Life is a competition that I always lose.

[Unconventionalmum]

All my life, I was told I was average. I was never a great person who achieved great things. I had a good singing voice but not good enough. I had good grades but not an over achiever. I've always been made out to be a disappointment. I had my daughter at fifteen, I did my gcses when she was two weeks old. I got B's and C's, no fails. I then went on to work in marketing where everything went upside down.

I started suffering from agoraphobia and my anxiety got much worse. That was three years ago, these days I don't leave the house whatsoever. I have three children aged six, two and one. I love them dearly but most days I feel like I'm failing. They cry and they whine and Im crying by the end of the day. My partner is extremely supportive and has had to give up work to be my carer. I ended up having six hospital admissions to a psychiatric hospital last year.

Now I'm studying a law degree which makes me feel like I'm doing something useful but in struck with the fact that I'm only get 2:1 in my assignments, again average 🙄 I feel like I wasn't made to succeed, everyone around me is doing things and getting on with their life. I struggle to leave the house let alone go to work. Who am I kidding? People always make remarks about those who don't work and how scummy they are. I feel it, I feel like I'm a rubbish mum. I wish I could work, I hate being holed up in my house, people don't realise that I feel like I'm in prison. I don't sleep, I just want to be normal. I have a diagnosis of bpd, agoraphobia, GAD and ptsd, I'm in Dbt therapy and take medication.

More of a rant and I'm sorry for whining.

Referencing is such a ball ache! I hate it

I’m the same. Forever told because I’m 32 with kids I wouldn’t finish college. I did finish college. Then told I wouldn’t get into Uni as I was just shy of the grades needed. They let me in anyway.

Don’t give in. Don’t give people the satisfaction. Keep the end goal in sight. Imagine how amazing it will feel.

I’ve had to learn to go easier on myself as it doesn’t do me any favours however I’m still guilty of doing it a lot

For today just do what you can. Is an extension possible? I’ve had deadlines extended when my kids have been sick before.

Well done Roland, I hope that I can achieve all that you have!

I'd like to thank everyone that has given me support on this thread, I'm not sure if many of you have expieriences with bpd but my moods can change so quick. This morning I was suicidal, I had all my tablets prepared and written a note, I forced myself into the bath and though if I still felt like it after the bath then ill do it. After the bath, my two year old came running up the stairs to see me, asking for a nap in my bed. So both me and her had a nap and I'm feeling a bit better, I have even finish my assignment so I'm hoping if I just take small steps today, I'll be ok. Thank you all sooo much for being there when I needed someone to talk too ♥

Sweetie, I think you'd need to be a superwoman to do a law degree with such young children and problems with your mental health. Why on earth are you putting so much pressure on yourself?

Its absolutely fine just to be a mum while your lids are so small; life is not a race and not a competition. I think you should just concentrate on getting better.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are having such a tough time but we're glad things are looking a little better now.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

OP, I can assure you, you are NOT average. Not that there is anything wrong I’m being average anyway. It’s all about mindset, but I’m sure you know that. Changing mindset is the hard bit!
Studying for a law degree aged 22 with three very young children is incredible - well done!! Frankly you’d be doing well just to pass, let alone get a 2.1
Is there any more practical help you can get to help you through the next few years, while your children are young?
Good luck and try to surround yourself with as many positive people as possible. It will help!

Thank you to everyone who gave me their support. I got 85% and 87% in my assignments and this gave me a very much needed boost.

I think a lot of it is mindset related. I'm so used to being a disappointment, I'm always fighting to be seen as better than average as I just dissapoint everyone.

Well done!! You can do this OP!

OP i was talking to a friend of mine recently. Both of us grew up in very difficult homes and had very nasty and undermining Mothers. We have both achieved some things in life but not been superstars. If you think of someone with a good and happy childhood starts at zero then moves forward to achieve. A child who hasn't had that starts at minus 100 and has to work so much harder to achieve the same as someone who had a supportive upbringing.

You're doing very well and I think you could do a lot less and still be doing brilliantly.

Well I think you're extraordinary not average in the least.

What you must to is stop being so hard on yourself.