Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

My husband went to the pub in his pants. His MH is not good

35 replies

Birdmum · 05/04/2019 22:07

As the title states my husband went to the pub in his boxers.

My husband's mental health is bad, he acts normal, promises normality... is actively getting help but has moments.
About 18 months ago he began to suffer, he got really drunk and did an embarrassingly stupid thing that he didnt remember but someone on our street told him what he did. He started cutting himself. He has always had spending issues and any savings I had got used to pay bills he couldn't pay for because he didn't plan or bought stupid stuff. Despite all this, we where able to work through and I came up with changes to help, he has depression and doesn't suggest stuff to help himself, which in itself can be tiring. However I went out to see a friend in need and left him with our girls. He decided to take an overdose. I was so angry he did it with the girls in the house, but also cared for him, it was really hard.
A year later of ups and fucking downs, and more of the same shit, more drunken shit, more times of family and friends stepping in to help his drunken behaviour in between the normal wonderful family we have we drew a line. No more stupid stuff.
Well three weeks ago I went out for a couple of drinks with a friend. It wasn't much as I had work the next day, before I left my DH was playing with my eldest and wished me a good night, everything was normal, the was no cause for worry. We went out for 2 and a half hours. I looked at my phone to see a text from my neighbour saying I need to get home. My husband had drunk half a bottle of whiskey and gin, had an argument with someone on the phone at samaritans, smashed a mirror, vomited everywhere and ran away leaving my neighbour who was trying to help with my kids in the house. Again friends and family came to his rescue bringing him him from the pub where he had gone in his boxers. My brother got him home and my husband asked me to stab him in his drunken state, it scared me. The next day my husband woke up asking why he was on the sofa, not remembering a single thing. None of it barr two drinks and a call to samaritans.
I love my husband and the life we could have when it's normal but i can't trust myself to relax again incase he does anything like this again.. My husband says it's not his fault and doesn't feel it's him choosing it as it's his mental health. I understand his mental health is a huge problem and I have adapted and tried to fix it all. But now I have panic attacks, I'm tired and exhausted, I don't know if I can forgive pulling repetitive stuff like that round our kids, it's not his health issues it doing it around the kids, it's excessive drinking and not taking real resposabilty. Is his behaviour normal for someone with mental health issues? He has depression and ocd with mild bipolar tendencies. Am I a bad person for being angry at this?

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 05/04/2019 22:10

I think you should post this under alcohol support.

SisterhoodOfKahn · 05/04/2019 22:14

Fuck your husband!! What about your two daughters???

Blimey get your priorities right!

Minkies11 · 05/04/2019 22:17

You cannot have this man around your children. End of.

rosie1959 · 05/04/2019 22:17

Don't think it's his mental health that is the main problem
I would take a guess that he is an alcoholic and any other problems he has are made worse
Quite frankly I would leave him to it until he makes an effort to address this nothing is going to get any better whilst he is drinking like this

nespressowoo · 05/04/2019 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Masai71 · 05/04/2019 22:19

Children are a priority here. NOT him.

IVEgottheDECAF · 05/04/2019 22:20

Are social services involved op?

HoHoHolittlepea · 05/04/2019 22:22

So basically he's an alcoholic.
And he definitely can't be left unsupervised with the children again.
It must be really awful for them and you..do you have any support from any services?

Original poster
Birdmum · 05/04/2019 22:23

As stated before it was normal, my husband was normal... I wouldn't of left him with our children if I thought different. I posted on mental health because I wanted a greater understanding of his mental health. This is also my first post ever and came here for support.... was expecting the leave him comments and that is probably what is going to happen... however he is still my children father and I need to understand his mental health more. I've obviously come to the wrong place for this, sorry.

OP posts:
Moanymoaner123 · 05/04/2019 22:23

He's an alcoholic, so of course will blame anything and everything other than the drink. You can't subject your DC to this, you should think about leaving him. He won't get help unless HE wants to, and it sounds like he is deep in denial. 'Mild bipolar tendencies' isn't a thing btw, it is a pretty serious MH condition,

Aquamarine1029 · 05/04/2019 22:25

You CAN NOT help him and you need to get yourself and your children away from him. Now.

Peterpiperpickedwrong · 05/04/2019 22:28

Am I a bad person for being angry at this?

Not at all. You should be angry at this. His drinking and antics have robbed you of the happy family life you had AND it is making you ill. Stay angry and let that anger fuel you into action. Flowers

UserAlice · 05/04/2019 22:30

Is your husband getting any support from any professionals? Has he seen the GP? I agree that he cannot be left with children but completely understand why you want to try and support him rather than just leave him.

Sorry you are going through this. Flowers

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 05/04/2019 22:32

You’re getting these answers because to the people on here with actual experience of severe mental health issues it doesn’t sound as if that’s quite the case. It does sound more as if he has alcohol problems and the mental health line is an excuse. Sorry.

ExtraPineappleExtraHam · 05/04/2019 22:32

It sounds like a dual diagnosis, so either mental health issues are the reason he drinks or his drinking exacerbates his mental health problems.
Could you ask your local mental health trust for advice? Someone will come out to assess him.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 05/04/2019 22:32

You sound extremely stressed and hoped for support from this page, unfortunately the situations you’ve described paint a worrying picture of the danger he is exposing your children too. So whilst you’re worrying about him, you’ve not mentioned the damage he is doing to your children. Hence the slightly harsh responses you’ve received telling you to focus on them first.

He is an adult, they are not.

If he has always been bad a money, his spiral maybe due to additional debt / gambling etc and his suicide attempts could be the guilt and shame he feels. His behaviour is pretty difficult to have around children, so you need to be aware how destructive this can be. Providing support for him might be better by getting him to see GP’s and being referred for MH support or medication. There are pills which support alcoholics and AA groups. If he isn’t taking proactive steps now to address this behaviour you might need to ask him to leave the family home to limit the kids exposure.

I hope you have a supportive family OP and friends who can help you through this difficult time.

Paddingtonthebear · 05/04/2019 22:34

You’re not a bad person for feeling angry. He is out of control. I know it’s not his fault, he needs serious help. But you have to put your children first. And your own mental health. To be honest I am surprised no one has called social services yet, I would be highly concerned if I was your neighbour. Your children are really not safe around him, sadly.

rosie1959 · 05/04/2019 22:34

Op his mental health will not improve until he sorts out his drinking
Alcoholics are not bad people just suffering with an affliction that makes them behave in the ways you describe
Any medication he is taking will not work with alcohol
I can recognise his behaviour because I was that alcoholic He can get better but that has to come from him you are absolutely powerless to do anything

UserAlice · 05/04/2019 22:35

@msadorable with all due respect alcholism is a mental health issue and alcholism is very often a by-product of another mental health issue such as depression

People should understand alcoholics don’t choose to be that way. They don’t love to get drunk and ruin their lives. They have a serious addiction. Alcohol dependency is not a choice.

So yes - alcoholism is a serious mental health issue. Don’t judge something you don’t understand.

Babdoc · 05/04/2019 22:36

OP, I think by supporting him, you and his family are simply enabling his drinking and destructive behaviour. There is no incentive for him to change, or deal with his alcoholism, while you are all there bailing him out all the time. It’s codependency.
I think you need to start putting yourself and your children first, before you all get dragged down by him as well. You need to employ some tough love here- leave him to sort out his own mess, encourage him to engage with alcohol support and/or mental health services as appropriate, but lay down some clear boundaries for what you will no longer tolerate. And be prepared to throw him out if he transgresses them.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 05/04/2019 22:36

Some posters seem to think that this is in AIBU. Stop giving her orders.
The op is asking for help, not a kicking.
It seems to me that your husband is an alcoholic. Are his mental health
problems self diagnosed, has he seen a doctor? If not then a visit to a gp is probably the first step.
You are not wrong to feel angry, it's completely understandable.
You can't fix this without outside help. Try and get some medical help.

Claw01 · 05/04/2019 22:40

He abuses alcohol. Is it normal for people with mental health difficulties to abuse alcohol was the question. More likely to, probably.

I don’t see how you having more understanding is really going to change anything?

babysharkah · 05/04/2019 22:47

Any mental health issues he has are being exacerbated by alcohol. Until he addresses the alcohol issues the MH issues will get worse. He's an active alcoholic who shouldn't be around your children.

PersonaNonGarter · 05/04/2019 22:48

How much do you drink, OP?

Iggly · 05/04/2019 22:52

You can’t fix your husband, only he can. Try as you might, you really really can’t.

His problems with alcohol are, I’m guessing, related to his mental health issue. Until he gets help with those - then he won’t get better. But again, you cannot fix that for him.

The best you can do is take responsibility for what you can do. That is protect your children. Don’t leave them with him, don’t rely on him, separate if you have to. Anything but hope that he’ll magically get better. He won’t.