A bizarre ‘grief’

[FancifulFeathers]

Wasn’t sure where to post this as to be honest, I’ve got no idea what’s going on!

This has happened twice now, once after the wedding of a sibling, and now, after a sibling had their first baby. It’s a very strange feeling that these events are sending us further apart, that our lives are changing yet again.

For bigger picture, we live 100+ miles apart but speak daily or every other day. I’ve got my own family, great kids. One parent died 3 years ago which is another factor, that they aren’t here to share these special moments.

I feel like my head is all over the place, I can’t stop crying and it’s driving me mad. I suppose I just needed to vent and for someone to tell me it’ll be ok 🙁

I know what you mean Feathers. Except I get it when my friends share their happy first baby news. I'm not planning on children, so It always makes me feel sad that their lives and priorities will now be changing and I won't see them as much as before.

Obviously I keep it to myself and show them nothing but excitement. But the fact remains that the quality of our friendship will change, at least for a few years, and while it may recover, it won't ever go back to how it was in that same carefree way.

You’ve hit it on the head - the quality and nature of the relationship changes, whether that was because of the new partner or new baby. Totally same as you, wouldn’t dream of showing this emotion to them, it feels selfish! I need time to accept that although it changes, change doesn’t mean worse.
Thank you for replying, I hope you’re ok x

Hi there everyone,

We're going to move this to Mental Health.

I have a few sisters and we are very close but no way would we be in contact with each other every day. Are you a little bit too dependent on them for friendship? Do you have your own friends nearby? Are you the oldest and feel responsible for the younger ones.
I do know that if anything bad..not serious..happens to one of my siblings l cry a lot . Sometimes more than them. I can handle my own upsets fine but never want anything bad to happen to them.

I get you OP - I feel horrible for saying this, but I initially felt a bit upset when my best friend announced she was pg. I think there was an element of 'gosh, we really are that old now, and worrying that we would drift apart. I think it's normal to find change and uncertainty unsettling. Could it be worth trying something like CBT to help with managing these sorts of thoughts? I'm currently trying it and finding it helpful. FYI - actually, friend and I are still very close!

I’m the youngest. And no I don’t have friends so perhaps I am dependent on being in touch with them (sometimes it might be a funny video and nothing else)

Lego - I wouldn’t know how to go about CBT, do I need to speak to someone?

You can ask for a referral from your doctor though there's a waiting list.

That said, I'm not entirely sure you need CBT for these feelings - when it might be just as good a distraction for you to widen your social circle, if you possibly can. Easier said than done, I know. But you might feel less worried about your changing relationships if you had a few more irons in the fire. Could it be that your closeness to your family (and them being far away) has allowed you to get away with not making friends where you live?

I don’t know really.

It’s been a few years since I moved away. I’ve made friends through various jobs, which have always fizzled out when I move to a new job/went on maternity leave etc

I think my only opportunity now is thru the little one but we don’t go to any groups. I need to bite the bullet and attend some toddler groups don’t I?! It fills me with dread but I can see the benefits

It's worth a go. Even if you have to brave the toddlers!

That said, it sounds like you have a very nice family. They will always be in your life. And other friends will be a bonus.

My situation is the reverse in that I don't have a good relationship with family, and therefore my friends are very precious to me, so I work quite hard to stay in touch and keep them in my life.

Thank you so much for your words. It’s been a big help writing it down and thinking about it properly

I sat with my partner this morning and told him how I feel. It felt such a release.