It’s 4am, & I am once again struggling with my emotions, I can’t sleep - as usual. I ache from head to toe right now as I also have fibro. I also have a skin disease called hidradenitis suppurativa. I have never ever told anyone that, let alone said it on a public forum. I’m very ashamed of it.
I was on google earlier searching for ways to calm myself down & I came across mumsnet & several threads about people with bpd. All very negative. I don’t steal, lie, cheat, manipulate. I’m not like that crazy bitch from fatal attraction who apparently has bpd. That’s not bpd. That’s just psycho.
People don’t realise that bpd comes from being physically (sexually) abused as a child & neglected in the most horrific ways. We learn coping mechanisms which aren’t healthy. Such as for me, gambling, smoking, drinking, excessive buying. Not all these things at the same time, it changes & goes around in circles.
On a thread on here I just read, (from 2015) it said this woman is bpd & she doesn’t want to let her child go to the cinema with her 🙄 I have 2 lovely children, both extremely loved & spoiled. It’s hurtful to see people like me be spoken about in this way. My partner is in the emergency services. I have an amazing relationship with him.
Anyway the reason why I came on seeking something to read that would help soothe me is because I’m in the “gambling stage”. It’s honestly unbearable & I can’t stop myself. People will roll their eyes & say don’t do it. It’s not as easy as that or I wouldn’t do it in the first place. So I just threw another £500 down the shitter (please don’t bash and abuse me for this, no one can hurt me any more than I’ve hurt myself in my mind) and I don’t know how to tell my partner. He’s never ever shouted at me, or raised his voice for my addictive disorders but I just can’t cope with that disappointed look on his lovely face. I absolutely hate myself. But I can’t stop. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t made it so my kids go without or bills don’t get paid, we’re always 100% paid on everything. I am such a selfish worthless bitch spending that sort of money. I managed to win 450 back & threw it all back in. I have blocked my mobile from being able to spend. I’ve shut down like 30 gambling websites permanently but when I’m in that frame of mind I’ll just find another. I feel seriously ill with what I have done, AGAIN!!!! My doctor/psychologist knows I have these issues but I’ve only mentioned them briefly because I’m sooo ashamed. I haven’t been asleep for 2 days at all since I did this and I’ve been walking around calling myself every name under the sun since & I’ve made myself really ill. I’m not looking for a pity party. It’s all my own damn fault. I’m just writing this to try & soothe myself a little before I go postal and have an emotional breakdown. No one has to read it or reply. Sorry for the rant. I know the post is erratic & jumping from one topic to another, I’m just typing as I’m thinking it.