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Shoot me now

35 replies

Fuckwitahoy · 22/02/2019 12:47

First, please don't flame me, I know that I am a poor excuse for a parent and certainly don't deserve my child. I have never been able to judge how much information to put in the OP either, I will put too much and people don't read because it's too long, or I try and keep it short and get told I'm drip feeding and it should have been included in the OP. I'm not even sure why I'm posting at all as I have found MN advice less than helpful in the past. I have previously asked for advice on poor weight gain in DS (he had dropped to below the 0.2 percentile) and was told to not have him weighed, don't see the HV it's not compulsory etc..Even though I had said that DS was under an Early Intervention HV. The other time I have asked for advice was to stop co-sleeping as I didn't want to any more and was told that it was currently best for DS, it's only a short time, he would develop better having a less stressful bedtime and feeling safe and secure. I guess that I don't have high hopes for this either.

A lot of this is me trying to vent, about everything. I can't do this anymore. Any of it. I feel that DS would be much better off without me, I am a fucking awful parent. I want out. I am a poor wife, neither my DS or DH are gaining anything from me being around. I guess this is the end of an awful week, but how much can I really blame the week itself and not take the responsibility for it myself as the root cause?

Sunday 17th: I wanted to take DS to a large local park, take him on the miniature railway, feed the ducks, let him run and be free burn some energy off. I changed his pull up, and tried to put his trousers on, I got kicked in the face and my glasses thrown across the room. I tried again, I got slapped. I tried again, the pull up came off. I tried to put the pull up on, I had feet pushed in my neck. I tried to put the pull up on, I had my hair pulled, was kicked and glasses thrown. I stood up and called him a cunt, and I wished he wasn't here. I shut myself on the balcony in my underwear to calm down. Rinse and repeat trying to dress DS and getting hit/kicked/hair pulled all day. DS spent around an hour not naked and I mopped up pee all day. We did not go out.

Monday 18th: I walked with DS in the pushchair to the Southbank Centre, and wanted to get some lunch before arriving. I headed towards the McDonald's at County hall to find it was no longer there. DS getting hungrier and confused now. Walked to McDonald's in Waterloo station, ordered food and looked for somewhere to sit, no seats so decided DS could eat in the pushchair, went just outside the restaurant, served DS food and it was thrown all over the floor. I went inside and asked for a dustpan and brush, I was told someone would come. I went back outside where I had left my bag of food on the floor, and found that DS food had been trodden in, so i scrabbled about to clean it up. McDonald's worker comes out, takes the ruined meal and offers to replace it. I refuse on the basis that it is not their fault it was ruined. I offer DS my meal and that gets thrown on the floor too. I cry and clean it up. McDonald's worker comes back with a new happy meal, I ask her to take it back as it's not the restaurant's fault. Someone asks if I'm ok, as it seems today is a bad day. I growl that this is every fucking day, not a bad day. I feel embarrassed and go outside the station. Cry and feel like jumping in front of a bus, wonder if it will hurt. I consider just going to the Royal Festival Hall but that's not fair to withhold a meal, so I queue again to re-buy the food. I ask for the same meals but without the drinks. I'm told that a happy meal needs a drink, I say I realise that but that we have drinks already, the food got wasted. I ask if I can leave the drink on the counter. The cashier says that they won't charge me. I ask to pay as it's not their fault. The worker says if it was in the restaurant they will replace. I gesture that it was outside the restaurant and end up hitting a man in the face. I cry and apologise. I explain to the cashier that DS normally eats at a table after ordering, I changed that and so the food was wasted. They try and put extra's in instead of the drinks, I refuse and say that this is what DLA is for. The food comes and all the tables are still full. I wait at the tables for someone to finish. The same worker starts asking if people are waiting for food and if they could vacate the table. I ask her not too as the other people were there first and that we will wait. DS gets restless and I reassure him that we will sit down soon. The worker explains to a group of ladies and they start to vacate the table, I ask, beg them not to, and that they should finish their meal. They say not to worry, I say it's not fair on them. They vacate the table and I notice DS has fallen asleep so I no longer need the table. They tell me to sit down and eat something, I leave the McDonald's and sit on the floor near the taxi rank to eat, crying into my food, I ponder how absurd it is that I have spent £15 for me to eat a Mcdonald's burger. I start to head to the RFH and DS wakes, I give him his cold chicken nuggets to eat and am ashamed and embarrassed to find that he has been given 6 nuggets instead of 4.
At the RFH we see the end of Mary Poppins on stage then head to the giant chalkboard. He doesn't draw and instead stims and flaps running over the board. He sees a family having a snack and heads over, I direct him away. He returns to them and as I get there he is being told no, not yours, not your snack, stop, give it back, stop, stop. I grab him, say he's autistic. As I grab him the snack ends up on the floor. I take him away as he kicks and tries to pull my hair. I find a £1 coin and drop it next to the family and tell them to buy more. DS is wriggling and trying to play on the chalkboard again, I wrestle him up the stairs and dump him on the floor, he rages and hits his head on the floor. Everybody looks and I see the judgement in their faces. I am a truly awful person.

Tuesday 19th: We go to a city farm. DS gets very excited with the grass nut dispenser and asks for coins so the he can turn the handle. Another family uses the dispenser and DS runs to use the handle. He is firmly told no, leave it, not yours, stop by the family. DS gets upset, I carry him away

Thursday 21st: I take DS to a children's zoo while babysitting another child and with a friend and her DC. It goes well until the play area. I lose both DC, I find them, DS takes the fire fighter helmet from another child, I explain to him we need to share, I explain to the child's father that DS has autism and delayed speech and language. I lose the babysat DC again, I take DS to find her. I lose DS , friend messages me to say she has him. I explain to babysat child that we all need to stay together to not get lost. I head over to friend, find DS who is wandering around the fire engine. Babysat DC starts to wander off again to another play area, I ask her to stay with me and DS, I cant see DS. I hear a woman screaming "Get off my baby, get him off, he's scratching my baby" On and on. I get DS, drag him away and tell him we have to share, he lunges towards the child again, woman screams at us. I say that he has the development of a 12 month old. (Slight lie, its been assessed at 16 months). She shouts that she doesn't care what his mental age is he's scratching her DS and I should be watching him. I realise that I cant see babysat DC and say that I've lost my 2 year old. I grab DS and he throws my glasses, I forcefully put him in his pushchair, he tries to get out, i put him back and shout at him. Babysat DC is found and I shout at her. I feel inadequate, humiliated and need to get out of there. I shout at everyone trying to help. I grab DC and DS and run. My friend asks me to slow down and calm down. I shout that I am going home, she hands me my glasses. I rush both DC out of the park and get on the bus that has just pulled in. Both DC fall asleep on the bus. I cry to myself all the way home. I want to hurt myself, plan to buy tablets and take them all. I swear to never take DS out on a trip again. 3 day outs in half term, 3 disasters. I deserve to be alone and isolated. DS can mix with his peers at nursery. Any park trips will need to be in the dark or when nobody else is there. I shall only leave the house with DS now to do quick shopping trips and to nursery.

Today: I cancelled a trip to the park with babysat child and her DM today because I can't ruin another day. If we don't mix with other people it will all be fine, no other family will be upset. I'm going to cancel our September holiday as it will be a disaster, not fair on all the other families that have paid good money to be there.

I know that I'm fucking stupid, a bitch, don't deserve a child let alone a disabled one. A terrible excuse for a human, let alone a parent. Which is why I'm going to contact social services and have him adopted away. It's not fair on him to be around me. He deserves so much more than I can ever start to give him

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 22/02/2019 12:56

Nothing you have said here suggests you are a bad mum.

Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel? You need help and support. It sounds like you have difficulty accepting help and support. You don't need to do this alone.

You are spiralling but there is a way out. I don't have experience of an autistic child but I hope someone will come along with more knowledge than me.

Doyoumind · 22/02/2019 12:57

You must visit your GP in the first instance and discuss your MH.

LovingLola · 22/02/2019 13:00

Where is your husband in all of this?

sugarbum · 22/02/2019 13:06

You poor thing. You are completely overwhelmed by it all, but I'm not reading anything here suggesting a bad parent. Quite the opposite in fact.
What I'm reading about is someone who is anxious, overthinking, and getting their priorities mixed up because of those things. You are panicking and overreacting and refusing the help offered to you when you need to accept it.
What you need is help. Support. Print out what you wrote here. Show it to your GP. I'd say urgently.

looondonn · 22/02/2019 13:08

Sounds like you are doing good considering all of this

My gosh it is so hard
Especially in a busy city

Who is helping you
Please reach out

Please keep posting on here

Naomi16 · 22/02/2019 13:13

Please don’t feel like your alone and that nobody knows what your going thru. You need to speak to your doctor your not a bad mum. Motherhood is hard I have a 2 year old and an 8 month old from day to day it is a struggle I can get very emotional especially when I am tired... I feel your frustration but your son loves you and most of the things they do is just to test you and see how far they can go. Maybe you need a day away on your own or maybe just a few hours get a really long bath and have a bit of you time. IT WILL GET BETTER

WellThisIsShit · 22/02/2019 13:17

Yup, like other posters are saying, nothing here suggests a bad parent, just one stretched to desperation point. I agree that you aren’t accepting help for some reason and that’s making life a lot harder for you. Perhaps you are getting too wound up to be able to make choices in the moment, and choosing help is just too hard mentally for you for some reason?

I think you desperately need help. Proper help I mean, longer term than kind people in restaurants etc.

You need a break. Before you have a breakdown. Flowers

VimFuego101 · 22/02/2019 13:20

This sounds really tough. You are not a terrible parent. Whose child are you babysitting, is that something you feel obliged to do? Can you get out of it? Is your husband working long hours that means he can't help/ give you a break?

Luckingfovely · 22/02/2019 13:27

Oh you poor thing. It sounds impossibly hard and stressful. Please stop blaming yourself. None of this is your fault, it's just horribly hard, and I'm quite certain I would cope worse than you.

I do think you sound like you need outside help. The pressure is clearly getting to you - and no wonder.

I think the suggestion of taking your post to your gp so that they can see what is going on is sensible. Your mental health sound like it is taking a terrible battering and you need more help than you are currently getting.

Does your DH know how hard you are finding it all?

purpleelk · 22/02/2019 13:28

Get the idea of social services out of your head now, even as a fantasy. Your children have two parents and you cannot contact or make any decisions on behalf of the other parent. So when you need to vent and imagine walking away, stop talking about giving your kids to social services and replace with “I’m going to divorce my husband and I don’t want custody of the children.”

BotherationBuggeration · 22/02/2019 13:36

Do you also have an autism diagnosis? Have you read about how autism presents in adult women?

QuirkyQuark · 22/02/2019 13:39

You're not a bad parent.
You're a parent with an autistic child who is struggling and you're not alone. Lots of us mums of autistic children have been exactly where you are now.

Please see your Gp as a starting point to get help. I'm on citalopram because I just couldn't cope without support with my ds anymore.
Maybe give the NAS a ringand talk it through with people who understand.

Fuckwitahoy · 22/02/2019 14:11

I can't reply properly right now because all of your replies are making me cry again. My DH has autism, depression and is finding life hard at the moment, I have to write lists for him of stuff to do at home, or it doesn't get done (stuff like washing up, doing a load of washing, emptying the kitchen bin) when I'm at work. I feel like a complete failure needing to go to the GP. I have just come off anti-depressants after 3.5 years for PND. (Is it even PND 3.5 years after the fact?)

purpleelk, that has also been an acceptable thought. I would transfer my wage minus around £300 a month to my husband so that he and DS could continue living where we are and all bills be taken care of. I would continue looking after DS when not working so that DH could work.

I have wondered previously if I have autism and have tried to talk to DH about it but it was dismissed as impossible, I cope and hold things together so why would I?

OP posts:
sugarbum · 22/02/2019 14:17

No No No. You are NOT a failure. You are looking after the needs of two human beings but you need someone to help YOU. And autism is a spectrum. It presents differently in men and women and in different people for that matter. Your DH is no expert on this, whether he is on the spectrum or not. You are both finding life hard, not just him, but you are the one holding everything together. Again, please go back to the GP and show them this.

eurochick · 22/02/2019 14:18

That sounds awful.

Please don't add to your burden by babysitting other children. Honestly, you have enough on your plate without bringing additional children in to add to your stress levels.

scotlandg · 22/02/2019 14:35

Hello,

It will get better but I know it's incredibly hard. Have you tried getting help from portage? They are brilliant. Hugs. You sound like a great mum.

QuirkyQuark · 22/02/2019 14:44

If you've just come offADs then maybe you came off too quickly?

There's absolutely no shame in staying on anti depressants long term, parenting an autistic child can be very hard and isolating.

Have you got an ehcp for him? If not then apply for one.

I agree with pp, don't babysit other kids. I was probably seen as an awful mother but I didn't look after other people's kids because mine was more than enough to cope with.

Finally, have you googled local autistic services? Near me we have a service which offers days out or sessions purely for autustic kids. It's a great way to get your child involved and a small break for you. Don't try to go it alone all the time.

LunarPhase · 22/02/2019 14:56

Goodness OP you sound so overwhelmed. Parenting is hard enough without all the additional challenges that you face and it sounds like you are trying your absolute best in the face of an impossible situation.

I took my kids trampolining a few days ago and the session after ours was especially for children with SEN. Where it had been packed and manic in our session it completely emptied out and was lovely and calm and quiet. Would it be possible to try and go to things that are set up for children who find lots of noise and chaos difficult? There are also cinema screenings for children with autism at my local cinema which again is set up to be quieter and less chaotic.

Blueuggboots · 22/02/2019 15:08

You're not a bad mum at all, in fact, your post is full of care, thoughtfulness and completely understandably, frustration.
Please get some support. You're doing your best and you're trying so hard.
I'm sorry life right now looks so bleak for you. We are here to listen. Please don't hurt yourself. ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

SugarMiceInTheRain · 22/02/2019 15:16

My eldest has high functioning autism and I remember so many days like the ones you describe with him as a toddler, which got worse when his younger brother came along. I felt much the same as you. Please reach out for help - there are lots of organisations who can help. Home Start may be able to send a volunteer to spend a couple of hours with you once or twice a week. They could go on outings with you, making it much easier, or just sit and listen, or play with your DS at home. There will be other, local organisations which specifically support parents of children with autism. It makes a big difference knowing you're not alone in your struggles.

Trust me, you are a great mum.

Toooldtobearsed2 · 22/02/2019 15:17

Oh lord, you soind so overwhelmed, and i am not surprised with all you need to cope with.
I will be as much use to you as a chocolate teapot I am afraid, all I will say is: stop trying to be superwoman! Accept that people genuinely want to help.
The MacDonalds episode stressed you out to breaking point, but if you just accept the offers of help/food etc when offered, you would be less stressed and outsiders who only want to help get a warm glow too. Try to accept any help offered- people dont offer if they dont mean it, honestly!

Take care of yourself first. Sounds like everything around you would crumble without you, so grab any offers of help and look after yourself.

Oh, and you are caterogically NOT a shit mum. If you were, you simply wouldnt give a toss!

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 22/02/2019 15:44

I’d say it sounds like you could well be autistic as it presents very differently in women. Go and see your GP urgently and read them out what you’ve written here. Good luck.

Threewheeler1 · 22/02/2019 16:01

Oh OP, that sounds unbelievably hard. We can hear how distressed you are Flowers (and a hug).
You are not a bad Mum, not at all- sounds like the absolute opposite, that you are a loving, caring and sensitive Mum who doesn't have a shoulder to lean on. You're under pressure from all sides and it sounds absolutely relentless. You don't have anyone to look after you and you're busy taking care of the other two people in your life.
My main concern for you is that you have support for your own needs and I'd be inclined to head back to the GP. Explain how much stress you are under. And yes, PND can last a very long time, especially if life circumstances get tougher after the birth Flowers

MummatoaMunchkin · 22/02/2019 16:39

Oh op my heart broke for you reading that!

Your not a bad parent at all!
I struggle with my toddler having tantrums and being a handful, we havent been into town for ages because i just cant face it! And i dont have the added stress of autism to deal with.
You are doing so well, dont put yourself down!

I dont have any practical advice but you would be surprised, when you think people are judging chances are they arnt and are sympathising.

picklemepopcorn · 22/02/2019 17:24

Pps are right, I won't repeat what they said.
How old is DS?

Practically, there are things you can do to make life easier.

For example, don't give him all of his food, pass him a little at a time.

Don't fight against the inevitable. If he isn't in a cooperative mood, then don't go out unless you have to.

Get PJs that look like clothes and vice versa. It doesn't matter what he is wearing when he goes out. He could sleep in smart PJs, get up and have a nappy change and go out. Clean clothes at bath time, or when he's cooperative or when his Dad is there to help.

It's not you! Anyone would struggle! Please don't blame yourself.