I'm tired of it all

[FallingStar]

I'm tired of having to fight through my life. I've had depression and anxiety throughout my life and I can honestly say if I didn't have kids I'd just end it all.

I'm a terrible mother. I have no patience, I can hardly get through a day without bringing gloom upon the household. I'm ruining my marriage because I'm just horrible to be with.
I always said I'd never leave my kids but I just don't know how much longer i can keep that promise. I honestly feel my husband would be better off without me. He says we're at rock bottom and its all because I'm ruining it all.
I asked for help. I said im having terrible thoughts but no one hears me. Probably because its all been heard before.

Sorry to hear your having a hard time, I don’t really have much advice but couldn’t just pass by. Not really sure how you’re ruining it all? It’s hard, parenting housework it all. I wrote a post earlier how I feel like I could just walk away from it all. The advice I got was too make time to look after me. Maybe if you got some helpful support from you husband you could work on the problems together. You haven’t left your children which makes me think you like I love your children and are trying your best and that’s all really we can do.

Two things: you are not alone and things can get better.

Talk here if it helps but talk to someone in real life too please. Has something specific happened today to make you feel this way?

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm sorry my message was a bit garbled because I'm sitting here crying.
I really am ruining it all. If I'm not crying Im vacant. If I'm not vacant Im shouting. I have a bad spell and end up fighting with dh over nothing.
My children are older. They're not hard to look after. I love them so much. It's them that have stopped me from just ending it all up till now. It's not so much coping with day to day life as what goes on in my head.
I get myself in such a state that the only way I can see a way out is to give up.
Three days ago I started to clear out my things. It made me calmer. I don't want to leave a mess if i give up.

You are not alone.
Do you have a professional you can talk to? A GP who you can see about getting some real help? Are you able to move, to exercise, even if it's just walking for ten minutes? Do you have work or something outside of being a mum that can motivate you?
Marriage and motherhood are the hardest things on the planet, you're not failing. You need to nurture yourself before you can be good at them xx

I suppose you could call this an episode or something. I start to get worse and worse, sad, anxious, i know im horrible to live with. Husband doesnt know what to do. We end up fighting. He says it him that makes me this way. Its not. It's me. I'm broken. I always have been.
So far I'm going through the motions. Going to work etc. I have thoughts of crashing my car. Drowning. All sorts of things. I scratch my skin to calm myself. I'm just a mess.
I can't do meds again. I dont want to live my life numb.

I have literally just started a thread from the POV of the spouse of a depressed person who's only hanging on for the kids. Here's what I didn't say on it and perhaps should have.
I hope he keeps fighting because I love him.
I hope he keeps fighting because I can't imagine not having him there beside me, living life with me and watching our children grow up. He's the only person who loves them as much as I do.
I hope he keeps fighting because if he ever gives up he will destroy us all.
I hope he keeps fighting because he did every other time and every other time he has looked back and said how it was worth it. How he's glad he didn't give up. How he loves us and his life.

I don't know if these words will reach you but just know that however much hard work you are right now, your family would almost certainly rather have you here and fighting to stay x

Seek medical advice and call MIND

Look at your diet and exercise.

Write a daily diary each day, pointing out one thing that went well.

Seek support from those around you.

Ve open and honest with your husband.

Suicide may take away your pain but all you are doing is transferring onto your husband, children and friends.

Good luck and stay strong 😘 x

Bless you x

Pickyourselfup your words made me weep. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you everyone. Ive tried telling a few people how I'm feeling but they know I've been here before. I have no faith in gps. They usually just send me away with pills.

I know i should exercise but im always tired and struggling to get through the day.

At work i put a face on but its getting so bad again i dont know how much longer i can hide it. I sat and cried in the car before my last shift.

At the minute i either dont eat or i overeat.

If i lose my husband I cant cope on my own.
I feel like my kids deserve better x

Hi FallingStar,

We're really sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

Hope you don't mind, but when threads like this are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health webguide, which lists lots of organisations which may be able to offer you some real life support.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected], or call them, free, any time, on 116 123. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek as much help and support as you can in real life as well.

It's definitely worth taking a look at the Mind website - they have tips for everyday living as well as coping with the everyday challenges of parenting. There's also info on managing during a crisis plus information about coping with Self Harm with links to how to find treatment and support. Please do take a look.

Sorry you're going through such an incredibly tough time. Sending good wishes.