Support depressed spouses thread

[Summerdreamss]

Anyone know where it is?

Or can we start a new one here?

Oh treenu, I know that feeling.

Some days I feel like h's anxiety is the 3rd person in our relationship. Other days I feel like h is and my relationship is with the anxiety. And bad days I feel like the 3rd wheel.

I am aware how self indulgent it is to say that though.

I came to the conclusion that, regardless of whatever MH or personality issue they have going on, it becomes an unfair contract. I felt completely stymied and felt that he was, in a way, sort of feeding off me.

No matter what I did or said it was never good enough. Always "me me me" and little or no regard to how his behaviours affected other people. Everybody was against him. It was always everybody else's fault, not his.

Then comes the resentment (from him) because he couldn't understand why I didn't agree with his mindset. It was all very complicated, because his behaviour made it so.

I put up with it for a few years then thought, no, this is not for me. I refuse to sacrifice the rest of my life because of this person's mental health. It was the best decision I ever made in my life and my one regret was that I hadn't done it much sooner.

Reading this has just made me realise why I'm feeling flat myself Today.
It's so tiring always being the positive one.

Tired sympathy fist bump to you all. I'm finding this very tiring, too. I wish I wasn't quite as much of an emotion sponge, but whenever DH is obviously having a bad day, and he comes downstairs full of gloom, my own mood just plummets, and keeping up the cheer and normal routines feels hard.

I feel so guilty that I'm struggling with DH's depression so much, because in our 20s I was the one with MH isses and he had to be the healthy one, and he never let it show to me if he struggled, and he looked after both me and everything else when it was needed.

What a relief to see this thread. But I'd love to hear from anyone who has supported a depressed spouse and both have come out the other side as a happy couple. Because I'm struggling with my DH. He is on meds but I am completely sapped in trying to support him. I look for glimmers of the person he used to be, and see them sometimes, but not often enough. I know this sounds unsupportive but I am starting to resent how our world completely revolves around his moods and wants. What tactics can I use to stop this resentment turning toxic, because if that happens I fear that our marriage is doomed.

I'd suggest counselling to you everyone for whom it's possible. I had my weekly session today myself, and it's a great place to voice all my frustrations about DH's illness; where I don't have to pretend of cope or be strong, and the counsellor never guilt trips me or tells me I'm unreasonable to feel the way I do. Definitely helps to continue on.

Can I join?

DH has low level depression I feel. Also anxiety. He is permanently grumpy, stressed, won't socialise, goes through periods of being very intense and serious, no joy in anything, black moods and very quick to anger.

Will not go the doctor or even read any articles on depression. Absolutely will not countenance the idea that he might be even a little bit down or depressed.

It's complicated by the fact that he is very passive aggressive and pretty difficult to have an open conversation worth on this - though have tried many times over the years. Have tried everything I can think of - gentle suggestions, encouragement, supporting him to see friends/take up hobby etc (won't do either), arguments, the lot.

Tonight we had a minor row but as usual he got angry. 11 year old DS was upstairs crying afterwards - afraid in case we split up.
DS already an anxious child who needs a lot of support.

In this situation...What would you do? Try to stick it out to protect the kids or leave? Feel so very torn. If you are still there with a depressed DH - how do you cope,

Life with my DH has been very difficult these last few years, but I’ve stuck by him because he recognises the problem and wants to get better.

It’s been infuriating that he’s refused medication up until now, but this is because of fear of the side effects - which I can understand. He’s been very proactive in seeking therapy, reading books, articles etc. Unfortunately these have had limited success. I am hoping that once he starts some medication he will be able to implement what he’s learnt in therapy.

You can’t support a person that can’t even see they’ve got a problem.

Walkingwounded you are not in a happy situation and that’s not fair on you. Now, I don’t know whether your DH is ill or in fact abusive. Either way, he needs to do something to change.

If he won’t or can’t then what will you do?

You can’t support a person that can’t even see they’ve got a problem.

I agree with the above. It must be very hard, if your partner doesn't admit to having a problem and won't do anything to help themselves or to seek help. I might combust from frustration. Anyone dealing with that has my sympathies! Please look after yourselves.

Luckily DH is the opposite. He always takes his meds these days, always sees a GP or his psychiatrist when he needs to. Makes the effort to get out of bed, eat something, wash etc even when it's a struggle, and will do his best with lifestyle things once not in the absolute pits of depression. We can talk quite openly about mental health, including calling each other out on stuff.

He's been off work for nearly four months now, but maybe finally starting to turn a bit of a corner? I'm nervous to get too optimistic, but he said yesterday that when this sick note runs out, he's thinking of asking the GP about a phased return rather than just another sick note. (Cautious pompom waving from me.) He's also been able to be a bit less withdrawn, in that he went out with a mate one day, and has even called his friend for a chat, which he usually never does, so that's great.

Thankyou both. Chorichori you are right I know. He cannot acknowledge he has a problem. It's just so emotionally complicated when there are kids involved.

He is a bit abusive for sure, but hard to say if that is down to the depression or just him.

I am gradually getting my ducks on a row - DCs are starting a new school next Sept and there is no way that can work for our (very rural) location. My plan is to explain that we need to sell a small property we jointly own and buy something new nearer the school ( realise how lucky we are to have this option) to use as a base. Then I can move into it...

Just need to hang in there somehow until sept. It's so hard to be constantly repressing what you actually want to say, isn't it? Posting here seems to help massively, especially when others understand. There seem many of us facing the same issues, though it seems the difference is when DHs recognise their illness and commit to doing their best to get well.

Self-preservation is very important, particularly if there are children in the mix. An earlier poster said something about her husband's mood having a direct affect on her own mood too, and casting a pall over the entire house. That is because the depressive's mood becomes the dominating factor. Hence the feeling of walking on eggshells.

Time away from the depressed person is (in my opinion) absolutely vital. Whether it's for a few hours, a few days, or a holiday away without them. I would do this whenever possible, taking the children with me. It was the only way to keep some kind of perspective and to remind myself that normality still existed.

It was only after instigating the separation that I realised how bad things had become. The relief I felt was instant, although the guilt of it ate me alive.

Just found this thread after losing the last one, and glad to see it exists as an outlet for everyone going through this.

My DH has had depression for what he now thinks is about 2.5 years, it has been severe for a year, and it was diagnosed properly in November. Someone earlier said, probably even cancer is easier to deal with than this, well we got the double whammy of this depression kicking in after he was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer - partly because obviously that is monumentally depressing, and partly because the treatment for this is a hormone suppressant that causes mood changes/depression in itself.

His depression has manifested in what has felt like a complete obsession with me, a large chunk of which is about him being convinced that I have had/am having/will have an affair. I cannot begin to emphasize how much that is not something I would ever do and indeed something I have never considered nor has it crossed my mind in our 14 years together. But his history of his first wife leaving him seems to dominate his feelings and gets projected onto me. He then tries to explain it by saying it's because I talk differently to my friends than I do to him, I live another life at work, I talk about other people etc. etc. etc. and for 8 months I took this as being all my fault and spent a lot of time and energy trying to be "better".

I started seeing a counsellor at the end of last year and now I don't blame myself but I feel a low level anger that there is no understanding for me while all I try to do is be understanding. I am also struggling to deal with his sudden unquenchable need for sex and every time I don't feel like it (because good god what about dealing with all of this is a turn on?) he goes off the deep end that I must be getting it somewhere else/I don't fancy him any more etc. It's a constant walking on eggshells situation, as so many people have said, and I am too afraid to think that we have lost a full year plus to this stupid situation when his lifespan is now almost certainly limited. What a waste.

I feel for all of you dealing with depression, especially those whose OHs won't acknowledge the problem or do anything about it, and those of you with kids which must add a whole new level of complexity.

Maybe you guys would be the best people to help with this. I have recently been diagnosed with depression and prescribed sertraline. In reality, I've probably been depressed for over a year. My DH is wonderful and supportive and has probably had to deal with the implications of this more than I've realised.

I guess my question is, what can I do to minimise the impact on our marriage? What do you wish your partner would do more of? It frustrates him that there's nothing he can do to help.

Nomad86 It sounds as if you have acknowledged the problem and sought help, which is the main step. In doing so you have already minimised the impact on your marriage, because you are not in denial and are aware of the effects on your partner.

I would say, be open. Tell your partner if you are having a bad day; let him in rather than shutting him out. And practise as much self-care as you can, which will help you feel better.

If he sees you are really trying, it will help minimise frustration on his part. And you will be a team trying to fight this . Others will have more ideas, but this would be my thought.

And love between partners/spouses is not unconditional, no matter how much some people might like to think otherwise. There comes a time when the internal dialogue starts shouting "I didn't sign up for this shit"

This sentence here just stuck out for me. You never feel you can say this to people around you, and I love DH but sometimes you think to yourself why am I putting myself/DC through this.

Thank you for starting the thread, I needed this.

I know this is a support thread for supporting partners but I'm just saying a massive well done to you all! You do an incredibly hard job and you should be able to have your own thoughts and feelings and a safe place to vent ♥

My partner supports me and has basically held my life together for when I couldn't and I feel such a burden of guilt it crushes me most days. He says he doesn't mind and he does it because he loves me but every night, if I wake up and he's not in bed, my first thoughts are, he's left because I'm too much and unlovable.

So, really what I am saying is that you all do such an incredible thing for your loved ones but don't sacrifice your happiness because your partner doesn't want that either xx

Oh @troubleintheheartland - the wild accusations and demand for constant reassurance! I'd forgotten about that bit. What a monumental pain the in arse.

And those moments you want to just lose your shit and scream in their face, you selfish self-centred bastard, why don't you just piss off and take your misery with you.

I think I started fantasising about living in a caravan...

How’s everyone doing?

My manager has told me to see my GP and get signed off for stress. I’m not coping so well at work anymore and it’s all getting too much. ☹️

I'm stressed. Lots going on.

But my h had another day at the weekend when he was sitting on the chair not communicating with anyone and generally being in a sulk. He admitted on Monday he was worrying about some things. I told him in no uncertain terms that I cannot cope with him being like this any more. That if he wants me to help he has to let me know and he has to let me help him not get angry when I do. I've also told him he needs to help himself too.

He may have listened and taken it on board. He may not. But I've told him I can't live in radio silence any more. That it affects me and the kids.

I am really sorry you are struggling ChoriChori and Huntleybye. The effects of depression on partners are awful, and all the focus is on the depressed person, not those supporting them.

Here things are...okay. DH is going through a better period, which is part of the problem in a way - when he is doing better all seems fine and I decide not to leave: then he goes down again and it is awful.

I am keeping plans in place: viewings on our little flat end next week. Fingers and toes crossed for an offer. Saw a mortgage adviser and think I can go it alone if need be.

I hope you can take time off work chorichori - and that both your DHs can recognise the effects of their depression on you. That seems half the battle.