Postnatal depression - my baby doesn't love me and I can't cope with him

[ajj85]

I feel like such a failure.

My little boy is approaching 11 months old. He has never been what I would deem a happy baby. From 8 weeks old to about 5 months he had severe colic and was diagnosed with silent reflux. Gaviscon, Colief, Infacol and a change in his bottles made no difference. Omerprazole helped slightly but he had grown out of the colic by the time this was prescribed. He also had digestive issues until he started weaning.

One episode where he cried non stop for a whole day brought back anxiety and worry which I had managed relatively well pre-birth. I cried so much and nothing my husband could do would make me feel better.

The anxiety developed into PND. There have been several occasions where I have wanted to leave and have done (but always came back after a few hours due to guilt). I had a particularly bad episode in November 18 where I had to see A&E due to suicidal thoughts. I was prescribed home treatment which did not work. Citalopram and Sertraline have been ineffective.

The only reason why I haven't ended it all is that I have a good support network. My husband works full time and I don't drive so every weekday morning he takes me to my parents who have been a godsend. They can cope with my baby's personality (I can't).

There are so many things my boy is incapable of doing and several of the milestones are nowhere being met. For example:

He has never liked tummy time. From birth, putting him on his tummy results in screaming fits after 20 seconds. I haven't been able to put him on his tummy for more than a minute without him crying the house down. He mastered rolling onto his side (left side only) in March so when I place him on his tummy now he rolls over.
He has no natural desire to crawl. Seriously, no desire whatsoever. On the odd occasion I have taken him to toddler group he just lies there. I feel embarrassed as all the other babies interact with each other and he just sits there doing nothing no matter how much I try and engage with him.
He has not learnt to pull himself up or attempt to sit up. He can sit unaided (has done since 7 months) but we have to put him in that position. When he is bored (which is usually after 2 minutes of playing) he will flop back on the floor and then stay there crying or kicking his legs until we pick him up (and repeat the whole process over again)
He gets bored so easily. I have a variety of toys that end up being thrown on the floor. I try placing them away from him to give him an incentive to reach for them but he just cries instead until I give in.
He will not sit still for more than a minute before crying or arching his back.
Self feeding is a no-no. I have tried doing this on several occasions and all food ends up on the floor. He will hold onto his bottle but as soon as I let go of it, he will treat the bottle as a toy and it will inevitably end up on the floor.
NO eye contact or desire to copy what you are doing. He only looks at you from a distance (I know he has no issue with sight as he can pick up a tiny bit of fluff close up) and does not smile back at you if you are smiling. He won't pat-a-cake or copy any other game being played. He treats me as a piece of furniture and scratches, hits, kicks me and does not understand this hurts mommy. He doesn't cry when I leave the room and I don't think he knows I'm his mommy.
Sleep is a big issue. He has never been a good sleeper. Once upon a time we had to rock him all the time until he slept as he could not self soothe. No predictable sleep or nap pattern no matter how much training provided. At night time he will toss, turn, kick, shake his head violently before finally going down at 9pm and will wake as many as 5 times during the night (mostly crying). Hubby works full time so I don't want him to do the night time get ups. He has only just started sleeping past 6am but then he gets overtired during the day which makes him even more grouchy.
He cries all the frigging time. I'm fed up with having to constantly rock him.
He is starting to cruise furniture now but it's killing my back to walk around with him constantly. I don't understand how he wants to cruise when he has no balance or desire to crawl.
I was looking forward to going back to work but then quit my job due to my depression. I'm now unemployed, depressed with a baby who is showing no signs of development. I see other babies his age who are naturally happy and progressing and wonder what I have done wrong. I never used to be like this and I hate saying it but I regret having him, although deep down I love him to bits. I'm paranoid he has autism which I know is hard to diagnose at such an early stage.

My health visitor never seemed to listen to my concerns. All she ever recommended was to buy toys and sometimes our 60 min chats felt unproductive. I have a new HV (Health Visitor) now but I don't want to speak to her as I feel embarrassed to tell her how I feel. Drugs won't make me feel any better and counselling has been unproductive also.

I feel like ending it all sometimes as every day is the same endless monotony. Please help :(

Wow there's a lot there to reply to and I don't think we can help you with the individual issues but just know that a lot of mums experience the same and you're not alone. He knows you are his mum. I'd say the first thing I'd do in your situation is try as best as you can to drop all the expectations. Don't put ant pressure on yourself. It's ok to feel the way you do. Trust that things will work out and you will love him and he probably already loves you but hasn't worked out a way of showing it yet. X

I feel for you OP as that sounds hard. It's OK to skip crawling, some babies just go straight to walking, if he is cruising that's a good sign. Also they don't really interact with each other at this age, they just treat each other like big dolls.

I'd keep on at your GP and HV until you get somewhere. Unfortunately you do have to be really pushy these days.

That sounds really tough. Babies are hard enough anyway, and usually it’s very exhausting taking care of them in the best of times, but you have a particularly challenging baby. I had a challenging baby (not as challenging as yours) and I still start to cry when I think about those days. It felt like I was so alone, other people’s babies were contented and would go for naps. I often had to leave places because my baby was screaming so much and was so miserable. If I tried to talk to other parents they’d say “I know what you mean” but that made me feel even worse because I could see for myself how chilled their babies were; they’d lie them down in their buggies and they’d gurgle happily while I’d be having to jiggle, bounce my baby, walk her back and forth, breastfed her endlessly, and she still wouldn’t be happy!!
Did you have intervention at birth by any chance? Mine was delivered by ventuose (can’t spell it) and when she was one year old, we eventually took her for cranial osteopathy. I’d been very sceptical about it before then so I’d put it off. But it made the most incredible difference to her. So many of her behaviour problems went away over night.
I know this is a more minor issue but with the tummy time, a lot of babies seem to hate it. My baby screamed too. So we just didn’t bother with it, she still learned to walk etc. She didn’t crawl until she was 12 months, and she walked when she was 15 months. So she was a bit late especially with the crawling but you wouldn’t know that now; she’s 8 and runs and skips everywhere.
Also it might be helpful to google “high needs” baby and “highly sensitive child”. Your baby may not fit neatly into either of these categories but the high needs baby stuff particularly will help reassure you you’re not alone. My dd is still hard work (totally lovely though) but it helps to have more understanding of her. She’s like the princess and the pea. She can always feel that pea and she always makes a huge loud fuss about it and we all know about it! She’s so intense, so emotional, so full on, but with that comes the most amazing imagination and empathy and other lovely qualities.
The other thing I’d say is that the worst thing you can do is give up on opening up to people. Do you think maybe you could try out this health visitor and see if she’s any more helpful? Maybe just choose one issue , something that bothers you less, and raise that with her? That way you’re not putting yourself at risk of further hurt by having her misunderstand and offer crap advice but you’re still trying to open up a little.
With the sleep have you thought of speaking to a sleep consultant? We used an over the phone one, best £70 I’ve spent.

Sorry you are feeling so low op. You sound really depressed.

First of all, try and get to the gp and really push for some proper mh support. Ask for a referral. Tell them you are suicidal. And do involve your new HV. Please don't be embarrassed, thanks what they are there for. Just show her your op. This is really important.

Finally, what do your parents say? Do they have concerns over your ds's development? Does he interact and smile with them? How about one of them comes to your gp appointment to give you some support?

I hope some other posters will be along soon with some names of organisations that can help you. Iin the meantime, wishing you all the best x

Would this organisation be of any help to you op?

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/about-us/

@Isaididont

Thanks for the kind words. I hate ranting but I just needed to get it out of my system.

I forgot to add that I'm a first time mother who has no nephews, nieces or young relatives so this is all new to me. Also forgot to add that he has been babbling since 4 months and is trying to form words (surprisingly he says 'mmmm' sounds which I thought was one of the last sounds babies formed'. He can chunter for England! He also likes being outside. I can take him out and on the whole he is happy until you stop pushing the pram, and then he gets angry.

No intervention at birth. I was planning on having a natural delivery and to breastfeed but unfortunately little one was breech (which was picked up at 33wk stage when early fundal scan showed possible growth issues) but was misadvised by midwife at 37wks that he had turned into head down position. Had emergency C-section and was in hospital for a week due to a large clot forming from the op. Losing lots of blood and ended up having a few transfusions. This, plus baby not latching and lack of milk supply meant I ended up formula feeding. Suffice to say this contributed somewhat to the anxiety and depression.

A relative of my husband did mention cranial osteopathy but I have read online about it to mixed reviews. Definitely worth looking into again though.

I would definitely say he is high needs. He's also highly sensitive to particular noises (vacuum cleaner, roadsweeper, binmen etc) but loves the sound of running water and the telly doesn't bother him.

I was going to contact my health visitor at 12 months if he shows no signs of progression. I had one of those 9-12 month health visits where I voiced my concerns, only to be told that all babies are different. However they did say that he was marked low on several categories, namely the gross motor skills so they would be seeing me again around end of August to review.

@Taichipandas

I am really down atm. Before little one came along I had a job I loved and properly looked after myself (active, good diet etc). I was even active until the birth itself. That's all changed now. I eat poorly, cannot be bothered to exercise, don't shower half the time and rely on my parents to keep my spirits up. However they are approaching their 70s and not in the best of health so I feel like a burden to them. Also, now I don't have a job I am reliant on my husband's finances to support us.

My parents have no issues with his development. My mom was one of 9 kids so she was used to looking after them (she had 3 of her own and my brother was a hyper kid but it never bothered her). She said none of us crawled until we walked but even she admits he is very fussy.

I'm scared to see GP again. My surgery is quite small with only 2 GPs (I live in the Midlands) and the GPs I see are quick to pump you full of anti-depressants). I have had counselling through my former employer and have seen occupational therapists but when I received home treatment for a couple of months one of them was absolutely vile to me. I have to admit I can be very withdrawn and pessimistic but when I'm happy, I'm really good to get along with.

The thing with gross motor skills is they can catch up. Mine was marked as behind because she scored 0 on that part of her 12 month assessment but then she ticked all those boxes within the next 2 months.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Did you stay on the medication and adjust dosages? It can take a while to get it right but when it works, it can get you back on an even keel. Sertraline saved my life.

I would keep on at the GP, you don't have to live like this and there are lots of routes to get better if you're not keen on antidepressants but based on my experience I wouldn't rule them out x

@pinkcosmos

I was on 20mg Citalopram to start with but after 4 weeks I saw no sign of improvement. Unfortunately it came at a time when I was at my lowest and I ended up calling a crisis team with the intention of ending it all. A trip to A&E resulted in a prescription of lorazepam (11 tablets) which calmed me down but didn't get to the underlying issues.

I decided to try Sertraline (lowest dosage 50mg?) but as soon as I started taking it I had the most horrific urinary retention and stomach cramps and even after thinking this would clear it didn't.

I really don't want to go down the drugs route again. It works for some people and I would never tell anyone to now take them, but personally they weren't for me.

Babies are really, really hard. And I had a relatively easy one.

You have PND.

Your baby loves you.

You’re being way too hard on yourself.

It’s life changing in a way no one can explain.

Big hugs 🌻

DD1 was a high needs baby. You need real life help. Can you phone Homestart today and ask for support? It's free.

Your baby does love you. You're his world!

I'm sorry about the pnd, I had that with my first born and it was awful. Have you spoken to anyone about how you've been feeling? Had meds changed? I took mine at night so I slept through the side effects (sertraline 50mgs)

In regards to the not crying when you leave the room, my son never did that but my daughter does.

Some babies don't crawl. I didn't, I was a bum shuffler until I walked at 2.

Gross motor skills can be caught up on. They're all so different so it's not a case if they should be doing x by x date when he's 9 months old.

Is the reflux still an issue for your son? Has he been tested for a milk allergy? My daughter was very much like you describe (although much younger) and she has a milk allergy. New milk and some stuff for her bath and she's a happy content baby now but it was absolute hell for a while there. I think considering he can be grumpy and the reflux issue, that could be something to look into.

You're doing a great job.

You are doing a great job. Truly.

Cruising at that age is great so he is meeting or even exceeding some milestones.

My first baby was a very difficult baby and us now a truly delightful pre schooler. Sleeps, eats, etc this is awful but will pass.

Your baby loves you so so so much and I want to reach into the screen and hug you.

Xxx

One thing I will say is: it isn’t you. I have found both of my children’s behaviour as older babies and toddlers almost intolerably difficult. I used to look at happy, chilled out, compliant toddlers and wonder why the hell mine weren’t anything like that. My mental health was extremely precarious around that time too.

I would reconsider the antidepressants if I were you. Depression destroys your resilience and poisons your thinking, and you might find that meds will help you to cope a little better. I’m sure you think you don’t need them because your depression is situational, but speaking from personal experience, I really think they could help.

One thing I will say, and please don’t be upset by this, is that difficult/high needs babies can sometimes turn out to have some special needs when they’re older - autism being one. One of my children is on the autism diagnosis pathway aged 4, and I’m not sure the older one is neurotypical either. It’s a relief to look back on how fucking HARD WORK they were and realise it wasn’t me, they really were difficult and there’s a reason for that (the screaming as soon as the buggy stopped happened to me too - we couldn’t even stop at a pelican crossing without all hell breaking loose). At 11m it’s too early to tell really, but do keep an eye on things and ask for a paediatrician referral of his development is a concern.

Op you are NOT a failure. Far from it! Reading what you said about your baby's likes and dislikes - you sound really tuned in to him - and that's hard to do when you are feeling so low yourself. You just need a bit of extra support which we all need from time to time. I'm really sorry the occupational therapist was so vile. That's apalling!

Can you change to a different surgery? Seek help via a different route such as sure start or pandas? If you could get on top of your depression , it sounds like you might benefit from going back to work eventually. Good luck to you.

My son was making the mmmm sound & babbling by 6 months & another month later was saying mumumum & dadadadad but at about 11 months stopped babbling & trying to talk, it was like he had lost his words, a month later he was speaking full sentences. I didn't know but this can be a sign of autism, he wasnt diagnosed until he was 9. Your baby isn't capable of not loving you, because you are the person who does everything for him, speak to your GP or health visitor, it sounds to me like you could have PND, I had a traumatic C section like you with PPH & I had terrible pnd, talk to anyone who will listen, you are probably still in shock over the birth & this will be adding to your anxiety & PND. Once you start to get help you will stop having these thoughts that are blocking your head at the moment.

My group of ante-natal friends have all said that10-14 months is horrible because all the babies have learnt different things - crawling, smiling, cruising, babbling... but you only see the things the others can do but yours can't. By 18m they are pretty much the same again. I'd say your baby sounds just fine, hard for you, but developing fine.

The sleep is the main problem that you can tackle. Can you sleep at your parents? Can they have your DC overnight occasionally? Take turns at weekends with your DH? You need more sleep.

Otherwise you need to be kind to yourself, you've had a tough year, accept all the help you can and take care.

At 11 months - not crawling is pretty usual. But maybe the Mums don't take them so much to baby groups or you tend not to notice them so much. I have 2 daughters who didn't crawl, both actually bottom shuffled (one cruised but then decided to crawl for 1 month before finally walking). I can remember being on holiday when one was about 10 months old and just sitting her under the table while we ate breakfast because she had no inclination to move.

If at all possible allow yourself to be led by your son. So sleep when he sleeps. Try to enjoy him - and forget about timetables etc.

If you are really worried that there is "something wrong" then try to find yourself a sympathetic Doctor and get him checked. You could be right, but quite often things aren't spotted at this age as what is normal is so varied that it is hard to tell.

Do also look after yourself. Can you get a job? This has been a life saver for friends - and a happier mum could make for a happier baby. Don't worry Childcare professionals can handle even "tricky" babies.

I'll be honest with you OP, you sound like me. Severely depressed, thinking no one wants to be with you and nothing will work. You've tried two antidepressants. I had the same urinary retention issue with Sertraline and Citalopram is widely accepted as an absolute cunt so I do feel your pain there. There are dozens and all are different. I couldn't get along with any of the SSRIs and eventually settled on one of the Tricyclics. Not a common choice apparently but whatever floated my boat as far as my GP was concerned. 4 Weeks is nowhere near long enough for any antidepressant. My current one did pretty much fuck all but make me sleep for the first 6 weeks straight but did stabilise me eventually.

I think you need to do SOMETHING. Whether it be medication, counselling, CBT or take up a hobby but you have to take some action. Depression is so sly, it just creeps up on you and by the time you've realised what's happening, it's drained you of any desire to help yourself and you just can't see the point of trying. I have very few windows of time where I am aware that I'm spiralling but still have the capacity to do damage control. Try to head it off while you can, it's much easier to pull yourself up and sort things out now than waiting till you hit rock bottom.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I agree with PP that there could still be a medication that will work for you, maybe a non SSRI one like Mirtazapine. You have nothing to lose by trying one more.

It's understandable that you would feel this way with everything that has been on your plate. Go easy on yourself.

I know it's been over 2 months since posting this but nothing has changed and I'm at breaking point. My DS is now 13 months and if anything his behaviour is not getting better. Still can't crawl, self-feed, bum shuffle or bear weight on arms. I've given up on tummy time as he just screams blue murder. I'm back at work soon and I did look into childcare but he now has really bad stranger anxiety. I took him to a nursery to enquire about places and he cried and cried for 30 minutes solid. Even the creche assistant said she had not dealt with a toddler so fussy. What upset me even more was that there were other children there younger than him who just sat there pleasant, feeding themselves in the highchair and playing quietly and then my little is physically sick from the crying. He now also throws tantrums when he cannot get his own way. I love him but I'm getting so frustrated with him and there have been occasions where I want to just shout at him. I haven't got to that point yet but it will come I know it. I'm worried about my new job. I want to give it a go but I know that once work is over I have to pick my son up and it's back to being miserable again. I just feel like a rubbish parent.

If he has issues they won't reveal themselves until he's older. You need practical support in the meantime. You're not a failure, it's your first child and you're just exhausted. Is your employer understanding/flexible?

I think you may be better posting under the babies section as you will get more suggestions. You are doing great.

@ajj85 how is your son doing now?

@ttrrii he has recently turned 3 and I'm happy to report that things are much better at the moment. Little one finally got up to stand at 22 months and learned to crawl just after turning 2.

After that his motor skills improved immensely. He can now jump, get up stairs with the use of a handrail, although he will still crawl (or ask for a pick up when he's too lazy to walk, more on that later) sometimes.

The main issue for me was communication. At 24 months he could only say a few words but his understanding was great. We self referred to SALT but due to Covid everything was done over the phone or video. The therapist didn't think he needed extra sessions and fortunately within the space of a few months his speech has improved so much, even putting together ten word sentences. He has problems with certain sounds, but I've been told that's normal at his age.

Main concern at the moment is potty training. He's refusing to do at and at 3 years old he should be doing something by now. We have potties, toilet seats etc but he won't sit on them for more than 2 seconds. He's very active and does not like sitting still. We've tried incentives but he's not interested. Some days he'll tell us he's been toilet, but then other days he'll just do his business in his nappy. I was hoping to get him into nursery soon but I can't if he is not potty trained.

On a whole he's so much happier and I'm feeling better, although his tantrums can be very extreme when he can't get his own way. But I'm learning to cope and we're in a much better place compared to my last post.