I know where you are coming from. I had an easy pregnancy until I got PE at 36 weeks, I was induced & ended up in high dependency after EMCS. I'd been presented with this creature (DS) that I had no idea how to stop crying other than stuff a bottle in one end & clean up the other, he never slept, where was this feed every 3 hours? I'd no sooner got one feed down him before he wanted another. I was still not well, it took nearly 3 months for the effects of PE & HELLP syndrome to go away, I was knackered. I fantasized about not having DS, I took ages to bond with him, the in laws & family were driving me mad, they wouldn't leave us alone. My head was a mess, I couldn't think straight, I was so deeply depressed one night I went in the bath & lay with the water almost up to my nose trying to go to sleep in the hope I would drown. I needed space & time on my own with DS & never got it. I finally broke down to my midwife one morning, she was still visiting a month after DS was born because I was so ill, she listened, rang my GP, put me in her car & took me to see the doctor who put me on antidepressants & insisted I went back once a week. My mum & dad came to help look after DS & my husband who had been diagnosed with MS a month before DS was born, I was marched up to bed & slept for 16 hours. For the next week my mum & dad came at breakfast time every morning, they gave us breakfast, my dad took my husband out while my mum looked after DS & me, she didn't ask what I wanted for meals, I wasn't capable of thinking, she cooked my favourite foods, made me have a 3 hour nap every afternoon, cleaned up & gradually taught me how to look after DS, she taught me to bath him, how to wind him properly & got me into a routine. After a week they started just coming in the afternoon so I could nap, still bringing us meals, my mum took me out for my first walk with DS in his pram, I hadn't been outside except to go to the doctors for nearly 7 weeks. She listened to me when I needed to get the horror of DS birth out of my head even though she had been there through the whole thing. It took me 3 months to gain confidence & to feel like me again. Without the midwife listening, an understanding doctor & my mum & dad I wouldn't have got through it. You need to find someone to talk to, a health visitor, a doctor, your mum, you need someone to listen & not stop you talking, you need to get all the stuff in your head out in the open. Don't be afraid to ask for help, I'm convinced that sleep deprivation played as big a part as the horrific birth in my depression, it will get better, you just need time, patience & understanding.