I feel like such a failure.
My little boy is approaching 11 months old. He has never been what I would deem a happy baby. From 8 weeks old to about 5 months he had severe colic and was diagnosed with silent reflux. Gaviscon, Colief, Infacol and a change in his bottles made no difference. Omerprazole helped slightly but he had grown out of the colic by the time this was prescribed. He also had digestive issues until he started weaning.
One episode where he cried non stop for a whole day brought back anxiety and worry which I had managed relatively well pre-birth. I cried so much and nothing my husband could do would make me feel better.
The anxiety developed into PND. There have been several occasions where I have wanted to leave and have done (but always came back after a few hours due to guilt). I had a particularly bad episode in November 18 where I had to see A&E due to suicidal thoughts. I was prescribed home treatment which did not work. Citalopram and Sertraline have been ineffective.
The only reason why I haven't ended it all is that I have a good support network. My husband works full time and I don't drive so every weekday morning he takes me to my parents who have been a godsend. They can cope with my baby's personality (I can't).
There are so many things my boy is incapable of doing and several of the milestones are nowhere being met. For example:
He has never liked tummy time. From birth, putting him on his tummy results in screaming fits after 20 seconds. I haven't been able to put him on his tummy for more than a minute without him crying the house down. He mastered rolling onto his side (left side only) in March so when I place him on his tummy now he rolls over.
He has no natural desire to crawl. Seriously, no desire whatsoever. On the odd occasion I have taken him to toddler group he just lies there. I feel embarrassed as all the other babies interact with each other and he just sits there doing nothing no matter how much I try and engage with him.
He has not learnt to pull himself up or attempt to sit up. He can sit unaided (has done since 7 months) but we have to put him in that position. When he is bored (which is usually after 2 minutes of playing) he will flop back on the floor and then stay there crying or kicking his legs until we pick him up (and repeat the whole process over again)
He gets bored so easily. I have a variety of toys that end up being thrown on the floor. I try placing them away from him to give him an incentive to reach for them but he just cries instead until I give in.
He will not sit still for more than a minute before crying or arching his back.
Self feeding is a no-no. I have tried doing this on several occasions and all food ends up on the floor. He will hold onto his bottle but as soon as I let go of it, he will treat the bottle as a toy and it will inevitably end up on the floor.
NO eye contact or desire to copy what you are doing. He only looks at you from a distance (I know he has no issue with sight as he can pick up a tiny bit of fluff close up) and does not smile back at you if you are smiling. He won't pat-a-cake or copy any other game being played. He treats me as a piece of furniture and scratches, hits, kicks me and does not understand this hurts mommy. He doesn't cry when I leave the room and I don't think he knows I'm his mommy.
Sleep is a big issue. He has never been a good sleeper. Once upon a time we had to rock him all the time until he slept as he could not self soothe. No predictable sleep or nap pattern no matter how much training provided. At night time he will toss, turn, kick, shake his head violently before finally going down at 9pm and will wake as many as 5 times during the night (mostly crying). Hubby works full time so I don't want him to do the night time get ups. He has only just started sleeping past 6am but then he gets overtired during the day which makes him even more grouchy.
He cries all the frigging time. I'm fed up with having to constantly rock him.
He is starting to cruise furniture now but it's killing my back to walk around with him constantly. I don't understand how he wants to cruise when he has no balance or desire to crawl.
I was looking forward to going back to work but then quit my job due to my depression. I'm now unemployed, depressed with a baby who is showing no signs of development. I see other babies his age who are naturally happy and progressing and wonder what I have done wrong. I never used to be like this and I hate saying it but I regret having him, although deep down I love him to bits. I'm paranoid he has autism which I know is hard to diagnose at such an early stage.
My health visitor never seemed to listen to my concerns. All she ever recommended was to buy toys and sometimes our 60 min chats felt unproductive. I have a new HV (Health Visitor) now but I don't want to speak to her as I feel embarrassed to tell her how I feel. Drugs won't make me feel any better and counselling has been unproductive also.
I feel like ending it all sometimes as every day is the same endless monotony. Please help :(