Leaning towards suicide

[Lalallals248]

Im feeling overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do. Sorry to bore, but I’m going to have to give a bit of back story. I’m a stay at home mum to two children, but I’m also a freelance writer and a full time student with the Open University. All of that work is done in the evenings when my husband gets home. It’s like we are on a shift rota; he comes home and does the bed time routine, and I work my job and go to bed in the early hours of the morning.
My problem, I think, is a mix of always having had depressed tendencies, and now this constant stress. I’ve been juggling it okay so far but now I’m feeling so guilty as a mother. In the day time I’m constantly worrying about assignments and deadlines and the house being in perfect order because I’m a stay at home Mum and I’m supposed to keep it pristine, and the anxiety from all of that, I think, is stopping me from interacting with my kids. I don’t know what to do with them to engage them. My four year old is naughty and has an attitude but I’m so tired and stressed that it’s 100% boredom caused by my failings.
I feel like I should give up uni and focus on the kids but I don’t want to. I’ve come so far now and to give up would devastate me. But then I feel guilty, because I’m a mum, and it isn’t about me anymore - it’s about the kids, and if doing that would help them, then that’s what I should do. But I’m not a good mum because when I think of giving up and focusing on them I feel sad and resentful. All these feelings of failure, of pressure, of vanity and of guilt have been making me feel trapped and suicidal for a while, but I’ve always been sure I’ve been okay. Slowly, though, I’m starting to act on it. It started as talking paracetamol for a headache and taking three instead of two to see what would happen, and then taking higher dose more times a day than recommended. I’m scared. I’m obviously sane enough to realise something’s wrong and to not take more, but this behaviour is making me think I’m going to do it. I’ve always had the feelings I guess that I’d be better off gone, but now I seem to be slowly edging towards actually doing it and I don’t want to do. It isn’t enough to warrant medical attention obviously but I don’t know how to stop it, or if I even want to.

OK - i've just done a degree as a single parent (SAHM) so without the addition of a partner (stress) and job (added time zapper).

I'd suggest you need to communicate with H - maybe get a cleaner? It shouldn't fall on you to have all of the housework done or keep it 'pristine'. No such thing!

I would also see your GP if you have these thoughts often.

Have a break from Uni if needed.

Lots of other options. Good luck.

Congratulations on your degree!
Tbf to my husband, he’s never said the house neees to be pristine - he’s happy to not tidy up at all unless he’s in the mood so that’s on me, I guess.

I suppose in theory the solution is simple, but I don’t want to give up on me to do it, and that’s the issue, and where the guilt stems from: my children and my role as mother should come first and clearly there’s something stopping me from soinf that which makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me.

Hello Lalallals248,

We're really sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected], or call them, free, any time, on 116 123.

We'd also like to point you in the direction of the Mind website - they have lots of advice on parenting while struggling with mental health issues as well as tips for everyday living. Please do take a look at the links.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you'll be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

OP, we really hope things start feeling less difficult for you soon. Sending good wishes.

Hi OP my mum is 71 and about to finish an OU degree. She has cut down to two shifts and has still found it impossibly difficult (maths) as she took on too many courses to 'get it done' this year. so she decided just to lose grades and get a third. i don't know how she will feel about this in future, but it's keeping her sane. i noticed her mental health really started to dip - ruminating, making wild plans etc. so i am trying to talk to her regularly and take her out when i can.

the point is there is no 'right or wrong'. you can go part time, you can stop for a year and start again etc. The OU is designed to be flexible and course credits still count if you come back to it.

i should have a perfect house, i should be a perfect mum, i should be grateful, i should be able to do this...life doesn't really work like that, there are other stressors and you can feel overwhelmed at some point.

obviously it's great you are doing the degree, anxiety when thinking about different situations is an adaptive strategy, if you didn't feel anxious you wouldn't care about your kids, your degree etc., but the problem is when we feel that way for long we tend to dismiss positives and just focus on the negative.

i completely understand the cycle from lived experience - you start to feel it must be you. i think the question of whether you should continue the degree right now has to be answered but first you need to think what would make things better right now?

Lala, surely the point of doing a degree is to avoid housework?

I suspect you need a physical change of scene and company. Freelance plus relentless small children plus remote-working degree plus opposite shifts with your partner all adds up to extreme loneliness, in my experience.

I work at home and have done for ages. I come on here for virtual adult company, but I also belong to a couple of local groups for the real thing - and the difference is like looking through a window versus actually being out in the sun.

(Stop doing that with the paracetamol. Long-term slow damage is not a great idea.)

Oh, and stuff the idea that 'your role as mother should come first'. It should probably come above the housework, actual health hazards aside, but when did you last hear a father saying earnestly that his role as dad should come above all else?

You'll have heard it before, I'm sure, but : put your own oxygen mask on before helping your children.

You're not really a SAHM though, you have a job plus education. So in reality OH needs to be taking on his share of the chores as well as childcare.

The best story (real life) comes from a friend who had this pain, they kept taking paracetamol, thinking, 'well it's only paracetamol!' Husband went to bed, wondered where the wife was and she had collapsed after redecorating the bathroom in blood vomit, she needed a week in hospital. On another note, there isn't a more grusome way to go than paracetamol overdose.

I was under the crisis team years ago, they send the children upstairs so it was DH & I. One of the first things they said was if a parent takes their own life, a child has a higher probability of doing the same. That was a wake up call, in fact if you have active suicidal ideation, it's an emergency as far as receptionists are concerned. I saw the GP for what felt like a lifetime, then the crisis team were at our house in the hour. So that is an option.

Does DH know how you feel? Do you have any triggers at all that make you think being a parent is like a Disney movie? Everyone is winging it, most days trying to keep DC in one piece, whilst trying to maintain their (the parents) own sanity.

It's fine looking on Social Media at what you think to be model parents. I don't think it really reflects the truth at all.

I think you need to speak to DH if you haven't, you ideally need to be seen by your GP, you need to evaluate what is important to you, then make goals from there. You need support, you need guidance, we can hand hold, it's not really going to address the issues as it were.

You'll be shocked that there's lots of parents who struggle, there's just this stigma around saying, hey I'm struggling. Please can I have some help.

If you can do one thing for me, please may you keep within the correct dosing of paracetamol. It really is a dangerous drug, it does really impact your liver.

If you can see your GP this afternoon, that would also be the first step in the right direction.

Sending blessings and positivity your way.

You can conquer this, it might be hard, it might even be gruelling, I promise it'll be worth it.

you are not failing. you are doing an incredibly difficult job of looking after kids and doing a degree and looking after your house.

some practical tips

• ignore the house, mess doesn't matter.
• take your child out for the day. go so a park, run around, go swimming, do something.
• the degree will be worth it. But it is like doing a marathon. Take it slowly and steadily, and do take a break if you need it.
• when do you have time for you? you need time to have a coffee with a friend or have a relaxing bath. Tell your DH to take on the childcare and housework and make time for yourself.

I feel like I should give up uni and focus on the kids but I don’t want to. I’ve come so far now and to give up would devastate me. But if doing that would help them, then that’s what I should do.

I suspect that giving up your degree would not benefit the kids at all because it would harm you.

Can you afford, however short-term, to reduce your writing job?

Can you afford extra nursery, or a childminder, or a local granny or childcare student, rather than this double shift you are working? (I used to get stupendous value out of my morning-only childminder because she kindly took the boy away and knackered him so that he dozed for half the afternoon!)

I'm sorry you are experiencing these feelings OP. It sounds like you are spinning so many plates, you're bound to find things tough at times. There must be some support out there, please ask your GP or local children's centre, I'm sure there's a better route out of this.

I don't want to say too much but as someone who lost a parent to suicide, I really do urge you to seek any help you can. It is impossible to get over your parent taking their own life.

Nothing to add except - it will get better. Remember you've got through all the days up until today and you can keep going. You are doing brilliantly. But if you find you are struggling to do it all, talk to someone. You can normally self-refer for counselling through your local NHS IAPT service and that could help, or obviously your GP or Samaritans if it gets there. Look after yourself. x

update - my mum said today she is deferring the exams and doing them next year, she just needs to email her tutor. She wants to do maths tuition eventually. You have lots of time