Borderline Personality Disorder

[K4THERINE]

It’s 4am, & I am once again struggling with my emotions, I can’t sleep - as usual. I ache from head to toe right now as I also have fibro. I also have a skin disease called hidradenitis suppurativa. I have never ever told anyone that, let alone said it on a public forum. I’m very ashamed of it.

I was on google earlier searching for ways to calm myself down & I came across mumsnet & several threads about people with bpd. All very negative. I don’t steal, lie, cheat, manipulate. I’m not like that crazy bitch from fatal attraction who apparently has bpd. That’s not bpd. That’s just psycho.

People don’t realise that bpd comes from being physically (sexually) abused as a child & neglected in the most horrific ways. We learn coping mechanisms which aren’t healthy. Such as for me, gambling, smoking, drinking, excessive buying. Not all these things at the same time, it changes & goes around in circles.

On a thread on here I just read, (from 2015) it said this woman is bpd & she doesn’t want to let her child go to the cinema with her 🙄 I have 2 lovely children, both extremely loved & spoiled. It’s hurtful to see people like me be spoken about in this way. My partner is in the emergency services. I have an amazing relationship with him.

Anyway the reason why I came on seeking something to read that would help soothe me is because I’m in the “gambling stage”. It’s honestly unbearable & I can’t stop myself. People will roll their eyes & say don’t do it. It’s not as easy as that or I wouldn’t do it in the first place. So I just threw another £500 down the shitter (please don’t bash and abuse me for this, no one can hurt me any more than I’ve hurt myself in my mind) and I don’t know how to tell my partner. He’s never ever shouted at me, or raised his voice for my addictive disorders but I just can’t cope with that disappointed look on his lovely face. I absolutely hate myself. But I can’t stop. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t made it so my kids go without or bills don’t get paid, we’re always 100% paid on everything. I am such a selfish worthless bitch spending that sort of money. I managed to win 450 back & threw it all back in. I have blocked my mobile from being able to spend. I’ve shut down like 30 gambling websites permanently but when I’m in that frame of mind I’ll just find another. I feel seriously ill with what I have done, AGAIN!!!! My doctor/psychologist knows I have these issues but I’ve only mentioned them briefly because I’m sooo ashamed. I haven’t been asleep for 2 days at all since I did this and I’ve been walking around calling myself every name under the sun since & I’ve made myself really ill. I’m not looking for a pity party. It’s all my own damn fault. I’m just writing this to try & soothe myself a little before I go postal and have an emotional breakdown. No one has to read it or reply. Sorry for the rant. I know the post is erratic & jumping from one topic to another, I’m just typing as I’m thinking it.

Fuck off

Hey Katherine, I'm sorry you have read so much negative shit about BPD. I don't know that much about it but you sound in a difficult place tonight. What is done is done. Your partner will forgive you because he loves you. You need to be able to forgive yourself.
Have you got a book or something you can read that will help you detach?
You are never alone! You sound like you have been through an awful lot and you don't give up trying! That makes you a strong, resilient person!

Sorry, I have no experience of BPD, but I often suspect I'm borderline due to my childhood and can have compulsions at times, although I manage to (sometimes) control them, and they come in waves, if that makes sense.

I think you need to stop giving yourself a hard time, and I hope nobody in the morning is going to give you a flaming, and love yourself more. Your DP clearly is aware, and supportive, of your BPD. This isn't meant to sound harsh - but can your access to money easily be restricted? Separate account with no online access?

I do feel you need to try to open up to your doctor though, this is something that can be treated, and if things can be calmed down you'll be much happier in yourself. Doctors hear all kinds of problems and don't bat an eyelid. I've gone in with various embarrassing issues, from worrying I was turning into my mother, to priapism (don't google it), to all sorts including having to display seeping, infected, self-harm cuts.

Finally, the HS sounds frankly horrible, and very painful. I've, at the moment suspected, rheumatic psoriasis (head), but seems like nothing compared to HS.

Best wishes

Jusr wanted to let you know OP that the first post under yours has been posted all over Mumsnet and was not targeted at or personal to you. They just can't keep up with hiding them. Ignore it.

Thank you all. You’ve made me feel better. Eventually I will forgive myself, but how long until I spiral, get triggered, and do it all again?? It’s an awful cycle & I just can’t get out of it. This time it’s gambling, next time it may be drinking when the kids go to bed, or going on eBay or clothes websites for the kids. I’m obsessed with buying the kids stuff. Or I’ll chain smoke for a week straight until I’m sick, cos I don’t sleep. I wish these compulsions would just GO AWAY. If I could get rid of them, I think I could live a relatively nice life. I have everything people dream of. My partner is the most perfect, loving & understanding man you would ever meet. He has never shouted at me, he knows I just. Can’t. Help. It.

In regards to money, I have absolutely no control over bills. Everything comes out of my partners account & I can’t touch it. I did that because I ended up spending several hundred on bullshit a few years ago, so I told him to keep his card away from me. All bills are paid; only thanks to him being so damn amazing. I get about 200£ in my account a week, I just fucking blow it on whatever is itching at the time. I can go without gambling for months then bang. I’m screaming at myself to STOP and berating myself, and I still continue. I do have a lot of mental health issues to be honest. PTSD. Anxiety disorders. Agoraphobia, bpd, depression blah blah blah and then all the physical ailments. I’m at home with the kids all the time, and I get boreddd. I don’t think that helps, because when I get pissed off, fed up & had a crappy day, it “triggers” these compulsions. I love my babies they are my entire world but I wish I could be better for them. Why can’t I at 33 years old let the past be & move on. Some days I think of something that happened 20 years ago & that’s it; I’m fucked up for a week. It’s just not normal

I also have began to notice skin picking myself constantly. I’m just not “right”

My partner shouldn’t have to deal with this it’s just unfair

Steve - the compulsions come in waves, you described it perfectly. My psychologist tells me I’m the “boom and bust” type of bpd. I can be ok, do everything normal & it takes its toll & booms. I’m at this stage at least once a month. Then I think right ok I am going to sort my shit out: I do, then boom again

You are getting help which is great. Don't hate yourself because that will make you worse. I have had lots of mental heath problems and I'm on medication. However, I have found that reiki really works. Give it a go - at worst, you will lose £35 and at best it will give you a feeling of calm and peace.

I’ve had a look around for that reiki. I will give it a go. I was referred to mental health and did CAT, but originally I was referred for help getting over a very violent sexual assault in 2012, the feelings only manifested a few years later. I was a classic rape victim that went through all the horrible stages. Sleeping around around at first/drinking. Just being reckless to the point of serious danger. I was a single parent at this point (he didn’t see any of this but I’m sure he must of felt it to my ever lasting guilt) but I never had any support from family, the police, friends. After the assault my friends didn’t really know what to say to me anymore & I was treated like a bit of a leaper. I lost several jobs, I was in no state to work at that point anyway - also the police was in & out of my work place constantly asking questions.

It happened in 2012, and came to a final head in 2015. I could of dealt with the rape I think. What I couldn’t deal with is he got away with it due to insufficient evidence despite lying about being drunk, on drugs, who he was with. His family was proved to be lying for him. I had told nothing but the truth & was squeaky clean on it all, as no matter how embarrassing anything was, I ALWAYS believe honesty is the best policy. If you lie; you have to remember those lies. If you tell the truth, you have nothing to remember. It’s natural. So yeah. He got away with it and that’s when shit really kicked in. Bearing in mind he put me through 3 years of this in the crown court by keep getting it adjourned. If you’re innocent, why do that 3x? The last time he tried to get it adjourned & didn’t succeed. I wish he had now because I was told it would completely depend on the jury I had. I was told there is no way I couldn’t win this. Cps heard my story, I had to meet with them & they usually take a few weeks to decide whether to take it to crown court. Within the hour, I hadn’t even left the building my ISVA got a call saying it’s on, we will take it to court. Everyone was extremely confident I’d win, just because of the evidence I had against him. When the jury said not guilty, the judge shook his head. His own barrister couldn’t believe it. My barrister came to me and said he couldn’t believe it. However I’m angry over my barrister as he was changed at the last moment and I don’t believed that helped. Originally I was assigned one of the best barristers in those sorts of cases. Anyway I wasn’t in the room when the verdict was read out, this is what my family & partner told me. The verdict was read & I was stood on the balcony at the top of the courts & I could tell by my partners face I had lost. I saw him running up the stairs because he thought I was going to throw myself off the balcony, & that’s exactly what I was going to do, I just felt like I wasn’t in my body anymore. My child’s face came into my head & I collapsed to the floor like a sack of shit instead.

So anyway this is originally why I was supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist, for trauma treatment. But whilst doing the assessments I was diagnosed as bpd. So I did the CAT, after that she wanted me to do a group therapy which I did NOT in any shape or form feel ready for. Because of this, I was discharged & once again feel failed. My partner is on his second day off because I’m so ill. I told him about the money. Got a little silent treatment which I deserve much worse. Then he was back to his amazing self. I don’t deserve him.

So sorry you have been through all of this. Don't be hard on yourself. Think of your good qualities instead of the bad ones. We all have good and bad parts of ourselves. Dialectical behaviour therapy is good for BPD too. You can get a book on it and teach it to yourself.

How are you doing today op? Sounds like a shit situation which you are dealing really well with. It’s done, stop beating yourself up, only talk to yourself like you would talk to your DC, no name calling etc. If you find yourself ruminating distract distract distract xxxx

I second Senseofself. Try to access DBT, either through group or one on one. It teaches you skills to get through difficult moments and also how to understand your own feelings and unpick them (and accept them). Also really helpful for interpersonal stuff, relationships etc. Available on NHS in some places.

Ps please don’t worry about what ignorant people who don’t have a clue write on threads. Or just think, well, poor them to have such misguided and judgemental views! Be kind to yourSelf.

My younger sister had BPD or as she preferred the new name - emotionally unstable personality disorder.
The perception that it only develops from trauma used to make her very angry!
It was hard to support her sometimes but she didn't mean to be manipulative, she just felt things more than everyone else.
She didn't have children but was a fantastic aunt. I miss her so much.

Just adding my love and support. Sorry you have had such a tough time, K4therine. I'm glad you have a supportive partner. And remember: having someone's love and loyalty indicates that you are a lovable person with lots to offer. He's chosen to stick with you and support you because of who you are and the strengths that you have.

I’m ok. Still low but better than I was when I first posted. I’m just having a really rough patch, it seems to get super bad every 3 or so months were I really struggle with my emotions to the point of a mini break down.

P.s webarra, I’m not manipulative.

Yeah, implying everyone with BPD is manipulative is not helpful, but maybe Weebarra didn’t mean it to sound like that?
The pattern you describe makes sense to me K4therine. The thing is it can be easy to mask/suppress stuff for a while, but it is really unhealthy and usually results in meltdowns or crisis points. That’s why it is good to get help with living with BPD and processing things as they happen, so it doesn’t build up. Another person with BPD here 🤷‍♀️

Thanks alpha, I appreciate that x

And I don’t think I suppress, I don’t think I’m capable of holding back like that 😅 I feel ill in my mind daily but not to this extent. I’m having a patch now where things are unbearable & I really can’t regulate myself. I don’t make my family unhappy or anything but they know. My partners been off work with me for two days I’ve been that bad and needed him. Just his presence is enough to soothe me. I don’t go all psycho and crazy like those posts above, you can just tell I’m not right

No, I really didn't mean it to sound like that. It's just that when DSIS was in such extreme emotional distress she wasn't always aware of her affect on others.
I realise that's not helpful to you though OP.

I am diagnosed BPD and OCD.

You will find no 2 people are the same with either of these. Some will, indeed, behave just as the cases you highlighted in your post. Hence, it's a much misunderstood condition. Yours will be different to another sufferers etc.

Can you access support for the gambling?

I can access it somewhere I suppose. I just don’t have the ways & means at the moment. I think I’ll look online & see if I can do some self help first

Weebarra, it’s cool I was a bit sensitive yesterday from reading these comments I was talking about.

I’m just wondering though, if she wasn’t aware of her actions your use of the word manipulative is interesting, because if she wasn’t aware, how could she be manipulating when to manipulate you have to be very aware?

@weebarra

I'm so sorry about the hell you've been through. Despite a horrific childhood, it was my being raped that triggered lasting mental health issues, that I think shall never be resolved.