Is it ok to have a suicide plan

[allinit]

Not to alarm anyone, I'm not going to do it now.

I'm having a very hard time physically and mentally, have problems eating, sleeping, crying a lot etc.

Been to GP- offered meds but I'm still trying to get used to medication side effects from illness.

I've just got myself in a big hole crying every day, thoughts on a loop, I. An see how this has gradually escalated from despair to very low mood to going completely into a shell feeling that actually nobody can help me and whatever I do, I can't help myself.

I'm fully in control atm and although I think about Suicide a few times a day, I can always manage to process these thoughts and push through.

I just wondered if anyone else had a plan of how they would end it, not intending to do it, just to make them feel safe. It's like the feeling that you are in control. It's a logical thought not a drama, something that makes me feel safe. Or is this escalating more and do I need help

Oh, and I told my gp about it. He was very understanding. He asked a lot of questions that allowed him to understand my risks and my protective factors, prescribed me medication, arranged a follow-up appointment, gave me information on emergency and self help services, etc. There was nothing to be afraid of.

@allinit *It makes me feel happy, in fact having that control is the only thing that makes me feel good. I can step back and see this is completely disturbed.

It doesn't help that I am also starving myself and dropping weight rapidly, exercising compulsively. I realise this is upsetting the balance of my brain. It just makes me feel so good to have this control, the only good and happy feelings I have*

This really resonates with me OP 💐. Of course it's not ok to have a plan because no one is going to say that anything about suicide is ok. Of course it isn't, it's awful and you and I know it. But I do get it. I feel the same utter lack of control over most of my life and like you, weight and exercise are something I can control as well as those planning thoughts however awful and unlikely they are to be put in place. I totally get the control thing when everything else in life feels so so out of your hands. 💐

Thank you lettuce.

@allinit I hear you. I understand the desire to have some element of control through having a plan but as others have said, I think if you can have the courage to make an appt to see another doctor then you should. If you feel you might find it hard to talk maybe print out this thread and show her? I’m terrified of talking about how I feel to professionals so I understand your reticence. Big hugs x

My poor girl you need some help. It happens but once you talk to someone it will get better it takes time but you must talk about it face to face. Find a champion. Family member, friend, co-worker even metal health social worker but talk. My husband talked of nothing for months after finally admitting he was sexually abused as an 10-12 yr old at boarding school. He kept it hidden for over 50yrs until he became depressed and then lost in a spiral of fear, shame and so many more emotions. Horrendous time but I got him help, once he told me I researched and talked to people to find the right person for him. A psychologist not a psychiatrist was what he needed for the PTSD and it wasn’t easy but he is a year on, planning on extending the back of the house. All he wanted for months starting a year ago was to kill himself and he was planning how best to do it. I held and listened to him daily this tough masculine man crying like a baby he had gone back to that time. The hurt was now but talking to total strangers at the mental health clinic really helped him. Reach out please these thoughts don’t go away and the fact you are thinking about them daily is proof you are not in total control. Please be brave reach out you’ve already started here and we all support your need for help and understanding but I cannot support the idea of a suicide plan being in anyway a good thing. Please talk to someone and be totally honest it has to be total honesty or it won’t work. Every emotion you feel is real but the reason behind that emotion isn’t always real you need someone to talk through it all with you find the core and start recovery. Yes recovering you are ill nothing to be ashamed of it’s an illness like any other. Best wishes

@Welshcountry thank you so much. I have read about your husband here before and thinking about it from the other side helps. My family even if they knew my torment would not know what to do. I am sorry to hear about your husband but glad he is recovering.

I feel bad today, a huge pressure in my brain and distressed at the thoughts of days and weeks ahead to struggle through.

I wouldn't say it's "normal" no.
Please stay and talk / rant if you find it useful. There's so many people on here who will listen and not even say anything back if you don't want us to, sometimes just getting your thoughts and feelings down makes it easier, then when you're in a better place you can look back and read it and realise how far you've came.

I just wanted to say take each day as it comes, don't think too far ahead, don't focus on how you will get through the week. Just think of how you will get through today.

Please do reach out to some support lines and networks, they're there to listen and even just have a chat with, no one will judge you.

Do you have anything you can do when you feel low to take your mind of it, different things work for different people. Do you have a Netflix series you can binge watch to take your mind of things for a few hours when you're struggling, or do you enjoy drawing / colouring and can get an adult colouring book, that will keep you focused for a while. Or maybe you could do an online free course of some sort?

Each day you're overcoming these emotions and you're one day closer to feeling better.

Nope. Not OK. Imagining it on occasion is maybe not so bad but to have a plan is worrying and seems like a crutch or 'backup plan' which would interrupt recovery.

You also seem to have orthorexia/anorexia which requires help.

I know you want help or you wouldn’t be on here asking for it even if obliquely. You need to see a GP you like and trust. none of us like every person we meet or at least don’t always feel a connection. If you prefer talking to men see a Male GP if you prefer females speak to a female. You choose the person tell them all about what you’ve been doing tell them you are coming to crisis and you need to talk to a mental health specialist and want a ‘mental health crisis team’ appointment I don’t know where you are but in England & Wales most counties have at least one. There must be something where you are. Be insistent a good GP knows when they are out of their depth and it’s ok they can’t specialise in everything but ask for the help, stress you need to talk. Talking is the most cathartic action and you need to start it. The Samaritans are good but they can only suggest where to go and try and talk someone at the brink back. We don’t want you at that stage. So look on the net for local nhs metal health team, or your location equivalent, try via the local hospital but truly the GP can get you connected quickly. Don’t down play this with “ I’m in control I’m not going to do it”. The illness is already with you planning is a symptom. please take a leap of faith and trust someone. You would be surprised how family can help I know it isn’t everyone that is good in a crisis and some people hate ill health but someone in Your group of friends and family will help you so try that as well. Back up to get you started go to the first appointment with and wait outside to hug you after that first step.

you can talk to me privately if you wish I don’t mind one bit.

I've had a plan for years, although I'm unconvinced that I would have the courage to hurt my DH so badly. I'm more worried that my death in service wouldn't pay out!

I'm inclined to agree, when things are becoming unbearable, the idea of having a plan makes you feel more in control - but deep down, you know you won't ever do it. I know I won't, I've never breathed a word about it to anyone and never admitted it to a GP (I did to a counsellor once, and he dealt with it perfectly).

I've been on medication for the best part of 20 years, it keeps me level. My plan is shit anyway, it would never work.

Wishing you my best, keep putting one foot in front of the other and ask for help if you feel your control slipping away. Have faith in yourself that you can keep going.

I really do appreciate all the support and advice, I will read it again when my head is a bit clearer