Shoot me now

[Fuckwitahoy]

First, please don't flame me, I know that I am a poor excuse for a parent and certainly don't deserve my child. I have never been able to judge how much information to put in the OP either, I will put too much and people don't read because it's too long, or I try and keep it short and get told I'm drip feeding and it should have been included in the OP. I'm not even sure why I'm posting at all as I have found MN advice less than helpful in the past. I have previously asked for advice on poor weight gain in DS (he had dropped to below the 0.2 percentile) and was told to not have him weighed, don't see the HV it's not compulsory etc..Even though I had said that DS was under an Early Intervention HV. The other time I have asked for advice was to stop co-sleeping as I didn't want to any more and was told that it was currently best for DS, it's only a short time, he would develop better having a less stressful bedtime and feeling safe and secure. I guess that I don't have high hopes for this either.

A lot of this is me trying to vent, about everything. I can't do this anymore. Any of it. I feel that DS would be much better off without me, I am a fucking awful parent. I want out. I am a poor wife, neither my DS or DH are gaining anything from me being around. I guess this is the end of an awful week, but how much can I really blame the week itself and not take the responsibility for it myself as the root cause?

Sunday 17th: I wanted to take DS to a large local park, take him on the miniature railway, feed the ducks, let him run and be free burn some energy off. I changed his pull up, and tried to put his trousers on, I got kicked in the face and my glasses thrown across the room. I tried again, I got slapped. I tried again, the pull up came off. I tried to put the pull up on, I had feet pushed in my neck. I tried to put the pull up on, I had my hair pulled, was kicked and glasses thrown. I stood up and called him a cunt, and I wished he wasn't here. I shut myself on the balcony in my underwear to calm down. Rinse and repeat trying to dress DS and getting hit/kicked/hair pulled all day. DS spent around an hour not naked and I mopped up pee all day. We did not go out.

Monday 18th: I walked with DS in the pushchair to the Southbank Centre, and wanted to get some lunch before arriving. I headed towards the McDonald's at County hall to find it was no longer there. DS getting hungrier and confused now. Walked to McDonald's in Waterloo station, ordered food and looked for somewhere to sit, no seats so decided DS could eat in the pushchair, went just outside the restaurant, served DS food and it was thrown all over the floor. I went inside and asked for a dustpan and brush, I was told someone would come. I went back outside where I had left my bag of food on the floor, and found that DS food had been trodden in, so i scrabbled about to clean it up. McDonald's worker comes out, takes the ruined meal and offers to replace it. I refuse on the basis that it is not their fault it was ruined. I offer DS my meal and that gets thrown on the floor too. I cry and clean it up. McDonald's worker comes back with a new happy meal, I ask her to take it back as it's not the restaurant's fault. Someone asks if I'm ok, as it seems today is a bad day. I growl that this is every fucking day, not a bad day. I feel embarrassed and go outside the station. Cry and feel like jumping in front of a bus, wonder if it will hurt. I consider just going to the Royal Festival Hall but that's not fair to withhold a meal, so I queue again to re-buy the food. I ask for the same meals but without the drinks. I'm told that a happy meal needs a drink, I say I realise that but that we have drinks already, the food got wasted. I ask if I can leave the drink on the counter. The cashier says that they won't charge me. I ask to pay as it's not their fault. The worker says if it was in the restaurant they will replace. I gesture that it was outside the restaurant and end up hitting a man in the face. I cry and apologise. I explain to the cashier that DS normally eats at a table after ordering, I changed that and so the food was wasted. They try and put extra's in instead of the drinks, I refuse and say that this is what DLA is for. The food comes and all the tables are still full. I wait at the tables for someone to finish. The same worker starts asking if people are waiting for food and if they could vacate the table. I ask her not too as the other people were there first and that we will wait. DS gets restless and I reassure him that we will sit down soon. The worker explains to a group of ladies and they start to vacate the table, I ask, beg them not to, and that they should finish their meal. They say not to worry, I say it's not fair on them. They vacate the table and I notice DS has fallen asleep so I no longer need the table. They tell me to sit down and eat something, I leave the McDonald's and sit on the floor near the taxi rank to eat, crying into my food, I ponder how absurd it is that I have spent £15 for me to eat a Mcdonald's burger. I start to head to the RFH and DS wakes, I give him his cold chicken nuggets to eat and am ashamed and embarrassed to find that he has been given 6 nuggets instead of 4.
At the RFH we see the end of Mary Poppins on stage then head to the giant chalkboard. He doesn't draw and instead stims and flaps running over the board. He sees a family having a snack and heads over, I direct him away. He returns to them and as I get there he is being told no, not yours, not your snack, stop, give it back, stop, stop. I grab him, say he's autistic. As I grab him the snack ends up on the floor. I take him away as he kicks and tries to pull my hair. I find a £1 coin and drop it next to the family and tell them to buy more. DS is wriggling and trying to play on the chalkboard again, I wrestle him up the stairs and dump him on the floor, he rages and hits his head on the floor. Everybody looks and I see the judgement in their faces. I am a truly awful person.

Tuesday 19th: We go to a city farm. DS gets very excited with the grass nut dispenser and asks for coins so the he can turn the handle. Another family uses the dispenser and DS runs to use the handle. He is firmly told no, leave it, not yours, stop by the family. DS gets upset, I carry him away

Thursday 21st: I take DS to a children's zoo while babysitting another child and with a friend and her DC. It goes well until the play area. I lose both DC, I find them, DS takes the fire fighter helmet from another child, I explain to him we need to share, I explain to the child's father that DS has autism and delayed speech and language. I lose the babysat DC again, I take DS to find her. I lose DS , friend messages me to say she has him. I explain to babysat child that we all need to stay together to not get lost. I head over to friend, find DS who is wandering around the fire engine. Babysat DC starts to wander off again to another play area, I ask her to stay with me and DS, I cant see DS. I hear a woman screaming "Get off my baby, get him off, he's scratching my baby" On and on. I get DS, drag him away and tell him we have to share, he lunges towards the child again, woman screams at us. I say that he has the development of a 12 month old. (Slight lie, its been assessed at 16 months). She shouts that she doesn't care what his mental age is he's scratching her DS and I should be watching him. I realise that I cant see babysat DC and say that I've lost my 2 year old. I grab DS and he throws my glasses, I forcefully put him in his pushchair, he tries to get out, i put him back and shout at him. Babysat DC is found and I shout at her. I feel inadequate, humiliated and need to get out of there. I shout at everyone trying to help. I grab DC and DS and run. My friend asks me to slow down and calm down. I shout that I am going home, she hands me my glasses. I rush both DC out of the park and get on the bus that has just pulled in. Both DC fall asleep on the bus. I cry to myself all the way home. I want to hurt myself, plan to buy tablets and take them all. I swear to never take DS out on a trip again. 3 day outs in half term, 3 disasters. I deserve to be alone and isolated. DS can mix with his peers at nursery. Any park trips will need to be in the dark or when nobody else is there. I shall only leave the house with DS now to do quick shopping trips and to nursery.

Today: I cancelled a trip to the park with babysat child and her DM today because I can't ruin another day. If we don't mix with other people it will all be fine, no other family will be upset. I'm going to cancel our September holiday as it will be a disaster, not fair on all the other families that have paid good money to be there.

I know that I'm fucking stupid, a bitch, don't deserve a child let alone a disabled one. A terrible excuse for a human, let alone a parent. Which is why I'm going to contact social services and have him adopted away. It's not fair on him to be around me. He deserves so much more than I can ever start to give him

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to our Mental Health section shortly.

A lot of autistic women cope and hold things together, it’s a woman thing! It would be well worth some time reading about women with autism, and then rather than talking to your husband (who sounds like he’s not sympathetic to the idea?) maybe talking to a kind GP or a counsellor? Even if you don’t seek a diagnosis, it may help to understand yourself better, and what coping strategies you need yourself, in addition to providing them for others as you are now. If you read about it and can rule it out, you’ve lost nothing.

Thank you all for your replies, if I miss anything someone has said I apologise. I'm far more of a lurker than a poster.

DS is 3.5 (4 in June), largely non verbal, although is starting to label objects and said his first 4 words together last week (oh no, not again). Only just starting to make marks on paper, and has very early pretend play. We have been known to take him to nursery in his pajamas with day clothes in his bag, just to get him there. Often bathtime is DS walking into the bathroom, grabbing the towel and coming back out.

It took 4 months to come off the anti-depressant as guided by my GP as it is incompatible with TTC. Right now the thought of having a second child, why would I inflict that on DS.

I have looked into autism specific cinema screenings but the ones local to us tend to only show episodes of postman pat, and not proper films. It seems a waste to pay £20 to watch TV in an autistic friendly environment, when I can do that at home. Other autism friendly events tend to happen when I'm working, and DH wont take DS to them initially alone. I will look into porterage. Nursery are just about ready to send off for an ehcp, and I have asked the LA to defer reception entry until next year. DS currently has 7 hours of nursery a week, all with 1:1. He does not stay for lunch or take part in any carpet time.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, it means a lot.

Gosh, you sound like a different woman this morning! You're really on the ball and on track with it.

I won't lie- it's a hard slog and you'll feel angry and despairing a lot of the time. You'll start to get some support, some more strategies, and things will get better. Most importantly- no one could do it better! It really is just that tough.

I feel like a different woman today. I feel like I can cope today, and sure DS had a couple of meltdowns when out as I wouldn't let him stand in the pushchair on the bus and rest his head against the window ( he likes the vibrations). I know its a hard slog and I know that each day and each part of each day is going to be completely different, that's just how it works.

I have had depression on and off for 20 years now, I know how it goes. When I fall I fall so hard and deep into it, that it's hard to see a way out. It's also so bloody easy to fall into that way of thinking when I have a harder than usual day, or week

@Fuckwitahoy
I'm in a very similar situation as you and can totally relate to how bad the bad days can get. Sometimes it feels like you are sinking in a pit and struggling to get air.
I have a 3.5 year old dd with asd, awaiting formal diagnosis. Her rigid behaviour and meltdowns really affect us all so much.
I also have an older ds with asd who is a teenager now. I remember how hard it was when he was this age and honestly felt like I couldn't cope some days. It really does get so much easier as they get older :)
Also wanted to echo what other posters say about the possibility of being on the spectrum yourself. I am, and also awaiting my formal diagnosis. It's only on this last 6 months or so that I've finally decided to stop fighting all the time to conform to normality if that makes sense.
I have stopped pushing myself so hard and decided that my limits are actually okay. I am now adapting life more to suit us all. I use to try and be like others all the time.
I hope you feel much better now and get all the help and support you need.
Also we had a year of portage and it was the best thing for my dd, it brought her communication on so much.

As a depression veteran, I find it helps me to tell myself that this feeling is just a chemical blip, and will go. A bit like wearing a blindfold- it is light, you just can't see it. It's tough because you can't take the blindfold off, but it will come off at some point.

I can see that doesn't really make sense, but it works for me!

I don't know where to start OP. I could have written your whole post when my dd was younger. She is autistic and has complex needs. I am also autistic and have a chronic illness and mental heath conditions.
First off when you are out with your ds and he acts out taking things from other kids or hurting them, the other parents do not give a shit that your kid is autistic the only care that their child is hurt. If you cannot supervise him properly for whatever reason then don't take him out. It just puts more pressure on you that frankly you don't need. Also make sure that if he acts inappropriately you still tell him off. Autism isn't an excuse for poor behaviour and it will make you feel more in control. Eg when my dd was little she would snatch things. I would tell the parent "I'm sorry she's autistic and doesn't understand" then I would turn to my dd and say"don't do that it's very wrong".
Secondly if people offer help, just accept it. In MacDonald's you're right, it wasn't their fault but frankly they were happy to help so don't martyr yourself. Let yourself off the hook and take the help. Sit down, eat the replacement food and just say thanks. People are allowed to be kind to you, you know.
It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself in a very complicated situation. I was just the same. I felt like I didn't deserve my child, I even told her social worker she should take her away. Thankfully she realised I was just struggling and didn't remove her, because I adore her and we are great now.
Be firm with your son, recognise and accept your own limitations (I found this very hard), get to the go and request a mental health referral, an autism assessment and if you don't have one, a social work referral.

OP, it sounds like you have your hands full with one child. Why are you you TTC? the stress is only going to get worse, no one says having two lots of washing, tantrums and sleepless nights is easier.

@MumUnderTheMoon please don't assume that I don't correct DS or tell him off, I do, but in very simple language that he will understand. There is literally no point in me saying "DS, don't do that, it's very naughty, stop it" because he is currently unable to understand/process that. Instead I will say " DS stop, gentle. DS boy/girl sad. DS sharing please". I know that this does not look like a telling off but it's what usually works, within his understanding. What doesn't help is another parent screaming at him and shouting, that will only scare and panic DS.

As for not being able to supervise him properly, where do you draw the line? Is DS wanting to help scan items in the supermarket not supervising him properly? Is DS running about in a playground and me not being an inch away to intervene not supervising him properly? Is DS wanting to rest his head on the bus window and kneel on the seat, looking at cars supervising him properly? Would you say it's better that I never take him out of the house, just in case? Withdraw him from nursery as I'm not supervising him there? What about when I pay for items in shops? Taking my eye off him for a second while I open my purse?
Yesterday we had a small walk to top up the electric meter, DS held my hand the entire way, should I have not done that just in case?

I also like how you assume I didn't talk to my GP at length about why I was coming off medication, in fact the GP suggested coming off entirely. I was happy to switch to a different type.

@MrsTumbletap the last week was extraordinarily hard for whatever reason, there will be hard times like that regardless of how many children I have. DS did not sleep through until 3.3, I have not forgotten what they are like. Maybe I was trying to do too much during half term, to take advantage of the normal activities like every other family is able to enjoy. It's likely that DS just needed the time to decompress, and as my annual leave coincided for once, I wasn't listening to what he was telling me. Would you advise every family with a difficult first born to never have more children?