To think that sometimes I wish it was over!

[helpmehelpmygirl]

I often wish I wasn’t here. Tonight is a particularly bad night and I just want to disappear.
My dd is my world and only nearly 3. She is literally all that keeps me here.
I’m 29 and I’ve dealt with constant ill health, nearly dying when my dd was born, an abusive marriage (physical, sexual,verbal, financial), being completely let down by family, losing my career as a nurse as my dd is autistic (I wouldn’t change her for the world but my god it’s hard) constant hurt and being let down by people I love.
I just can’t cope anymore. I’m on medication, I’m under the mental health team, yet I’m still struggling.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel numb once my dd is in bed. She’s my everything and I’d do anything for her, but I’m only ever going to let her down.
I just can’t do this anymore.

This isn’t an aibu OP. If you genuinely think you might harm yourself you have to seek RL support right now
Struggling to see how your dd would be better off without you though. Sounds like you’re a rock and have survived so much already.

You would be surprised at how little your DD will feel she has been "let down". Your love for her will show more than anything else ever could. You need to get some real person support. Is there an autism support meet up for kids you can attend? Spending time with people experiencing similar to yourself makes a world of difference.

You are not letting her down, you are her world. You are the most important thing in the world to her and she loves you. She can't always show it but she loves you. You are her safe space. The rest is just fluff. There is no way you are letting her down.

You can do this. Break it down and try to find a little bit of sunshine in the smallest thing everyday. Then build from there.

I'm in a dark spot myself at the moment but it will pass. Plus if you check out now you'll never know how the story ends

Hang in there kidder

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/#

Ring them - talk it through. Please

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

I called Samaritans earlier and it was nice to talk about it all. It just doesn’t replace a supportive family/partner. My dd deserves so much more than she has. She deserves a dad/grandparents/aunties/uncles...but she won’t ever have that. Yet I feel guilty about it. I’d go to the end of the earth for her, but if she doesn’t have support from more people than me, then we’re never going to get anywhere. I just feel so overwhelmed and a bit sorry for myself tbh

First I’m sending you a big hug, because you need one.
What you’ve been coping with would have destroyed most people. You are an absolute hero, even though you don’t realise it.
It is your depression and exhaustion that are making you feel you’d prefer to be dead - that’s not your own real thoughts. How long have you been on medication, because it takes up to a few months to work, and it can make you feel worse before you start to improve?
Please contact either your GP, CPN or crisis team. You need some help
and support in real life, as well as whatever comfort and handholding we can give you here on MN.
Your GP may be able to organise some respite care for you, or direct you to local support groups or volunteers who can befriend and help you. Don’t try to shoulder all your burdens alone - they’re way too heavy.
I will put you in my prayers tonight, that you find the strength to carry on and the support you need to be able to enjoy your life again. God bless, OP.

OP, although it's probably devastating that those people won't be in her life, that's not your fault and your DD won't care. The rest of the world could go up in smoke for all she'd care. I feel so sad that you feel like this OP, because you seem like a lovely person. You've experienced the sort of trauma that would bring anyone to their knees, and you're still standing.

This will pass. But it's a fucker to have to go through. Give Samaritans a call, just to hear another voice. You've always got people here to talk to if you need a hand hold.

Your dd is your world, you are your dds world. Please go back to your gp and get the support you deserve and need. Sending hugs - it will get better.

Oh OP it sounds like you've been through an incredibly amount in a short space of time. Anyone would be struggling. More important than anything else is that your DD has you. You sound amazingly supportive and you've been through so much and you're still going. You're amazing!

OP I am a DM to a 4yo autistic DS and a small baby. I'm also suffering with severe post natal depression and am currently under the mental health team.

You are not alone.

All you need to do right now is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you absolutely can manage that.

Does your DC go to a specialist provision for nursery? You can definitely enquire about that. Do you have a local SEN support network? I was completely lost until I found a group of autism mums with DCs of a similar age to mine.

I'm emerging from a very similar dark place to the one you're in now, you can do it too.

Firstly, she is lucky. She has you and you love her. Secondly, you need support and one thing to do ( apologies if it has already been mentioned) is to be in touch with other families with autistic children. Stay strong and be proud of what you are doing.

Thank you all so so much. I’m crying so much right now!
I am under the care of the crisis team and I’ve been on medication for about 6-7 month (I think). I’m doing everything I can to hold myself together for my little girl, but it’s so hard. I’m all she has and the pressure is immense. I just want everything for her and the fact that I can’t provide that, makes me feel like such a failure. How can such a gorgeous, funny, intelligent little person get such a rubbish deal in life.
In many ways I know how lucky we both are...but sometimes it’s hard to think straight.

Can you text or phone any close family. They might not let you down this time?

You are amazing. All she needs is you.

Look at her little face, you must see the love she has for you? My DD is also three, and bloody hard work, but sometimes when she hugs me I can feel how much she loves me and it makes me want to cry.

It’s hard now, but it won’t always be. You’re not a failure, not in any sense of the word. Sometimes all we can do is take it an hour at a time and not be too hard on ourselves. Please be kind to yourself.

I bet if you saw your friend doing what you do and coping how you’re coping you’d have nothing but praise for her.

I don't know your family situation, but if I was your mum or sister, no matter what rows we had in the past, I would want to be there for you now. I would want to know you were in such a difficult place tonight.

Sorry I cross posted with a couple of you.

@jamoncrumpets I’m sorry that you’re feeling the way you are. I can’t imagine what it must be like with two children, I struggle with just the one lol. I hope you’re ok. It’d be lovely to talk more?

I had to take my little girl out of nursery as she was struggling so much. I’m currently looking for a smaller/quieter nursery for her but they seem to be hard to come across. She is so troubled by groups of people, no matter how small, that I can’t see her even coping with nursery/school. The meltdowns following nursery just weren’t worth the short break I had

I’ve spoken to an acquaintance as she has a child with autism and she’s directing me towards groups, so that’s a step forwards.

Unfortunately no amount of talking to my family seems to help. I’ve opened Up completely to my mum but she seems to think she’s been through it all, so there’s no support there. I’ve felt completely let down, but the more I think about that, the worse I feel. So I’m trying to come to terms with the lack of support.

My little girl is the most affectionate little person. She cuddled and kissed me earlier, telling me that I was her best friend. She’s just amazing xx

This is something that I find so hard to open up about also. But I feel so much guilt for not being able to provide my dd with a sibling...ever.

When she was born, I suffered an enormous pph (8 litres) and required a hysterectomy to save my life. It was touch and go and I required intensive care. I see my dd with little babies and she’s obsessed. She’d be the best big sister

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Oh OP. You're carrying so much stuff, the burden must be insane. :-( All those things your DD is (her intelligence, her humour etc) are a testament to your parenting of her. I cannot imagine how exhausting it is. I know you want to give her the world but she just needs her basic needs met. Warmth, food, emotional comfort. And you give her all that.

Evenings are probably the worst because when she's asleep you have time to think. Try and think of evenings as a time when you celebrate another day successfully navigated. There'll always be fuck ups. But she's asleep, she's ok and she knows you love her. That's giving her everything.

We have a lot in common including dealing with an autistic child, abuse and having no family to turn to. I have been where you have, feeling the only reason to hold on is your child, because in your heart you know they need you even when you think they deserve better. Hang on in there, although I'm still not in the best place, years later I'm still hanging in there. I think having someone that knows what you're going through would help, so feel free to message me. You are NOT alone x

OP google your local authority + portage. You qualify for portage support.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today.