I’m just not worthy of it all

[CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe]

I have nothing to feel sad about. My family life and work are nothing to complain about. I have an easy going life but I’m still here feeling crippled with anxiety.

I tried to take my own life last year. I can’t put anyone else through that again, I won’t do that to them. I’m seeing my GP, medicated and awaiting therapy. Why am I such a let down to them all?

I pretend to be happy, they tolotarte me but I think we all know it’s just an act, it’s not fair on them that I’m still not happy when I should be.

It’s so selfish of me. I battle with pulling the plaster off and just ending it for all of us or continuing as I am knowing they have to live with me like this. They desreve a better mum and wife than me.

Me me me, I know how it sounds but I can’t word it any better than the thoughts crowding my head.

I Didn’t achieve my shower and hair wash goal toda6 but that’s ok, I’ll do it tomorrow.

I’ve had a very quiet day which has been nice. I’m so tired, the thought of a full week at work is too much to think about right now.

I’m just going to enjoy being lazy tonight knowing I have another day tomorrow.

How about a shower now and an early night. I’ve had a shower with some stuff that’s supposed to make you sleepy. All bundled up in my dressing gown!

I’m running a bath now, might as well tick that box for today and then I’m off to bed.

Let’s hope we both sleep well, I’m having a lie in again tomorrow

Scrap the bath, no hot water...

Oh bugger. I won’t get a lie in. I need to switch the tv off at a decent time and read for a bit. I know what you mean about a sleep hangover.

If only every day was a Sunday. I’ve had a good day. Day time meds don’t zombie me out which is good, they take the thoughts and pressure away so I can just be quiet.

I don’t leave the house over the weekends, I get to recharge ready for the next week, washing done and all ready for Monday.

I’ve decided to talk to someone in the well being team at work, it’s a big decision because I’m going to tell them what has really been going on and see if all the hype and posters and Support is really there.

It’s a big risk, I don’t want my team knowing so I’m relying on their confidentiality. It could potentially making everything very much worse but what if it doesn’t and I get better? It’s a risk I’m going to chance.

It’s a very small risk that could bring great benefits. That’s a brilliant step.
Can we vote for more Sundays? I think we should have a four day weekend and three day week.

Yes to a four day week and every other day a Sunday, I do like Sundays, shopping done by DH on a Saturday so no need to leave the house, just need to prep for the week, no pressure.

It is a big risk, if confidentiality is compromised and people find out before I’m ready I’ll loose hope but if not, I know I wouldn’t if someone confided in me... I could potentially have a life coach/mentor or outside counselling. Feck it, it can’t be any worse at this point so I’m going to give it a go.

Let’s hope we all have a great week (fingers crossed) thank you

I saw the gp on Friday, another new one.

He asked what I wanted to do meds wise.

I had no idea, last week I wanted to jump in front of a train that’s a pain to others so this week I’d like to have a fatal car crash please???

He agreed to keep my meds as they are, he has no idea and neither do I.

On it goes...