First, please don't flame me, I know that I am a poor excuse for a parent and certainly don't deserve my child. I have never been able to judge how much information to put in the OP either, I will put too much and people don't read because it's too long, or I try and keep it short and get told I'm drip feeding and it should have been included in the OP. I'm not even sure why I'm posting at all as I have found MN advice less than helpful in the past. I have previously asked for advice on poor weight gain in DS (he had dropped to below the 0.2 percentile) and was told to not have him weighed, don't see the HV it's not compulsory etc..Even though I had said that DS was under an Early Intervention HV. The other time I have asked for advice was to stop co-sleeping as I didn't want to any more and was told that it was currently best for DS, it's only a short time, he would develop better having a less stressful bedtime and feeling safe and secure. I guess that I don't have high hopes for this either.
A lot of this is me trying to vent, about everything. I can't do this anymore. Any of it. I feel that DS would be much better off without me, I am a fucking awful parent. I want out. I am a poor wife, neither my DS or DH are gaining anything from me being around. I guess this is the end of an awful week, but how much can I really blame the week itself and not take the responsibility for it myself as the root cause?
Sunday 17th: I wanted to take DS to a large local park, take him on the miniature railway, feed the ducks, let him run and be free burn some energy off. I changed his pull up, and tried to put his trousers on, I got kicked in the face and my glasses thrown across the room. I tried again, I got slapped. I tried again, the pull up came off. I tried to put the pull up on, I had feet pushed in my neck. I tried to put the pull up on, I had my hair pulled, was kicked and glasses thrown. I stood up and called him a cunt, and I wished he wasn't here. I shut myself on the balcony in my underwear to calm down. Rinse and repeat trying to dress DS and getting hit/kicked/hair pulled all day. DS spent around an hour not naked and I mopped up pee all day. We did not go out.
Monday 18th: I walked with DS in the pushchair to the Southbank Centre, and wanted to get some lunch before arriving. I headed towards the McDonald's at County hall to find it was no longer there. DS getting hungrier and confused now. Walked to McDonald's in Waterloo station, ordered food and looked for somewhere to sit, no seats so decided DS could eat in the pushchair, went just outside the restaurant, served DS food and it was thrown all over the floor. I went inside and asked for a dustpan and brush, I was told someone would come. I went back outside where I had left my bag of food on the floor, and found that DS food had been trodden in, so i scrabbled about to clean it up. McDonald's worker comes out, takes the ruined meal and offers to replace it. I refuse on the basis that it is not their fault it was ruined. I offer DS my meal and that gets thrown on the floor too. I cry and clean it up. McDonald's worker comes back with a new happy meal, I ask her to take it back as it's not the restaurant's fault. Someone asks if I'm ok, as it seems today is a bad day. I growl that this is every fucking day, not a bad day. I feel embarrassed and go outside the station. Cry and feel like jumping in front of a bus, wonder if it will hurt. I consider just going to the Royal Festival Hall but that's not fair to withhold a meal, so I queue again to re-buy the food. I ask for the same meals but without the drinks. I'm told that a happy meal needs a drink, I say I realise that but that we have drinks already, the food got wasted. I ask if I can leave the drink on the counter. The cashier says that they won't charge me. I ask to pay as it's not their fault. The worker says if it was in the restaurant they will replace. I gesture that it was outside the restaurant and end up hitting a man in the face. I cry and apologise. I explain to the cashier that DS normally eats at a table after ordering, I changed that and so the food was wasted. They try and put extra's in instead of the drinks, I refuse and say that this is what DLA is for. The food comes and all the tables are still full. I wait at the tables for someone to finish. The same worker starts asking if people are waiting for food and if they could vacate the table. I ask her not too as the other people were there first and that we will wait. DS gets restless and I reassure him that we will sit down soon. The worker explains to a group of ladies and they start to vacate the table, I ask, beg them not to, and that they should finish their meal. They say not to worry, I say it's not fair on them. They vacate the table and I notice DS has fallen asleep so I no longer need the table. They tell me to sit down and eat something, I leave the McDonald's and sit on the floor near the taxi rank to eat, crying into my food, I ponder how absurd it is that I have spent £15 for me to eat a Mcdonald's burger. I start to head to the RFH and DS wakes, I give him his cold chicken nuggets to eat and am ashamed and embarrassed to find that he has been given 6 nuggets instead of 4.
At the RFH we see the end of Mary Poppins on stage then head to the giant chalkboard. He doesn't draw and instead stims and flaps running over the board. He sees a family having a snack and heads over, I direct him away. He returns to them and as I get there he is being told no, not yours, not your snack, stop, give it back, stop, stop. I grab him, say he's autistic. As I grab him the snack ends up on the floor. I take him away as he kicks and tries to pull my hair. I find a £1 coin and drop it next to the family and tell them to buy more. DS is wriggling and trying to play on the chalkboard again, I wrestle him up the stairs and dump him on the floor, he rages and hits his head on the floor. Everybody looks and I see the judgement in their faces. I am a truly awful person.
Tuesday 19th: We go to a city farm. DS gets very excited with the grass nut dispenser and asks for coins so the he can turn the handle. Another family uses the dispenser and DS runs to use the handle. He is firmly told no, leave it, not yours, stop by the family. DS gets upset, I carry him away
Thursday 21st: I take DS to a children's zoo while babysitting another child and with a friend and her DC. It goes well until the play area. I lose both DC, I find them, DS takes the fire fighter helmet from another child, I explain to him we need to share, I explain to the child's father that DS has autism and delayed speech and language. I lose the babysat DC again, I take DS to find her. I lose DS , friend messages me to say she has him. I explain to babysat child that we all need to stay together to not get lost. I head over to friend, find DS who is wandering around the fire engine. Babysat DC starts to wander off again to another play area, I ask her to stay with me and DS, I cant see DS. I hear a woman screaming "Get off my baby, get him off, he's scratching my baby" On and on. I get DS, drag him away and tell him we have to share, he lunges towards the child again, woman screams at us. I say that he has the development of a 12 month old. (Slight lie, its been assessed at 16 months). She shouts that she doesn't care what his mental age is he's scratching her DS and I should be watching him. I realise that I cant see babysat DC and say that I've lost my 2 year old. I grab DS and he throws my glasses, I forcefully put him in his pushchair, he tries to get out, i put him back and shout at him. Babysat DC is found and I shout at her. I feel inadequate, humiliated and need to get out of there. I shout at everyone trying to help. I grab DC and DS and run. My friend asks me to slow down and calm down. I shout that I am going home, she hands me my glasses. I rush both DC out of the park and get on the bus that has just pulled in. Both DC fall asleep on the bus. I cry to myself all the way home. I want to hurt myself, plan to buy tablets and take them all. I swear to never take DS out on a trip again. 3 day outs in half term, 3 disasters. I deserve to be alone and isolated. DS can mix with his peers at nursery. Any park trips will need to be in the dark or when nobody else is there. I shall only leave the house with DS now to do quick shopping trips and to nursery.
Today: I cancelled a trip to the park with babysat child and her DM today because I can't ruin another day. If we don't mix with other people it will all be fine, no other family will be upset. I'm going to cancel our September holiday as it will be a disaster, not fair on all the other families that have paid good money to be there.
I know that I'm fucking stupid, a bitch, don't deserve a child let alone a disabled one. A terrible excuse for a human, let alone a parent. Which is why I'm going to contact social services and have him adopted away. It's not fair on him to be around me. He deserves so much more than I can ever start to give him