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Mental health

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Original poster

To be heartbroken by this..

26 replies

littlebrokenme · 18/02/2019 18:17

I say heartbroken but that's an understatement.
My Ex and I have three DC together and I stood up as a mother figure in his DDs life (her biological mum isn't around but that's a whole new story)
Even though we're no longer together we have always maintained really close, I would give anything to be with him because to me his the love of my life. I also understood that we were no longer together so I've always been grateful since our split for the friendship we have always had.
Since our split he got with someone else, at first we got on really well but then she grew jealous of me being present in his life and we no longer speak.
No as XDP and I are close we talk to each other about everything, he has had so many ups and downs in his relationship and he has expressed to me that he no longer wants to be with her and he hasn't wanted to for a while. They argue all the time and she'll block him, they're very on and off.
Here's where it gets hard for me. Today she has found out that she's pregnant!
I came to terms with the fact he was with someone new but this has floored me and although I understand this is between them and it isn't about me I just don't know how to get over this. I'm still pining over him, I love him so much and this has broken me.
He doesn't want anymore children and he made this clear to his girlfriend, she was supposedly on the pill but part of me thinks she's done this on purpose to hurt me and to trap him because she knows her relationship is hanging by a thread.
Now this would be easier as if it was any man I'd cut him off completely but he's the father to my DC and I still have to see him and I know it's going to kill me.
All I want to ask is if anyone here has been in a situation where they are heartbroken by their ex having a baby with someone else and how you overcame this.

As not to drip feed, I also suffer quite severely with anxiety and depression and I'm on medication for this. After hearing this news I have had the thoughts of hurting myself. Please don't ask me to explain why, I guess I'm just not a normal person.

OP posts:

SmashedMug · 18/02/2019 18:18

Oh dear :( sounds like he's had you both hook line and sinker. Gf for the sexy stuff, you for his emotional needs.

Sirzy · 18/02/2019 18:19

You are way too involved in your ex’s life.

Keep contact to child relevant only and move on

catsoup · 18/02/2019 18:23

Right. Get yourself back to the G.P and review your medication for anxiety if it's gotten worse.

Take a giant step back from your ex's love life. Do not be the person he turns to when he needs support or to offload. You're not strong enough for that and guaranteed it's a boost to his ego.

It will be hard but trust me, you will feel better once you are over him. You can't pine for him all your life. Seek support from friends and family. Build your own life gradually with him not playing such a major part.

You can do it and the hurt will get less and less.

eve34 · 18/02/2019 18:26

Sorry you are struggling. Ex left me and moved in with ow straight away. Had the children eow and played happy families like I never existed.

A year on I'm still crushed. And have had some poor behaviour from ex. I find the only way I can cope is to go as low contact as possible. I know I need to 'grow up'. But he has treated me very badly. And if it weren't for the children I would have nothing to do with him. I am of course civil but I have no contact in between eow. I message anything he needs to know. I don't speak badly of him to the children. I hope I'm time it hurts less. But this is how I have got through the past year.

LilaJude · 18/02/2019 18:26

He has behaved badly OP - he shouldn’t be using you as an emotional crutch in his new relationship.

I would try and reduce contact as much as possible so it’s only about the kids. Don’t let him use you for support. You don’t owe him that. Give yourself an opportunity to move on.

swingofthings · 18/02/2019 18:33

Sadly deep inside you hoped with all your heart that he would come back to you and recently you thought you were almost there...and now your world has come crashing down as there's a good chance that he'll stay with her for the baby.

Yes it is highly likely that she tried to get pregnant to keep him, but that's no different to what you were doing by being his close friend and steal him from her.

You are clearly still massively in love with him so it must be so hard to really let go but maybe this is the time to really accept that it is over for good.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 18/02/2019 18:35

If he was that desperate not to have any more children then he should have taken charge of his own contraception and worn condoms. I suspect he's playing you both off against one another. Horribly hard as this is, you need to take this as a sign to move on.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/02/2019 18:38

OP I really doubt she got pregnant to hurt you.

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2019 18:39

Jesus Christ you're way over invested in him.

If I were you, I'd be more worried about how he's going to afford to pay maintenance for all these kids he keeps fathering.

SassitudeandSparkle · 18/02/2019 18:41

You've made up a scenario in your head about him hating her and imagining that he wants you back OP. Now you've found out that it isn't true and I can see how hurtful that was for you - but you need to move on, you are only hurting yourself here. Seek medical help urgently if you feel the need to hurt yourself, but you'll still need to move on from him in the end. He's not worth your time or energy and you need it all for yourself.

Travisandthemonkey · 18/02/2019 18:44

You need to start being angry with him.
He’s kept you both on tenterhooks.
Saying he doesn’t want to be with her and then having sex with her.
I would sadly imagine you don’t know half the story.
He’s hlbeen using you both.
This is not a nice person

Drum2018 · 18/02/2019 18:45

Your ex is a dick. He is having his cake and eating it - her on hand for the physical relationship and you there to whinge to. You should only be talking about your children, end of. You need to make it clear to him that you are no longer available to be his sounding board. You are the mother of his children and all future correspondence will be about them only. Make sure he is paying the necessary maintenance, have set access hours and move on. A grown man who didn't want any more children should have kept his mickey in his pants. He is equally responsible for the conception of this new baby so any talk of her being on the pill, her trapping him, is not for you to concern yourself about. This is his issue to sort out however he and his gf choose. So do yourself a massive favour and stay well out of it.

AuntMarch · 18/02/2019 18:47

He's an arsehole for discussing his relationship with you.
That isn't fair on her, or you. Prick.

Missingstreetlife · 18/02/2019 18:50

Sorry op, it hurts. Time to draw a line, let them get on with their life and you with yours. It's for the best in the end. Be nice to yourself and dc but move on.

Divgirl2 · 18/02/2019 18:56

YANBU but it's time to move on. There is absolutely no way your ex didn't know you were still absolutely in love with him. He was using you for his emotional needs, using her for his sexual needs, and now he's been caught.

What will happen now is he'll confide in you that he's only staying with her until after the baby is born, then it'll be he needs to stay for the baby's sake because she's nuts, then it'll be "once the baby is in school". It'll be enough to keep that little fire inside you alive that maybe one day he might come to his senses.

You need to start talking to him ONLY about the kids, keep to your set days as much as possible, change his name in your phone to "baby daddy" or "kids dad", get yourself on tinder, hit the gym. You are fabulous - no man should be using you as an emotional support animal. You are far better than that.

Ps. Go see you GP too.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/02/2019 18:58

Oh my dear you are way, way too involved in this man's life for your own wellbeing. Your life has been in a holding pattern since the day you and he broke up and that's so sad. You deserve to be free to find love for yourself, someone who will value you as you should be valued. You think he is the 'love of your life'. But if he really was, you'd still be together. He may be a love in your life, but you have yet to meet the real love of your life. Because that man will love you back as you deserve to be loved.

I suggest you get counseling and start to emotionally dis-entangle yourself from him.

Juells · 18/02/2019 19:03

Staying friendly with an ex you're still in love with is a recipe for heartache. :( You need to have contact only with regard to the children, forget about being friends. There's nothing for you in that apart from terrible pain.

BoringPerson · 18/02/2019 19:08

BoringPerson · 18/02/2019 19:10

That is very worrying that you were thinking are harming yourself over this. Do you have anyone in real life that you can talk to about this. I don’t think starting a thread on AIBU is a good idea. Some posters can be very unkind and blunt.

Hope you feel better soon.

fruitbrewhaha · 18/02/2019 19:12

OP he is just not as wonderful as you think he is. I'm sure he is aware of how you feel and has been using you as an emotional crutch. It's not fair on her or you to be discussing his relationship with you.

If he's that great why is his DD's partner not still with him, he has left you, and now dicking this new girlfriend around.

You need to move on.

waterrat · 18/02/2019 19:13

Im sorry OP - it is heartbreaking as you say when the hope you had is crushed. Because this may be what this is - a part of you was really really hoping that if you stayed friends it would keep the flame alive.

Have you had counselling? I really think you should try to reduce contact with him to the basics, stop being there for him to moan about his girlfriend that is awful of him to use you for that.

Go and find a good friend to talk to and get their help in really reducing contact withi him. He has moved on and you need to find a way to heal yourself.

If it helps to remember this - a good man would not slag off his current partner or talk to you anyone else about his relationship.

AstralTraveller · 18/02/2019 19:14

I agree with this lot. You have to radically overhaul the way you interact with this man and engineer it so you never see him and almost never speak to him. You have to do this for your sanity. He is making a mug of both of you. I feel very sorry for you though. It is a particular type of hell you are going through.

YouokHun · 18/02/2019 19:14

Go to your GP and while your medication is reviewed ask him/her for a referral for counselling. Please tell your GP that you’ve had thoughts about harming yourself. Counselling might help you work out how to move forward and it will help to talk to a neutral person about what’s been going on. The GP should refer you to IAPT but if the waiting list is very long you may be able to access low cost counselling through your local branch of MIND. There’s a whole world out there of potential friends and partners - try and start to refocus your energy away from him because you deserve better.

MNHQ

KimMumsnet · 18/02/2019 19:18

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

IvanaPee · 18/02/2019 19:37

Oh god.

Ok, you need to take a HUGE step back here. There’s no way a woman has gotten pregnant in an on/off relationship on the offchance that it hurts the man’s intefering ex.

If he didn’t want to be with her/risk a child with her, he could have stopped shagging her.

He has no right to discuss his relationship with you. That’s not fair on you, but it’s not fair on her either.

Why did you split? I know it’s easier said than done sometimes but you really REALLY need to disengage.

Her life and their relationship is absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s really not. And it’s fine for her to have a problem with him being that involved with his ex. Particularly because she was right to be concerned about it since he’s bitching to you about her!

You really need to find a way to move on. If you hurt yourself you will hurt your dds. And for what? A man who doesn’t give a shit about you!

Please seek help if you’re feeling that way!

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