My husband went to the pub in his pants. His MH is not good

[Birdmum]

As the title states my husband went to the pub in his boxers.

My husband's mental health is bad, he acts normal, promises normality... is actively getting help but has moments.
About 18 months ago he began to suffer, he got really drunk and did an embarrassingly stupid thing that he didnt remember but someone on our street told him what he did. He started cutting himself. He has always had spending issues and any savings I had got used to pay bills he couldn't pay for because he didn't plan or bought stupid stuff. Despite all this, we where able to work through and I came up with changes to help, he has depression and doesn't suggest stuff to help himself, which in itself can be tiring. However I went out to see a friend in need and left him with our girls. He decided to take an overdose. I was so angry he did it with the girls in the house, but also cared for him, it was really hard.
A year later of ups and fucking downs, and more of the same shit, more drunken shit, more times of family and friends stepping in to help his drunken behaviour in between the normal wonderful family we have we drew a line. No more stupid stuff.
Well three weeks ago I went out for a couple of drinks with a friend. It wasn't much as I had work the next day, before I left my DH was playing with my eldest and wished me a good night, everything was normal, the was no cause for worry. We went out for 2 and a half hours. I looked at my phone to see a text from my neighbour saying I need to get home. My husband had drunk half a bottle of whiskey and gin, had an argument with someone on the phone at samaritans, smashed a mirror, vomited everywhere and ran away leaving my neighbour who was trying to help with my kids in the house. Again friends and family came to his rescue bringing him him from the pub where he had gone in his boxers. My brother got him home and my husband asked me to stab him in his drunken state, it scared me. The next day my husband woke up asking why he was on the sofa, not remembering a single thing. None of it barr two drinks and a call to samaritans.
I love my husband and the life we could have when it's normal but i can't trust myself to relax again incase he does anything like this again.. My husband says it's not his fault and doesn't feel it's him choosing it as it's his mental health. I understand his mental health is a huge problem and I have adapted and tried to fix it all. But now I have panic attacks, I'm tired and exhausted, I don't know if I can forgive pulling repetitive stuff like that round our kids, it's not his health issues it doing it around the kids, it's excessive drinking and not taking real resposabilty. Is his behaviour normal for someone with mental health issues? He has depression and ocd with mild bipolar tendencies. Am I a bad person for being angry at this?

You're not a bad person. But you don't say how old your dd's are and whether they've seen any of this, if they have already it's not ok for them. If they haven't yet they will someday and that's not ok. It sounds like if you ask your dh to leave for a while he will have family to help him and you don't have to worry about him being alone? If he genuinely does bad things and doesn't remember any of it he cannot ever be left with your girls. Even if he hasn't been violent mentioning stabbing your brother isn't good at all. It sounds like all of his shenanigans involve alcohol, does he have a history of MH breakdowns that don't involve drink?

@UserAlice with all due respect I sadly have a great deal of experience in this and am perplexed as to why you assume I don’t understand. My father was an alcoholic, it is an illness, I’ll grant you that and we have had other mental health illnesses in both families.

Op I hope you get the help you need.

I'm sorry youre going through this. I would agree that your children deserve normalcy, in a way you had 3 children, it's just the 3rd should know better.

Mental health services aren't what they used to be, I think you would all benefit from some time apart, where your hubby is in a controlled environment.

You can't live your life in fear of what stunt he's going to pull next. You have to think of yourself and your children.

I hope you sort something out.

@PersonaNonGarter why is that relevant or do you think they are co dependent?

OP I am so very sorry for the circumstances you are in.

Problem with alcoholism and mental health difficulty is that the service user gets trapped in limbo. Mental health services won't address the mental health till the alcoholism is "under control". Addressing the alcoholism without mental health support which may be drivers for the behaviour can't be addressed by professionals in mental health because of the first point, and round and round the service user goes in a perpetual wheel of misery!

It's truly awful.

Are you able to self refer to CDAT (community drugs and alcohol team) in your area, if there is one, or speak to a GP for support with a referral?

You could try crisis mental health but I fear you'll get brushed off with "it's the alcohol"

Ask for a.referral to a CDAT team, they tend to have in house mental health support which means they can get the ball rolling in that respect.

With regards to your family life, you obviously can't leave the children in his supervision, but you're not stupid, you know that. I'm so very sorry, the pressure and strain is so tough.

@PersonaNonGarter
Your question is completely irrelevant to the mental health of the OP's husband

@Birdmum
Please return to this thread, there are some really helpful suggestions here.

My question about the OP’s alcohol consumption was to get a sense of what she views as ‘normal’ drinking and whether drink was part of the relationship.

It is interesting that the OP has put this on the ‘mental health topic not alcohol support. That makes sense but of course nothing can improve until the drinking stops.

Persona Non Garter
How very helpful that would have been 🤔

I really feel for you OP and I have fairly severe MH problems myself so do sympathise but the girls have to take priority, even before your marriage.

I'm not saying divorce him but he cannot be around those children in this state and certainly can't be left alone in charge of them. He just isn't capable no matter how much he tries to pretend he's ok. It's not his fault but there's a difference between fault and responsibility and It's yours and his responsibility to provide stability for your girls. If that means him living with his mum until he is more stable then so be it. He can't want his daughters witnessing this?