I think I want to go now

[blameitonmyjuice]

I think I’ve had all I can take .

I’ve phoned NHS 24 and they will phone within the next hour but I am exhausted . I’m so very unhappy and scared permanently and I can’t keep going any more . I’ve been asking and asking for help and no one can give it . Family say I’m causing my own problems and burdening everyone else while I’m at it . I don’t know why I’m posting , just to feel less alone while I wait on someone calling back .

OP can you get to the GP yourself? It really doesn't matter what your family think about you going alone, it's what you need. Your family clearly aren't taking the situation seriously and tbh I think you need to get away from them for a while.

Hello Op , you are definitely not on your own, so many of us are or have been where you are. You are a worthy person and in fact you are actually helping me! I have felt myself slipping a bit today but reading your post reminded me about doing my breathing techniques ( which is what I was going to suggest you try , when I feel a bit panicky I forget because my brain runs away with me).

Anyway, try and just breathe, could you find a YouTube relaxation video?

Please hang in there- no one's laughing, we're all rooting for you xxx

Hi OP,

Please go to the out of hours drs. They will not laugh at you at all, they will just want to help. I know it's so very difficult to open up and talk about things especially when you feel that you are being silly but you've already been amazing by asking for help in the first place.

If your mum has mental health problems then she will also be struggling and blaming you might be part of that. The rest of your family sound like they don't really understand mental health and unfortunately have the sane mind set as many who don't understand so please try not to listen to them.

Let us know how you get on and remember you can get the help that you need for this.

❤️

You can get through this, one step at a time. Be kind to yourself and seek out kind people. It will take time but you can turn this around. Give yourself that time.

You're not alone, feels like a long road ahead I'll bet. I really hope you can get some support and start to feel brighter.

Hold on. You will get through this x

Kind people don’t laugh at people who are suicidal.
They listen and try to understand what is upsetting the person.
They encourage the person get professional help.

Sitting in OOH, place is jam packed - four police officers ... three poorly babies and three or four others in rooms . Looks like 3-4 hours wait they saying and no phone battery but will update ASAP .

I’m right at the back of the queue they’ve said , two assaults/fights (can’t work it out) to go first plus two babies and an unwell adult . Nurse said hopefully be seen before midnight but no guarantee . I’m shattered . Mum came with me in the end but she’s not happy , headache etc .

You’re taking care of yourself, seeking help with this, and that is a good thing and a strong thing.

Accept your mums help with flaws and all. She cannot give you all the understanding you need but she’s there. This is your journey and you can do this

Well done getting there! Remember to thank your mother.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I haven't any advice but wanted to wish you well. I hope you feel better soon.

🌸🌸🌸

Got seen by a GP , who knew my mum , he was very nice - not being admitted to hospital but given 6 x 2mg diazepam just to see if that settles me a wee bit . Think it has done something as head feels a bit swimmy. He booted (not literally) my mum out of the room though as said I needed to talk to him alone . Which helped I think . They all know my mum and acknowledged there are hugely adverse circumstances that would make living at home a bloody nightmare . Hopefully get back to my own life soon . The difficulty is money I think - my family say I am freeloading and would rather I got a council house and benefits and begged my dad for money for stuff like tampons and shampoo . I abused by my dad , I don’t want to ask him for anything . Let alone tampons .

I do get w student loan but that stops next month . Friend said to ask uni for help via discretionary funding as that’s what there designed for , I’m not sure as I’ve bought myself a jacket with the last loan and some bras/jeans (gained 6 stone through last year due to illness).... maybe they will see that as reckless family do .

Anyway going to bed soon as sleepy sleepy now : thank you al so so much

I'm so glad you went and got seen and got some help. That's the first and biggest step out of the way. Once you've had some sleep and some peace you can start on the next step.

When you're ready take a look at the link below, it's from the mental health charity Mind and gives some info on where to access help for benefits etc.

www.mind.org.uk/about-us/our-policy-work/benefits/where-you-can-find-help/

Stay strong and safe OP 🌹

dont be afraid to seek help.you are deserving of that.
whatever reason you feel this way can be supported.it sounds like you have had some tough times.and your mind like you organs can get strained or poorly.and it too need and deserves help.if your heart or a limb was in aid you would know it needs care and attention and maybe medication.so does your mind.it too deserve and needs to heal.that could be via meditation or talking or pills.none of these are wrong.its just finding the healer that heals you.
what your family has said is bullshit.
and any health care proffesisioan that would agree are wankers of the highest order.
keep seeking help.
dont be disheartened by your futrue or having to sort things out,take tiny steps and get the info you ned in order to help you do so.there is suport and help you just gotta find it.
is there help at your uni.some counciling through them?
get help.you can do this.it will be ok.you just gotta find your healing.big hugs.
and dont you dare leave.the world needs you!
if you go that would be tagic and permanent.this though,this feeling cn change.i promsise youit can

I'm so glad you went, the gp is obviously aware that your mother is not helping you . I hope you had a nice sleep xx

Hope you feel a bit better today OP.

Much the same to be honest . Diazepam has made me a bit wobbly but nothing else . My gran phoned and shouted at me for sleeping in . My mum angry that I’m not happy and laughing and cheerful and not wanting to go for a long walk or go to my granny’s or something . But I haven’t self harmed so that’s maybe a good start . I want to but I can’t bring myself to do it . Have taken 3mg of diazepam in total . Just feel a bit like a robot . I keep questioning myself and whether I’m actually unhappy or if I want to be or if I’m delusional and just going mad or what I don’t know .

Contact MIND and your local Citizen's Advice Bureau, and in particular look into your entitlement to benefits. It sounds to me as if you really need to get away from your toxic relatives as soon as possible.

OP it's no wonder you're unhappy with family like that around you. Their reactions are not normal. Is there any way you could stay with a friend or a more supportive family member for a few days? Longer term, you need to move out as it seems they are contributing massively to your mental health issues.

I just feel that I’m a burden on them if that makes sense . They would be happier if I wasn’t around . I haven’t got the nerve to do anything but I just feel I’ve got no purpose in life except to do what they need me or want me to do .

My period started earlier which probably has some bearing on it all but I just feel horrendous .

Desperately want some sort of normal life . I think about going out for a walk then I think that something stopped me from going out before , and I can’t go in case that reason was important , or like tempting fate or something . GP said it sounds very like OCD and said it was something called magical thinking .

And the thing is no one would want to go out with me anyway because all I talk about is anxiety . There’s nothing good or interesting left in me anymore .

Haven’t really got any close friends or other family . My aunty lives about hundred miles away and offered me to stay at hers for a weekend but I don’t know . I was offered a specialist appointment in town near her to get my smear test done by specialist clinic for women that have been assaulted/raped , I’ve previously been given anaesthetics and that for them. I tried explaining that to family but they said maybe I need to just grit my teeth and get on with it like a normal person . Mum was raped but she says she manages smears normally .

Aaaaaaargh. Just need a lovely quiet calm day by myself .

Wishing you all the best OP.
I notice that you're often writing " My Mum/Gran says that ... so maybe I ought to ... Any of us outside your situation can see quite clearly that what your mum and gran are saying is rubbish and doesn't mean you ought to cope/do things the way they think / etc.
It will be much harder for you to see this because you have grown up with it. That is why it would be helpful to be able to put some distance between you and them as over time and with therapy it will help you to see things more clearly.
Please use the mind links above to find support, both for your me talk health concerns and for establishing yourself more separately from your family
I don't think this will be something you can sort in a day or two. It is going to be a step by step mountain climb and of course you are exhausted by all the emotional upheaval. Try and take one small step towards getting the help and support you need each day but also be extremely kind to yourself. You are in a horrible situation which is not of your own making. It's not a situation that you 'deserve' because of anything you have done wrong. It is a terribly unfair situation to be in.
You are bright enough to get a place at university and articulate in writing here. Please try and take small steps to getting help and support.

You've been through so much, and just because your mum reacted a certain way doesn't mean you will. Is your aunt a more supportive person in general? If so, maybe it would be no harm to go and stay with her.

You should try some CBT - there are free courses online. When you have a negative thought, like "I can't go outside", you label it as just a thought (because that's all it is, it's not actually true) and let go of it. It might be nice to go for a walk and listen to a random podcast while you're out, just to distract yourself from the negative thoughts.

Your mother would benefit from professional help.
It sounds like a weekend with your aunty would be good for you.