To Anyone

[Rewy]

How long can I keep on fighting ?
Long term mental health problem which I cannot disclose as it may identify me.
I’m a long term mumsnetter but haven’t posted for years. Now find myself desperate for anyone to talk to.
I don’t have much left to give anymore. I spend my time imagining how I can escape everything. The classic everyone will be better off without me. Even the dog is fed up of me. My kids well I’ve done my best but I’m at a loss with the oldest. I cannot financially give them enough. We never have holidays. All their mates question them why not. I manage to work part time but cannot earn hardly anything. The type of job is low paid. Too old and stupid to better myself or get a career. I feel like my partner hates me. He will end up cheating eventually anyway. My mental health condition is coming between us. I’m not horrible to him or anything. It’s all internal in my head. Then I’m sad. He will get fed up.
I have lost all but one of my friends. I guess that’s my fault too.
I feel incredibly stuck and the only thing that I can think about is that I must die to escape.
I can’t ring the Samaritans and talk to them. It would just be weird. I have emailed in the past but the wait is too long.
I don’t want to be this person.
Other people have real problems which makes me feel ashamed.

Can you ring your GP for an emergency appointment? You sound like you need help at the moment.

No GP won’t be of any help honestly. Also you can’t just get an appointment. You have to arrange a call. They won’t be of any help !

OP dont be so hard on yourself. This is a real problem and thats okay! No matter how big or small the issue if you struggle with mental health it will always be difficult. I know how it feels to feel like a failure and to feel like you're family and friends deserve better, thats what makes you end up pushing them away. You are doing you're best and thats all anyone can ask for, dont let the fact other families live differently or more 'luxury' to you get you down, thats the worst thing you can do. Youre children are so lucky to have a mother that truly cares for them and wishes she could be better for them. You disappearing or being hard on yourself is not helping anyone! You can keep fighting because you have a family that depends on and loves you. It seems your big worry is money matters, but taking your kids away on holiday isnt what will bring them happiness, having a well and loving mother is what will bring them security and calm.
Love yourself OP and stay positive. There is always someone bigger and better than every one of us, and we cant focus on trying to beat the best

I have failed at life !
My MH has shadowed my entire life and every decision has been influenced by it.
My kids think I’m miserable.
I don’t know how to help the oldest anymore. I have tried but I don’t have the energy or knowledge.
They deserve a holiday though. I don’t know how other families do it. It gets to me that the kids friends question it.” Oh you never go anywhere or do anything “
The school holidays only highlight this. I’m either at work or when home don’t have the money or ideas to do anything with them. They are teens so it’s hard.
My partner is a good man but I don’t think I make him happy anymore and we were happy. He deserves the woman he met originally.
He knows I have a problem but I won’t tell him exactly the condition I have.

So sorry you're feeling like this. I haven't any advice as I'm feeling exactly the same but a hand hold none the less

It's okay to ask your children to help. It teaches them to take care of others. Tell them you want to make the holidays great on only a very limited budget and see what ideas they come up with.

I'm sorry you feel so bad. But you're clearly trying hard to be a good mother and that is what they will pick up on and what matters. I think every mother feels like a complete failure sometimes.

They have barely left the house in 3 weeks. Literally everything costs !
They want to go on days out etc and I cannot afford it. I offer them money to go and a get lunch but they can’t be bothered to go out. They just sit in their rooms on their phones or occasionally together.
The oldest doesn’t communicate unless it’s to discuss her wanting to go to uni. How will she fund it? She’s not got a job. Can’t get one either. She’s not great socially. She doesn’t socialise at all really.

Thanks Crisppacket I’m sorry you are feeling the same.

I know it's very difficult but have to force yourself to try one of the suggestions made.
You've made your mind up that nothing will work or be any good.

I have asked the kids before what they would like to do or suggest things. There is nothing that doesn’t involve money other than exercise which they are both reluctant to do.
The suggestion of getting an appointment with GP wasn’t rebuffed because I can’t be bothered it’s because of past experience. My condition cannot be treated with medication. General Gp doesn’t understand , I am waiting for cbt which helps a bit.

CBT will be good. It takes time and constant practice which I know is difficult because I find it difficult to focus.
Listen to music, just have it on in the background.
There are lots of things on YouTube about depression, anxiety and worry. Listen to those when you are doing daily tasks.
I have started doing 10 minutes of Thai Chi, on YouTube every day. I don't want to do it most days but I do it anyway. Over time, it helps to change your central nervous system.
I don't know if it will work but it won't do any harm and it's only ten minutes.

Yes I’ve had CBT before but many years ago.
I know exercise can help lift the mind. I used to find running helpful but I can’t run anymore due to injury.

Sorry things are tough right now.
Maybe your kids could cook breakfast or dinner? Maybe you could take the dog for a little walk- or even just a little sit outside? Something might help a bit- keep trying.
Your family would never get over losing you- please keep yourself safe.

I can’t keep living like this
It’s hell

I’ve been telling DP he needs to find someone else

Can you remember a time when you felt much better?

You are thinking too much about everyone else and not enough about yourself.

How does your DH and the DC's get on with each other?

Rewy, if you die it will define your kids' lives forever. They'll never be able to escape it. Also, things WILL get better. So they're not going on holiday. Big deal. They can go on holiday when they're adults. It's only a few years away and your life will ease up then too.

Just stick it out a bit and you will see. Everything changes.

I have lived feeling like this most of my adult life. There are periods where it has eased but inevitably it always returns as it’s just simmering beneath me. If you saw me you would probably not know.
I can not describe the internal pain and agony of feeling worthless and hideous. It’s a lethal combination.
The kids get on well with my partner and he is fair and treats them the same as his own.
I appreciate you posters taking time to reply to me !

I know what it's like to feel hideous and worthless, that is for sure.

That's the way the mind works though. When you're feeling bad, your mind churns up for you all the times you've felt bad in the past. I wish it wouldn't do that, but it does. It's like oh yeah I remember this feeling. When you feel happy, it remembers happy things. So now, you're feeling terrible and you won't remember the happy stuff.

If you die, your kids will think it's their fault. Nothing you say or other people say will convince them otherwise. They will think they weren't enough for you, and they will never get over it.

Here's what I do when I want to die. I break time down into smaller and smaller pieces. I forget the past and the future. I only need to get through the next day, hour, minute. On really bad days I remember it was just get through the next breath and then the next one.

Just don't give up. That's all you need to do.

You're putting lots of barriers up before you've even tried things. I know it's really hard but you have to at least try. If you don't change anything then nothing will change.

How has your day been?
Some people switch to bikes or swimming after running is a problem- have you found something yet?

I’ve been a bit better over the weekend. Partly because I had a work thing to go to all day Saturday which acted as a distraction. I act my way out of the low mood because I had to be around people. Still numb but feeling like a kettle ready to boil over if that makes sense.
Yes I have an exercise bike. Not good on an actual road bike.
I was using it regularly but because I’m so tired I’ve waned from it.
I do go on long walks with the dog sometimes and I enjoy that. It’s fitting it in. I will try and make more effort to do more. The problem is my condition makes me avoid social things and being around people.
I’m nervous as well this morning as I have my first appointment for CBT. Even though I’ve had it before. I don’t know the person or the place and I’m scared I won’t be able to park. Then will miss appointment blah blah.
Thanks for posts.

Did you find a good place to park? Did you like the doctor?
Most dogs enjoy long walks- so you’ll both have great blood pressure.

Parking wasn’t easy as it was so busy. Ended up with palpatIons.
She was ok. Didn’t feel much rapport but it’s early days.
Yes I’m sure the dog will be grateful.