suicidal thoughts (not in immediate danger)

[h3lph3lp]

I've namechanged for obvious reasons but I'm a regular poster.

I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts. I'm safe tonight, I have no specific plans but the thoughts keep coming back. I'm not depressed but I deal poorly with stress and I have a lot of it right now.

I have 2 beautiful daughters and they keep me going but I'm not the mum I should be, I let them down. I let everyone down. I don't know how to make things better.

I've been to the GP, get referred to talking therapies with a long waiting list. I'm home with kids all holidays, no time to call anyone or even think. I've tried Samaritans. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone in real life, I cause enough trouble as it is.

Can anyone tell me how they got past this? Any hope? Posting for traffic.

OP have you ever had a proper assessment from a MH perspective. You have a long history of challenging and potentially self destructive behaviour. If your mood swings from low to reckless for example that may be a sign of something like cyclothymia or bipolar (not that I am suggesting a diagnosis). Please go back to your GP and discuss the wider history.

Yes this. I read your post and also thought this.
What meds were you on?
If for example you are bipolar/ bipolar 2 then antidepressants wouldn't necessarily help and may make things worse. (Obviously generalising as everyone is different)
You may benefit from a mood stabiliser. However I think you need a referral to a psychiatrist that can help you properly. It's not on that your gp says medication won't work. This needs to be pushed.

I fell asleep...

I had a psych eval 7 yrs ago. I'm not bipolar and I don't have a personality disorder. The psych said I 'just' have 'crushingly low self esteem'.

Thank you for the answers. They make me feel a bit less alone. I've planned a day out with my daughters today so I had better get them up. They are preteens, for the poster who asked and one has SEN.

Oh and it was methotrexate for psoriasis they took me off

I hope you have a nice day out, OP.

Some of what you wrote reminded me of one of my sisters, who was always labelled as trouble, a liar, an attention seeker, mentally ill etc. The truth is she was just made the scapegoat for everything bad in our family or in our parents' marriage from the day she was born. And she was attention seeking because she desperately needed someone to pay attention!

Do you have someone to talk to about your low self esteem and its origins?

Hello h3lph3lp, we're really sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. There are lots of organisations listed which may be able to give you some extra support.

We can see you've said that you haven't found the Samaritans helpful in the past, but we're going to add the links again here in case you want to give them another try. You can go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected], or call them, any time, on 116 123.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great - we can see you're getting some really good advice and we really hope you'll be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We're going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Really hope things start feeling a little less bleak for you soon.

You should get another assessment with someone else.

OP I spent years battling suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. It's soul destroying. Eventually I got a diagnosis of EUPD, had my meds tweaked and it's only now I realise how ill I've been for so many years. I undertook Cognitive Analytical Therapy privately this year and it's been a game changer. I still struggle with feelings that I'm failing my DCs and I need to stop compensating for their piss poor father. But I'm getting there.

My advice is to keep pushing for some sort of diagnosis, pushing for meds/psych review at least so you know what you're dealing with.

Feel free to PM me if you think it will help x

7 years is a long time ago, I’d really really really advise you accessing your local wellbeing service and taking those first steps to support. I would also say that a second opinion is always needed - I have a diagnosis of severe MDD under majority but there’s always a belittling crackpot who has to give their two cents and state ‘I don’t think your depressed’ 🤦🏼‍♀️

I really hope you were able to find some comfort and joy in your day, even if fleetingly. You’re amazing for having posted and reaching out for support in the first place, and never forgets that. You can get through this ❤️