Suicide notes

[fauxpass]

I'm 6 months pregnant (first baby) and have been with dh for a long time. We own our house, the baby was very much planned and we are financially stable. We've both been on cloud nine for months or so I thought, he talks excitedly about the baby on a daily basis. I've been completely and utterly caught off guard but I've found suicide notes hidden away. I stumbled across them completely by accident and now I don't know what to do. There was one addressed to me, one to our unborn son and one to his mother. I only read the one to me as I couldn't take much more but it basically just apologises and says he didn't want to fail as a father just like his dad had (his dad commuted suicide when my dh was five)

I'm at a loss with how to handle this. He's definitely safe and alive right now, but all I can think is for how long and I'm at a complete loss with how to do this. Just this morning he left for work with a big hug, cheery love you and a kiss for bump. He's a happy man, the last person anyone who knows him would expect to even think of anything like this. He's always been vocal about how much he hates his dad for doing what he did to his family and that he was a coward for doing so, I can't comprehend how he could even think of doing this. How do I handle this? I can't tell his family, it will break them. I don't know who to turn to

You must be in shock right now. I might be wrong but I think you need to sit him down and tell him you've found the notes. I think being honest is the only way forward here, he's clearly struggling but hiding it very well. Can you speak to any of his friends? Maybe he's told them his fears.

I've no experience of this but if it was my DH I'd have to approach him.

Make sure it's in a calm, loving and supportive manner - set a scene when you are both relaxed and nothing else could fan any flames.

Then just ask him - gently explain that you found the notes by accident and how worried you are.

I would avoid mentioning his dad if you can - otherwise it could seem like blaming him for how he feels. Don't compare what he's feeling to how his dad died etc The obviously massive difference is that he's NOT like his Da as he hasn't done anything yet. He's healing enough blame and guilt on himself I'm sure so try to steer away from that angle.

Encourage him to open up and talk about how he feels. Gently suggest he should get some help via GP and / or private counselling if you can afford it.

And be kind to yourself - you've had a huge shock so this will take some time to settle in your mind.

I would encourage you to speak to your local mental health organisation. They will be better placed to advise and support you than we will. I hope by finding these both he and you get the support you need

Is he already in therapy ? He could’ve been encouraged to write the notes as a way of expressing his fears ?
Particularly as his own dad took his own life - your husband could be worried he might have those same feelings once your baby is here .

If they were hidden away - I would be wary of telling him you found them - were u snooping through his private stuff or were they ‘meant to be found’
If you were snooping then he could feel even worse knowing you have discovered them .

Ring the Samaritans, they aren't just for people in crisis but will give you advice on how to approach this. Don't delay in speaking to him or helping him access help.

I work in a sector that comes into contact with suicide (don't work directly with people so I don't want to offer any advice as I don't want to misguide you) but what is key is that often people don't have a clue. And please please don't delay. Talk to him TODAY. It can take the smallest thing to make someone go through with it. And, one of the things family members of suicide victims often say is that they seemed so happy beforehand. That can be a sign that they have made peace with their decision. I'm really sorry and don't want to terrify you but would hate to read the worst a few days from now.

Ring the Samaritans. Get guidance from them on how to approach it and they will signpost local support groups.
Talk to him. You may find that it is a huge relief to him to be able to get it off his chest.

Very best of luck and hugs xx

I second the Samaritans op. They'll be able to give you some practical advice on how to bring this up and signpost you to organisations that will help.

Best of luck to you xx

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear that you've found these notes - what a dreadful shock.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support for your DH - and for yourself - as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Get someone to mind the baby, tell him you have seen the notes and ask him 1) If he is suicidal ( use that word) 2) If he has a plan, so if he has thought about how he would do it, timescales etc. Then you know what you are dealing with. If he has no plans then you can get him to go to the gp and referred for counseling, if he does have a plan then don't leave him alone and Call 999/ get him to go to A and E. You can't ignore this. Trust me (as someone whose partner did kill himself, and whose sister has threatened to).

Good advice from @Redwinestillfine

You must speak to him. Men can be very good at covering up and not expressing their feelings, it's just all bubbling away inside. You need to break through. Just doing that and showing him it's ok to talk and feel and that you are there for him may make all the difference.

I'll just reiterate the don't leave him alone if he has a plan advice.

And get some support for yourself too.

What a shocking and scary discovery.

💐

You really must speak to him and then get help for him.

Following a family member having a psychotic breakdown down 'out of the blue' I attended a MH first aid course. We were told never to ignore threats of suicide (I know your DH hasn't done this) and to follow up to see if they have made any plans such as the method by which they would kill themselves, leaving letters.

I think you should see the GP asap and request an urgent referral to the Community Mental Health Team. If you are more concerned after talking to DH, dial 999.

In any event he probably needs counselling to cope with coming to terms with his father's suicide.

I'm speaking as someone whose DM cut her wrists, survived, doesn't know why she did it and was seemingly her usual cheerful self the day before.

He might have written the notes while he was feeling down, but not necessarily suicidal. Perhaps it's a way to make sure he says everything he wants and needs to say to you and your child in case he's not in a fit place to express himself so well if, at any time in the future, he's at the point of no return.