Reached the bottom and want to die

[hopeandhelpless]

I don't think I could possibly feel any worse in my life ever than I do right now. I've always been up and down with depression since I was 12. I'm 22 now with 3 kids and I love them and they are all that keeps me happy. But otherwise I'm really miserable in life, I love that I've had my babies young but life just feels too much for me. I'm sick of depending on medication to make me feel better. Is this what life is going to feel like forever? I'm so fed up. I can't do the everyday anymore, I can't go to bed at night and wake up with no motivation, no go, no positive feelings any longer. I've been considering hanging myself for months, I'm just worried about what would happen to my kids because my family is shit and so is their dad (all 3 have the same dad). I would want them to go into care but don't want them to be separated but I know that's asking too much. I feel selfish for wanting to end my life but I can't see it getting better for me. I'm all my children have but I don't feel that I am enough. I'm rubbish. I hate life, how things are these days disgusts me, I hate the world we live in. Just can't cope.

I'm so sorry you feel like that. It sounds as though the meds you are on aren't doing a very good job. How long have you been on them? How long have you felt like this?

I think you should phone your doctor's surgery and tell them you have to see someone today. It's an emergency. If the receptionist won't give you an appointment, tell her that you feel you want to commit suicide. She will get you help.

Is there anyone you can call on to be with you?

Hello, thank you for your reply.
I stupidly stopped taking my medication about a month ago because it was making me ridiculously sleepy in the day and I was struggling to stay awake. I haven't spoken to the doctors since they upped my dose about 6 weeks ago. They gave me diazepam as a one off to help my panic attacks but they told me they wouldn't be giving it to me again, but that's the only thing that has worked! I don't really know what to say to them now.
I have no support whatsoever, my family is no support system and my partner is oblivious to my mental health.
I just keep crying and can't stop.

Sorry you feel this way. Can you not contact your GP and request an emergency appointment today. It sounds like you need your meds re-checking and shouldn't stop suddenly. Are you with your children's father? Is he supportive?

I've got an appointment for something else today at 4.30pm so I'll speak to the doctor then about my medication.
My partner is rubbish, unsupportive, puts me down, slept with someone else a few months ago, is a deadbeat dad, etc. Not really sure why I am still with him but struggling to just walk away. He's not the reason I am so depressed though.

Hi hope, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

for you, hope, the bit where we have young kids is a struggle for everyone, even if things are on an even keel. We hope you find the support you need.

OP, if you’ve just stopped your medication abruptly rather than tailing it down slowly, you will be experiencing rebound depression on top of withdrawal symptoms, and it’s no surprise you feel suicidal.
You need an urgent appointment to restart either your existing meds or a change to a different antidepressant that is less sedating.
There are lots of different treatments available for severe depression - several different classes of tablets, cognitive therapy and ECT, which can be life saving when patients are actively suicidal.
Please don’t give up, when you haven’t tried more than a fraction of the possible treatments. Give your GP or CPN a ring, or go to the nearest open-access psychiatric crisis unit and get help.
When you are mentally well and in your right mind, you know that you don’t really want to die, and that it would devastate your children.
The suicidal impulses are not the “real you”, they are just a feature of the depressive illness, warping your thinking. Don’t let the illness win - please get the help that you need and deserve, so you can enjoy your life and your children again.
Sending you a big hug, OP, and my prayers that you are soon feeling much happier on treatment. God bless.

Please be honest with your GP when you see them and tell them exactly how you are feeling. Show them your OP if needed. You deserve to get help for you and your children.

I’m sorry you are feeling the way you do. Try and remember this feeling is not forever. You have a lot on with 3 kids, which I presume are quite young! You are right, they do need their mum, so it’s important that you take this seriously. You can’t give up.

There are 4 main ways that people stay well when under pressure, pick one to use, it will make a difference:

Social Support

None of us make it through this world alone, we all need others. You say you have no one and this won’t be helping. Where are your school friends? Neighbours? Any ‘mum’ friends? Is there one thing you can do to reconnect with one person? You don’t have to offload to this person, just being with someone can help

Finding some purposefulness

Being a mum is great for purpose but for many it all consumes us and we end up losing our ‘other’ identity. What do you have outside of your dc to give you meaning? Do you paint? Sew? Write? Run? Walk? What is it that you are not doing that gave you pleasure? How could you fit this in your life?

Your thinking

This is where things like CBT / therapy may help. You are probably catastrophising your situation...so if one thing goes wrong you think EVERYTHING in your life is bad...it’s not, there will be good amongst the shit if you pay attention to it, the sunshine today for example. You are probably thinking life is ALWAYS going to be like this, it’s not. This is temporary, a blip and you (like many others before you) will make it through. You probably also think it’s just YOU that these things happen to, they don’t, it’s nothing about you in particular, life is just tough sometimes. It’s nothing you have done.
Therapy /cbt can help you get rid of these harmful thoughts. Have you put yourself on the waiting list?

Confidence is the last thing people do to get through tough times. It is right at this point you are at now where you need to play back the things you are good at and use those skills. What have you succeeded at it your life? (If you say nothing - see above about your thinking) how are those skills useful, today?
If you don’t know, you really need to know. This can be a task, finding out your strengths, there is something there I promise...you’ve just got to find them

Life is really tough, at some points seems unbearable, but you can do this. It honestly truly won’t last forever, you can feel ok.

Are you OK OP?

Hello, thank you so much to each of you for your replies. All of the comments have offered me advice that I needed to hear. I know I'm feeling this way due to abruptly stopping my medication and I feel silly for doing that now. Unfortunately I couldn't speak to who I saw at the doctors surgery today because she was a nurse and not a very friendly or approachable one. My own GP is away until the end of next week but I'm going to ask for a telephone call from another doctor and ask to start some new medication that works better for me.
I find it hard to see things from a realistic point of view and do often allow myself to be consumed in my own thoughts. I'm deeply affected by events in my past also which plays a big part of it but nobody seems to understand that.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I'm going to re-read every comment and use the advice that has been given to the best that I can xx

Hi OP. Just wanted to say that I felt very depressed at the start of the year. Various things, bad physical health and work alongside being a mum- it’s just been feeing like a slog. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD from previous abuse and I am awaiting therapy. Talk to your GP about your meds, I’m still working with my doctor to experiment with dosages but getting there. Thinking of you.

Everything you say sounds both so sad but also so normal, in that many many people who have felt suicidal and come out the other side would say the same as you. So there is lots of hope!

Your partner who slept with someone else may not be the cause of your depression, but he could certainly be contributing to your not coping . Do you want to stay with him or is ending the relationship just one thing too many right now?

I really second the pp who mentioned cbt. Long term anti-depressant use isn't actually the best thing for depression. It has its place (and is probably what you need right now while you're in crisis), but something like cbt can really help you reshape your thoughts and coping mechanisms so that you don't do that downward spiral into despair every time.

How old are your kids? Is there a good health visitor you could chat things through with and keep in touch with regularly? A support network can really help.

Young kids is a really hard time in any mum's life though, plus a cheating partner () - this ISN'T how bad it will stay.

On a more practical note - exercise, diet and sleep are really mundane things that we forget can mess up mental health when not done well enough. Is there anything you can do to improve things in that respect?

I pray you can find some peace over the next while

Stopping psychiatric medication suddenly can tip you over the edge for several weeks. Really badly. I know because I did it myself once. Never again. Don't underestimate how much that may still be affecting you. It was only after I was rededicated on something different and started to improve a bit that I realised how dangerously unwell I'd effectively made myself.
Scary times. I was definitely not in my right mind.
It may even be worth going to A & E. I know it's a lottery depending on where you live as to how they'll help you. But if you're that low you really do need and DESERVE help.
Best of luck. I truly have been in your position and I'm still here. You are worthy of help and support.

*reMedicated