I’m just not worthy of it all

[CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe]

I have nothing to feel sad about. My family life and work are nothing to complain about. I have an easy going life but I’m still here feeling crippled with anxiety.

I tried to take my own life last year. I can’t put anyone else through that again, I won’t do that to them. I’m seeing my GP, medicated and awaiting therapy. Why am I such a let down to them all?

I pretend to be happy, they tolotarte me but I think we all know it’s just an act, it’s not fair on them that I’m still not happy when I should be.

It’s so selfish of me. I battle with pulling the plaster off and just ending it for all of us or continuing as I am knowing they have to live with me like this. They desreve a better mum and wife than me.

Me me me, I know how it sounds but I can’t word it any better than the thoughts crowding my head.

cheeky call Samaritans - sounds as though talking to someone would really help ? Perhaps just for now when you are in a bit of a low place. I once called them and was so glad I did.
I didn’t want to read and not reply. Your post moved me and I hope and trust you’ll be ok. Got to say - there’s a lot of really good insight there and sounds as though you’ve got good support.
Mental health isn’t about whether you have reason to feel that way! Don’t even bother loading those feelings on top. You’re simply feeling the way you are feeling.
Huge good wishes coming to you from me - a complete stranger but hope they are meaningful. They are meant.
Let someone know you are low right now. Ask someone for some help to help you through.

It is meaningful, I’m ok, I’m not low, I always feel like this, it is what it is I won’t do anything. I wouldn’t do that to them all again but that just then leaves me, as I am, with no choice left.

I’m glad it didn’t workalthough it doesn’t stop me feeling like a failure, that’s fine, it is what it is.

I just felt like posting, seeing if it helps in a small way. People are so kind but it’s hard to open up, never a good time to let it all out.

Not a failure at all as you got through it and are coping and getting help. That is bloody strong. Therapy can sometimes really really help - often. Hope that’s your experience of it.

I recently suffered a bereavement and have found mn as you say a good place for support and also just sometimes a place to get things off your chest in a different way - or the only way !

I have nothing to feel sad about. But I have anxiety and depression. I have asthma too. But I wouldn’t say I have nothing to have asthma for. I just do.
Don’t pretend. Tell your GP and medical professionals the truth. It’s their job to hear you and help you. They can’t help if you’re not honest.
Your family deserve the wife and mother they have now. Just a happier and healthier version of her.
Good luck OP.

If I do finally find a therapist where do you start? I don’t even know the start of it all. I can’t remebr not feeling like this but there must have been a before this.

I’ve always struggled, ED as a teen and young adult. Always had a semi low feeling but now, no idea why but it’s bad, I can manage but at a very unhappy low level, the thought of living like this forever... I won’t do anything though.

Heron I’m sorry for your loss and appreciate your reply. MN is a great place to load off on

Your therapist will let you start where you need to. Doesn’t matter if you start in the ‘wrong place’ for a while. It’s all relevant and s/he will help you. I once saw a therapist and think I remember saying ‘I don’t know where to start’ she just said ‘start where you want’ !

wolfiefan I tried that analogy with ‘a cold’ but had to delete as didn’t read right. You’re spot on ! It’s just all health.

I’m scared of opening the flood gates. I feel like I’ve found a happy medium to let things be ok.

What if I open up and it all pours out and I can’t gain a small sliver of the control that i have now?

What if it makes me feel worse, I can’t have that.

I let myself hit the very bottom before asking for help. I wish I hadn’t.
You may be scared of getting worse but what if it never gets better? I’ve done CBT and I’m on an anti depressant. I am SOOOOOOO much better than I was. My family are better off now because I sought help. It takes bravery. But it was worth it for me. (because why shouldn’t you have nice flowers! )

It’s all just health

It is, isn’t it?

I’m so ashamed of me, who I am, what I’ve done.

It’s all just health makes me think about why I’m ashamed, I wouldn’t be ashamed of asthma or a cold.

I cant rewrite what I’ve done though or how my family feel about me, can I?

Tell that fearnto your therapist. It is common. They will help you. Often letting go is easier than keeping it in. Your mental health actually improves. The relief can be huge. your therapist will help you through.

I can’t change my past. But I can make changes today so that tomorrow is better.
Jeez I sound like a fortune cookie but YKWIM.
My family are much happier now I have sought help. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t feel able to do that earlier. Being guilty doesn’t help them. But I can work on doing the things I need to today in order to keep getting better.

‘Fortune cookie’ that really made me laugh. You don’t sound like a fortune cookie - you sound great.

Bless you. I’m really not.
I think the problem is that part of the condition is to make you feel like you have no reason to feel like this and so guilty for feeling as you do and worthless when it comes to seeking help. And it all seems like an impossible way to climb out of the deep dark hole.
One rung at a time. One day at a time and the darkness can lift.
Now if that doesn’t sound like a sodding fortune cookie then I don’t know what does.

Did you tell your family that you were ready to be different, did they know about therapy... no idea how I’m going to find someone or afford it

I can’t change my past, I can try to move forward but what about them? How do i get them on board?

We all walk on post suicide attempt egg shells in my mind

Sorry I’m so slow to respond, I’m knackered and have to re read from the start before I respond.

Sad that I can’t even keep up with my own MN thread but that’s ok

The bottom fell out of my world and I wasn’t well enough to get out of bed some days. (Let alone work.) DH knew but not kids. (Though I did discuss it with my teen once I started the process.)
I didn’t do traditional counselling but CBT with the NHS. I went through the GP. It sounds awful but sometimes you need to think about you. Do what you need to recover and then you can start to sort out things with them.

X post.
I know that feeling. Can’t read a book or follow a TV programme sometimes. But it can improve.

I just lost my mum a few months ago. My poor lovely dp has said’one day at a time’ and ‘it will take time’ etc so often we’ve joked that we should print and laminate those phrases to hold up and save time effort (joke). I too say them and bloody hell I’d never really understood the power of them before.
Funnilynenoigh find two large boxes of fortune cookies at my ma’s -absolutely no idea why has never known her to buy or have etc. Think she had been planning Christmas ‘surpirse’? You’ve reminded me- I’m going to open them and laugh at some, love others.

Heron enjoy that

My low self would respond with my mum was a horror but myself now, just wants you to find some laughs or tears of happiness.

I’m a calm wind before the storm about myself

I slept for 11 hours! I’ve struggled this week getting up for work on time, skipped showering so not to be late etc, rushed DC into school past the bell. It must be the new night time medication so I allowed myself a lie in (DC a tween and up with her dad) I feel a bit guilty for being so lazy but I also feel very good for having so much rest, I must have needed it.

How are you doing today?

Don’t feel guilty! Stop it!!! You’re doing what you need to be better for them and you too.
I sat up too late and woke up feeling hungover. Despite not drinking. Hoping for an early night tonight.

I’m lucky to be so supported. DH has done all the jobs around the house and gone off food shopping with DC just now. I’m not allowing myself to feel guilty.

Jobs for me today are to shower and wash my hair and that’s it.

I always plan an early night but end up sitting up doing nothing much. Sleep hangovers are grim.

I hate feeling so low when I should be so grateful for everything. I’m hoping a couple of weeks on these new tablets will help and I need to find someone for therapy.

I appreciate you coming back, Hope you get some sleep tonight it really feels great I’m going to do it again tomorrow morning!