Everything is about to fall down

[AEJS]

I have a long history of serious mental health problems following a childhood of emotional abuse from my parents and as we grew up from my younger sister too.

My diagnosis is psychotic depressive disorder and PTSD. I have been hospitalised 4 times in the last 7 years for a month each time.

Nearly 3 years ago I went NC with my birth family. I have a wonderful supportive DH and 2 teenage DS.

I was just getting better to the point where I felt life was worth fighting for when I became physically ill. After 6 months of struggling I was diagnosed with a severe and possibly life limiting heart condition.

It felt so unfair on my family. I feel ill constantly and have very little energy.

Lately I am finding it harder and harder to keep a brave face on the situation and hide how I really feel.

I am feeling desperately low, I can’t sleep and I am finding myself thinking about self harm, something I have history of. I can’t keep putting my family through me being ill, sometimes I think they would be better without me.

I don’t know where to go for help. I just feel I’m letting everyone down again. And I include my wonderful psychiatrist and counsellor in that. Everyone worked so hard to get me well and once again I have ruined it.

I didn't want to read and not reply. I have no experience of what you have gone through...I have suffered mental health for many years on and off (anxiety mainly) and I know how difficult this is for me, so I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. It sounds like you have a loving husband and children. I'm not going to sit here and tell you to focus on them and the positives, I'm sure you already know that and it's not as easy as that, I know. Have you spoken to your GP about how you're feeling? What are your therapists suggesting to tackle this? Sending you the strength to take each day as it comes and get through this difficult time. Keep talking if you can. Hugs xx

PS you haven't ruined anything. Please try to be kind to yourself

Oh dear OP - I've no relevant experience but I didn't want to read and run.

I'm sure someone with someone with an appropriate background/experience will come to your thread soon, in the meantime have a hand hold.

All I can imagine is that your family's (and therapists) perception of what's happened and is happening is very different to your own.

It sounds like you've had an incredibly hard row to hoe in life and this latest revelation wrt to your physical health must feel bloody unfair.

In and of itself it's enough to unbalance anyone's mental well being.

That said, I can't stress enough that this feeling that they'd be better off without you is untrue. If your feeling this way please seek help from the team of people around you.

Call the Samaritains if you want to speak anonymously but please don't allow these thoughts to fester.

Hello OP,

We're really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.