Support depressed spouses thread

[Summerdreamss]

Anyone know where it is?

Or can we start a new one here?

following

Is there one?

Me too

I bloody need one one if there isn't one!!

Let's do it here then. I looked but couldn't find it.

I'll start, OH has it back again. Think I've had enough yet feel guilty as it makes me feel selfish. Years of my self esteem and walking in egg shells has taken its toll.

It's a tough one, isn't it? How much do you put up with before throwing in the towel?

One thing I learned is that other people's happiness is not your responsibility, and there is no helping someone who refuses to help themselves.

Yes a counsellor said similar about other people's happiness. I think it's realising your life has been on hold so long and missing out on so much. This probably makes me sounds selfish but I've been nothing but supportive over the years

It's a question of does one sacrifice one's own life/happiness for the sake of someone else?

If you're married, it's even worse because of the promise of "sickness and in health", so there's the big guilt pile-on, and thinking that jeez, cancer would be easier to handle than this.

And love between partners/spouses is not unconditional, no matter how much some people might like to think otherwise. There comes a time when the internal dialogue starts shouting "I didn't sign up for this shit".

Arijk, with respect, I don't think this is the thread for you.

I was on the other thread. My h has had a bit of a crisis and is considering going of work sick with stress. The first thought I had (which did make me feel guilty) was "so I have to be the strong one again". I feel bad for that.

I don't have support. I'd like to not have to always be the strong one. Part of me feels a bit numb. I don't have anyone I can rely on if I need it.

The only light is that he has recognised how he is feeling and if he gets help then things will get better.

A classic example of why these threads never work out well right there!

arijk I would recommend that you ask for your post to be deleted. It is very unsupportive of the people on this thread - you have no idea what they are going through.

Arijk I appreciate your comments and pleases you have a supportive husband. However support is always lacking for the spouse and family going through it. It's certainly affected mine in retrospect.

And yes I agree to earlier comments, I didn't sign upto this shit

Im really sorry i geuinlt thought was helping i will asked my comments to be deleted! I really hope you get the support you need

I agree about feeling the pressure to be the strong one. Emotionally it's draining and all I want is a emotionally strong man to look after my well-being for once

Arijk don't worry I didn't take offence, there's always two sides for this. Hope you keep going forward and being positive

I already know how my DH is feeling, arijk. I already know he says he feels bad for his anxiety. And that he can't help it. But I don't think this is the thread for people with depression or anxiety to come on and tell those already supporting spouses just how awful it is to have depression or anxiety.

Because it is telling a story that it's always so much more difficult for the person with mental health issues.

I know how hard it is for my husband. I know he need my support. I know that he doesn't want to feel ill with anxiety.

But that leaves me drained by always always always being the strong one. Always being supportive and never ever having a bad day. And if he is having a shit time then I can't really celebrate anything good that has happened to me because he then talk a abkut the support he needs or he feels a bit shit because he isn't in a place to celebrate.

If this sound selfish or angry I am sorry. But I can't let these feelings out anywhere.

Oh I need this. I've been married to a depressive husband for 28 years. I broke up with him before we got married because of it - I really should have stuck to my guns. But I didn't, and I have spent so much time walking on eggshells and not saying things that needed saying for fear of setting him off again, and once we had children I just didn't have the energy or desire to keep supporting him in the same way. So I withdrew, and he got more depressed. And as far as he's concerned, it's my fault that he's depressed because I don't love him or mollycoddle him any more. He just cannot seem to get the point that he is responsible for his own happiness. I'm working on being financially independent so I can leave, but the GUILT is so huge!!

Also, my 14yo DD feels sorry for him and responsible for helping him feel happier, and blames me for not being nicer to him. It's all such a mess.

After 3 years of hell my DH has finally agreed to see a psychiatrist with a view to taking medication.

The thing is, even if he does get better now, I’m not sure I will be able to forgive him for all the hurt he’s caused. It’s like I’m supposed to excuse his shitty behaviour because he’s ill, but I’m supposed to act perfectly at ALL times.

There’s so much I want to post but I don’t know where to start. I haven’t even got the energy.

It's the resentment which builds up I'm struggling with, it niggles away and turns into bitterness

@Summerdreamss

Exactly this. I’m struggling to see the ‘real’ him now and I’m frightened I’ll never get my lovely DH back. There’s now just this imposter who’s selfish, angry and unmotivated.

We have become nurse and patient rather than equals. How can we come back from that?

I recall wondering how long I could go on for, having given so much of myself and having found myself being on this nightmarish treadmill. Living with the total self-absorption of the other person. Married. Children. Carrying the can for everyone and everybody while feeling my own life draining away.

The resentment gives way to bitterness then anger. This person is stealing my fucking life, and I am allowed no say in the matter, because anything else is being unsupportive and selfish. After all, they can't help it, right?

I've seen this whole scenario close up, lived it, breathed it, then said "no more". That's when the shit really hit the fan.

So I'm here for you and offering a hand to hold. I only wish I could make you a cup of tea and share a slice of cake over my kitchen table.

Reading this has just made me realise why I'm feeling flat myself Today.

It's so tiring always being the positive one. Work and the children are demanding but I get no slack. I keep falling asleep and I'm treated as though I've done it on purpose and told off for insignificant things.

I just want a normal day where I don't do anything wrong.

Can I please join in?
My DH has just been diagnosed with depression by his GP and prescribed sertraline and counselling. He hasn't been himself for a while and I am relieved that he's getting some professional help. He initially went to GP for persistant headaches and after a brain scan ruled out anything sinister his GP suggested he was depressed and he just burst into tears.
We have had a lot of changes in our life recently :
Moving back to UK (my home country) after many years living in his home country (in Europe, not too far)
New jobs for both of us
DC leaving home
Divorce (his sister's marriage broke down after 20 yrs)
Bereavement - my Dad died just before Christmas

I guess it has all been too much for him.
He's always been a bit of a moody bugger, but much worse recently and not easy to live with. Especially as our new job means we spend a lot more time together.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to expect from his treatment, the list of side effects is a bit scary, but I hope there is some improvement.