Im feeling overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do. Sorry to bore, but I’m going to have to give a bit of back story. I’m a stay at home mum to two children, but I’m also a freelance writer and a full time student with the Open University. All of that work is done in the evenings when my husband gets home. It’s like we are on a shift rota; he comes home and does the bed time routine, and I work my job and go to bed in the early hours of the morning.
My problem, I think, is a mix of always having had depressed tendencies, and now this constant stress. I’ve been juggling it okay so far but now I’m feeling so guilty as a mother. In the day time I’m constantly worrying about assignments and deadlines and the house being in perfect order because I’m a stay at home Mum and I’m supposed to keep it pristine, and the anxiety from all of that, I think, is stopping me from interacting with my kids. I don’t know what to do with them to engage them. My four year old is naughty and has an attitude but I’m so tired and stressed that it’s 100% boredom caused by my failings.
I feel like I should give up uni and focus on the kids but I don’t want to. I’ve come so far now and to give up would devastate me. But then I feel guilty, because I’m a mum, and it isn’t about me anymore - it’s about the kids, and if doing that would help them, then that’s what I should do. But I’m not a good mum because when I think of giving up and focusing on them I feel sad and resentful. All these feelings of failure, of pressure, of vanity and of guilt have been making me feel trapped and suicidal for a while, but I’ve always been sure I’ve been okay. Slowly, though, I’m starting to act on it. It started as talking paracetamol for a headache and taking three instead of two to see what would happen, and then taking higher dose more times a day than recommended. I’m scared. I’m obviously sane enough to realise something’s wrong and to not take more, but this behaviour is making me think I’m going to do it. I’ve always had the feelings I guess that I’d be better off gone, but now I seem to be slowly edging towards actually doing it and I don’t want to do. It isn’t enough to warrant medical attention obviously but I don’t know how to stop it, or if I even want to.