suicidal thoughts (not in immediate danger)

[h3lph3lp]

I've namechanged for obvious reasons but I'm a regular poster.

I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts. I'm safe tonight, I have no specific plans but the thoughts keep coming back. I'm not depressed but I deal poorly with stress and I have a lot of it right now.

I have 2 beautiful daughters and they keep me going but I'm not the mum I should be, I let them down. I let everyone down. I don't know how to make things better.

I've been to the GP, get referred to talking therapies with a long waiting list. I'm home with kids all holidays, no time to call anyone or even think. I've tried Samaritans. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone in real life, I cause enough trouble as it is.

Can anyone tell me how they got past this? Any hope? Posting for traffic.

You poor thing. That sounds incredibly difficult. Isn't there anything the doctor can do in terms of medication?

How old are your daughters?

How did you get on with Samaritans? As that is what I would have suggested, I've no real advice but didn't want to leave you unanswered.
I'm here if you want to chat.

You haven’t let anyone down, you aren’t letting anyone down.

Medication and CBT is how I got through it. Not perfectly; I still have thoughts every now and again but nothing like what it was at the worst part.

Are you on any medication?

I strongly suspect that there is nothing you have done or failed to do that will affect your family as badly or deeply as loosing you.

No parent is perfect, most of us are OKish with good patches and rubbish patches and that is good enough.

Remember that people often put on a game face so other peoples’ lives are usually much more messy and chaotic than they feel from the outside.

Doctor didn't think medication would help. I've been taken off another med that may have contributed to mood swings but that just means my other symptoms are back. I don't find Samaritans that helpful, I just cry a lot.

The short answer is medication. Have you seen your GP about antidepressant because they really work?

Op we all feel like we let ourselves and our families down. The truth is the resilient people can just shrug off their mistakes and others of us just can't let them go. None of us get it right all the time. Sometimes we fuck up a bit and sometimes we really really fuck up.

I dont know what you've done or not done and in what way you feel you've failed but maybe it would help you to talk about it. We will listen but samaritans has an online web chat function. Have you tried that?

I cross posted.

Tell us then, what have you done to let your children down?

I knew my county had a self-referral system for talking therapies but never knew until now that anyone in the UK can access this without a referral from their gp: www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/

Also go back to GP and mention suicidal thought. Or see different GP.

How old are your DDs? Parenting is exhausting. Sometimes when we feel we can’t go on what we need is a true rest.

Do you have any RL support - friends, parents?

(Samaritans can be a bit pants but well done for contacting the )

Another go back to GP suggestion

Keep going back to GP. It’s worth thinking about different types of meds like perhaps beta blockers for anxiety. I have just started ACT acceptance and commitment therapy.

I have intrusive thoughts about suicide too. I won’t act on them and leave my husband and children, but the thoughts are so distressing aren’t they? The more stressed I am the louder they are.

Suicidal ideation is common but medication is definitely a first pit stop to stop these intrusive thoughts. They can be a symptom of stress or depression. Very horrible to experience but lots of help. X

I have had pnd twice and both times have had anti depressants. Both times they have been lifechanging. I am annoyed just thinking about your gp saying they wont work. Please see someone else. They could be lifechanging for you.

I don't know where to start.

My biggest problem is I lie, to myself and others because I'm terrified of rejection. I know, rationally, I'm more likely to be rejected for lying but I find it so hard.

I put my mum on Valium as a teen. I had a disabled sister and yet I was more trouble. I stole money from them, I lied I'd passed my driving test and they bought me a car so I drove illegally, I took an overdose twice, I even started a fire once.

I'm so rubbish with money. I have 11 CCJs. My parents have helped but I don't deserve the help. I even got a conditional discharge for fraud 5 years ago so I'm officially a criminal liar.

I can't keep a man. I left my husband 5 years ago and no interest since then which is not surprising as I'm very overweight and have horrid psoriasis all over my body. He was emotionally abusive so alone is better than with him but I still feel lonely.

I quit my job to do a PhD, it's going ok but it's stressful.

And now I feel I'm messing up with my kids who are the only ones who really love me. I can't manage my money, the house is always a mess and I lie to them too and I just know one day they will hate me for it like my parents do.

That sounds really overwhelming, OP. But you'd be surprised how similar your history is to lots of us too. You've mentioned a couple of things that I've done too.

A couple of things that helped me was medication and also yoga and exercise. But I often just wallow and hide quite a lot. There's no harm in that short term. I can't do counselling because the idea just freaks me out, but I know a lot of people find it helpful.

Have you got something you are looking forward to? A book coming out or a film?

OP have you ever had a proper assessment from a MH perspective. You have a long history of challenging and potentially self destructive behaviour. If your mood swings from low to reckless for example that may be a sign of something like cyclothymia or bipolar (not that I am suggesting a diagnosis). Please go back to your GP and discuss the wider history.

Hey, OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling so crappy. I handle stress badly too, so I sympathise. I tend to get flaky when I'm very stressed and opt out of things and let people down because I feel overwhelmed. I try to feel more in control by writing things down. I have a notebook with me at all times and if I need to impose more order on things, I write, say, a list - not a to do list, as that would probably make me feel more stressed, but perhaps a list of feelings, or a list of things it would take for me to feel happier or more in control, or a list of happy memories, or things I would like to do in the next 5 years, or people I know are there for me, or simple pleasures. I write other things too - little bits of creative writing, or spider diagrams or little thoughts in little thought balloons, or ideas for some other time, or conversations I should have had with other people and didn't. The fact that you started this thread makes me think you might be a person who likes to put things in words or writing, so I hope you might try this too, and hopefully get something out of it. In my experience, getting thoughts and feelings out into the world of paper helps with the soup in your head and makes it easier to think straight, concentrate on a task or get some sleep.

for you.

It would really be worth looking into the root cause of these issues. If you were a “difficult” teen there will have been a reason for it even if people told you that you were just “bad”.

I could PM you tomorrow if that’s ok as I have a thought about this but I don’t want to assume it’s ok and overload you x

I just started journaling too BTW. Just vomiting all my thoughts onto the page really (charming image I know :o) but also putting a positive bit at the end - one thing I’m grateful for and one thing I’m proud of myself for, every day.

Medication. It saved my life. I was very lucky to be referred to a psychiatrist. Idk what would've happened otherwise.
Suicidal ideation should ALWAYS be taken seriously.
See another GP if your current one is no good.
You need and deserve help. I really feel for you.
Unmumsnetty hugs.

Oh you poor love. Please try not to look back, what’s done is done. Try and think of one small thing to enjoy each day. Breakfast with daughters. Watching a sunset. Sitting in the sun for 5 mins. Watching film with girls. Please don’t beat yourself up but I would keep going back to gp for some anti depressants they can help. Good luck

Do you have an employee assistance program at work?

I've been there too. That place where you're not depressed (which not everyone understands) but feel like you're teetering on the edge, all the time. I know there's a crisis house (short term residential respite centre) near to me and knowing that is helpful. Knowing I've never made any attempt to contact them is a good anchor. Self referring for CBT was the best thing I ever did (GP was rubbish). Learning to break it all down in to what matters and what doesn't, what you can and can't do, small important steps, fixing what you can. I'm with TuesdaySunshine on this, writing things down breaks it down. Also, difficult as it can be to make yourself do it, tidying stuff. I know I'm much more positive when my home isn't a mess, I feel more clear headed. And walking. Sending you love.

Oh lovely all my love and I know that makes nothing better and I am so so sorry about that. I didn’t think I would follow through and I can’t say what has me in the space of half an hour throwing myself off right eighth floor of the multi-storey on the day I did but... I did. Please reach out to family or friends or Samaritans because this post alone shows you do have even the slightest will somehow and somewhere ❤️