Life is a competition that I always lose.

[Unconventionalmum]

All my life, I was told I was average. I was never a great person who achieved great things. I had a good singing voice but not good enough. I had good grades but not an over achiever. I've always been made out to be a disappointment. I had my daughter at fifteen, I did my gcses when she was two weeks old. I got B's and C's, no fails. I then went on to work in marketing where everything went upside down.

I started suffering from agoraphobia and my anxiety got much worse. That was three years ago, these days I don't leave the house whatsoever. I have three children aged six, two and one. I love them dearly but most days I feel like I'm failing. They cry and they whine and Im crying by the end of the day. My partner is extremely supportive and has had to give up work to be my carer. I ended up having six hospital admissions to a psychiatric hospital last year.

Now I'm studying a law degree which makes me feel like I'm doing something useful but in struck with the fact that I'm only get 2:1 in my assignments, again average 🙄 I feel like I wasn't made to succeed, everyone around me is doing things and getting on with their life. I struggle to leave the house let alone go to work. Who am I kidding? People always make remarks about those who don't work and how scummy they are. I feel it, I feel like I'm a rubbish mum. I wish I could work, I hate being holed up in my house, people don't realise that I feel like I'm in prison. I don't sleep, I just want to be normal. I have a diagnosis of bpd, agoraphobia, GAD and ptsd, I'm in Dbt therapy and take medication.

More of a rant and I'm sorry for whining.

I’m so sorry you feel like this. You are studying for a law degree which is definitely not a ‘just average’ thing to be doing! You should be so proud of yourself! And a 2:1 is really good, not average. Of all the people I know who went to uni only a very few got 1sts and quite a lot of them never got above a 2:2! You sound like you have had such a tough time but I have so much admiration for you studying after having such a difficult time with being in hospital. You shouldn’t worry about working at the moment either, you are studying and your children will be so proud of their mum when she gets her law degree! I hope you start to feel better soon! x

Also, I’ve just reread your post. Are you just in your early 20’s? (You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to)

You've achieved an amazing thing in doing your degree considering your MH. Maybe try to do a positive affirmation list that you read to yourself in the mirror when these thoughts intrude to remind you of all good things.

Saying that I know it's not easy and I could do with taking my own advice. My nan used to say be as kind to yourself as you are to others

I feel incredibly guilty that I cannot work. It was only eight months ago where my partner had to quit his job to care for me and before that he financially supported us but now I feel like everyone is judging.

I had my eldest teacher asking why I don't work to show my children a good example and that broke me. I can't be the parent I always wanted to be. I'm taking small steps to move forward such as the degree and engaging in very intensive therapy but days like today make me feel like I'm nothing. My two year old cries all day, she's always whining over something and I just generally don't get along with her. I love her to bits but she pushes every button I have and makes me really reconsider this parenting malarkey. I sound horrible

Do you have any family around you that could have your children for a morning/afternoon/day? It might be good for you to spend some time for yourself and do even simple things like go for a walk without them or have a bath without hearing any noise.

AlsI, don’t worry you don’t sound horrible! You sound like a lot of people with three young children!

Thank you both! It's nice to have support. I struggle to voice all these feelings and thought even to my therapist. I am 22, that's another factor that goes against me but now I'm used to that.

Im desperate for a break, we always have the kids. Me and my partner don't get a break which is fine as I don't want to be dumping them on anyone but at the very same time, a date night would be lovely. Even if it is just spent at home watching films. I don't really have anyone to have the kids, my sister is the only one who can and she's incredibly busy herself.

I think I've reached my breaking point, I think I did this to myself and now I can't sort it out

You have it HARD at the moment. It's not you that is a problem you know that right? It's your situation. You are studying for a LAW degree which is one of the hardest degrees and 3 small needy children at the same time will bring down the most Hardy and robust people.

Work out strategies but don't beat yourself up. It's OK to not be A+. It's the real world. I only got a 2:2 but I didn't get the best life start like others. Yet my career on paper looks like from someone who has got an Oxbridge degree. A degree is just the start of. It's what you do with it that matters and you know you can otherwise you wouldn't have started it.

Believe in yourself if only so that your children have good behaviours. You'd want them to believe in themselves wouldn't you??

Op you are not average! You passed your exams with a newborn. You have a supportive partner and are studying law. A 2.1 is good!!!
You sound young and are working on your problems. The future sounds bright from what you have said. This not working isnt forever. The teacher sounds like a patronising fool, don’t listen to her or tell her about your life again unless it is directly about DC. Good luck

Ps. 2 year olds can test the resolve of anyone.

It's all in your mind OP. It sounds as if you're struggling with your self confidence. You need to be strong minded, stubborn and work hard for what you want. Nothing is impossible and if you set a goal for yourself and give it your all; you will get there. Your mentality will either help you thrive or completely drag you down. Setting a nice day schedule can help you feel better. Ex: wake up 7, work out from 8-9, go on a walk from 9:30-10 breakfast , etc, etc. I've struggled with depression for so long. Some weeks/days/months I'm fine and out of no where I will find myself feeling extremely depressed. Sometimes it lasts days sometimes weeks. But what always lifts me up is exercising, and going on a walk with my son. Even if it's cold, a 10 minute walk helps me feel so much better. Also you are not average. You are amazing! Look at all you've done. You've done a lot more than most people in this life time. You should feel so proud of yourself at everything you've accomplished. Lift your head up and start loving yourself! Xx

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. You've got three young children, which is a full-time job in itself, and you're studying for a law degree, which is a pretty full-on course of study. Never mind the health issues you're dealing with.

Your eldest's teacher was incredibly out of order asking that question. How intrusive! If she has any idea of what you're dealing with she was insensitive and if not, well, it's none of her bloody business.

Please don't let her get to you. You sound like you're doing a great job under difficult circumstances, and you need to be a bit kinder to yourself

I think you're amazing, a young mum with 3 little ones + studying for a degree, that is way above average my love, please don't be so hard on yourself, things will definitely improve and you are showing huge strength and resilience, better times are on their way for you

Thank you all. The reason the teacher mentioned if I was working was because she wondered if DD was entitled to free school meals, it hit me quite hard and I left very upset.

I didn't expect such lovely support, I'm very greatful. My partner has just headed out to the city because he's always stuck in with the kids. This is the first time I've had all three kids I a long while and I must admit I'm worried I won't cope.

It's very hard, I feel like I've lost a big part of me. I don't have any confidence in myself anymore. I miss my old confidence, I miss enjoying life and being a mum.

I just want to be normal.

But being average is normal for most people most of the time. In my experience most people are quite happy to come away from a degree with a 2:1.

So I think you maybe have to ask yourself why it is has become so important to you to be above average? Do you think that being above average will 'fix' you in some way?

I don't think it will fix me, I'm aware that bpd isn't fixable, it's a personality disorder. I think I feel I have to prove myself so the world doesn't judge me. I want so badly to be someone for my children and I've been nothing more than average, it's a hit in the face when you're good at nothing.

Just feel so fed up, the house is an absolute tip. I'm exhausted. I've got to bath two of the kids at least. Partner is on his way back home and I feel like I've failed big time. The first time left alone and I'm sat in the kitchen crying. I need a bath, I need to get the kids uniform done and I need to do my assignments all whilst the house is a tip. I can't do this now. I asked my sister if she could have my kids next weekend but she can't. I just need a break.

There are no short cuts or quick fixes. Children, careers, jobs, wealth. If you want part of it all, you are in for the LONG HAUL.

You need to break up the day so it's not done all at once. Can kids have bath in the morning when you may be more energised? Cleaning kids can be a wipe on the bottom with a towel, hands and face wash. Like literally minutes. You don't need them to be soaking in a tub for ages. Uniform - just do the bare essentials or not at all. No one at school is going to critisize you if you send them in with uniform that's not been ironed. I've done that a few times and it's been FINE!!

Would it be possible to do any studying and work assignments outside the house like in the library? Because mentally you need the headspace to do one thing at a time, not everything.

You need to think about just doing three things a day. Putting food on the table, cleaning the kids and yourself and maybe one other. And have your other half do three other things. Everything else can wait for tomorrow.

Like I said before, you need strategies and you can DROP non-essential stuff. You should allow yourself to take shortcuts and if things take a bit longer to complete. So what?

And to add, if you want to embark on a law related degree. You'll need to grow a pair or two. Like proper armour. Please take this kindly and go into any law related career with an informed mind. Law professions and related career professionals are some of the most ambitious types (like you ha!) who are very smart, very quick, and very good at pushing their agendas. They have strong personalities who won't take kindly to the wining and winging because every minute needs to be spend on earning and making money.

I got a 2:2 in Chemistry. It was a bloody hard degree and I got it without any help. Mind you, I had no children at the time so you have much harder work there. But what I've learnt VERY FAST in the real world of work is that there are a ton of people who have better degrees, several degrees, PHDs, multiple talents way better than me and it's too easy to crouch down and think 'I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough'. What I've learnt is to be smart instead and rise up the ranks where by I'm now commanding a salary that pays 6 figures a year and it buys me choices. But that's taken years of hard graft and years of believing in myself that can do it. It's no coincidence that I'm the only working female mum in my department but I refuse to give up.

Generally, people are too busy thinking of THEMSELVES than to give 2 shits about you. So it's high time you take some honour and pride in yourself and love yourself because that's the easiest thing (and hardest) to do but will be half the battle won!

Hi Unconventional,

I'm sorry you are feeling so shitty at the moment!

You are successful in life in lots of ways- you are studying for a Law degree, staying motivated in life despite a massive battle with illness, have found love, you have given birth to and are raising three kids. At just 21/22 you have and have done things that a lot of other people want to have/do in their mid-30s and you're so young, you have your whole life in front of you. Your brain is still developing so you may well go on to excel in ways that you do not anticipate at the moment.

A 2.1 is a great achievement. Your undergrad is the first step towards further study and/or towards a career and a 2.1. will provide that opportunity.

Google 'Perfectionism vs Excellence' if you're struggling with perfectionism.

I woke up this morning and the first thought I had is I want this all to be over. Its all too much. The kids are too much. The mess is too much. I feel like screaming, it's too fucking much. I said to my partner that I want to die. I don't want to be around anyone. I want this all to end. I'm sick of trying to make myself better when nothing is makinf me better. My son has been sick so now not only is my house a tip but it also smells of sick and shit. I hate my life.

Average is a success. Not failing is a massive success. I think you’ve set things up to be very hard for yourself for now but if you can just keep putting one foot in front of the other then you can still have great successes.

2:1s are AMAZING in your circumstances! I’m also a student with 3DC in tow and getting 2:1s - to start with I was annoyed and upset but on reflection given how my life and MH is, I think I’m smashing it, so you are too.

Oh, and fuck what the teacher said. You’re getting an education whilst raising kids. That’s hardcore.

Keep talking to us OP. Keep breathing. Can you break this down into small chunks?

I have ADHD, CPTSD, anxiety/panic and treatment resistant depression. I take meds and I do therapy.

When I feel overwhelmed I break things down into tiny manageable pieces.

I've always been very tough on myself because I want to be better than the shit people consider me as.

This morning has gone awful. I'm so tired but barely getting sleep, I screamed at partner to get kids ready for school and I've sat in the bath crying. Worst thing is my younger two are ill, so only my eldest going to school.

I don't have the energy. The things I must get done today is cleaning and referencing my assignment and sending it off.

It doesn't seem to be getting better. I