Heartbroken

[JRS80]

Hi all. Completely new to this but I am desperate for advice. My gf who was the love of my life dumped me on New Year’s Day. This has left me suicidal and depressed beyond belief. I am 39 and she is 46. She has two children from her marriage. Things were amazing between us but she always kept me away from the girls. I was almost her weekend play thing when the girls were away. She told me she loved me and I wanted to create a future together. Eventually she said she wanted me to get involved with the girls. I was beyond happy that she wanted this. We did a few things together at weekends. Some went well and a couple the girls were very quiet. I knew this would take lots of patience and time as I was a new man coming in to their lives. My ex did not really fight for it though. I would not see any of them in the week and would only really see her when the girls were away. This was not my choice but my ex’s. We have only been seeing each other a year but I was besotted and would give her my all and everything and more that she required. She suddenly started becoming very cold and distant in November. Felt like my head was on the chopping block which made me try even harder for her. We had a holiday booked for Xmas and we went away in it. Things were amazing and I thought we were going to pull through. I bought her amazing gifts and tried my hardest. As soon as we were back she went back to how she was before. I felt destroyed. She didn’t want any real interaction with me and we met up again on New Year’s Eve for a party. She pretty much didn’t even want to have me with her there. Next day I phoned her and she pretty much dumped me. I pleaded for more time. At the end of the week she met up with me to tell me it was over. Told me she never actually loved me, that it was her not me and that because I don’t have children this counted against me. Felt like all the amazing stuff we had done over the year was a lie. I have never felt pain like this even though I have had break ups before. She is literally the love of my life and I just can’t accept she never loved me. She has instantly moved on and removed our pictures from social media. We have messaged a few times and she said she is fine whilst I have been left destroyed. Some people have said she was wrong for me and didn’t treat me how I should be deserved to be treated. I love her and always will but how can someone do this to you? Please please help me. I can’t axcept closure. I know I need to get mentally stronger but just don’t know how to do it. I’ve heard all the platitudes like time will heal and love myself but I just don’t know how to do it. Please help!!!

What you do is take each day at a time.

For the minute though you need to break off contact. Delete and block her on every platform she's on because you're just going to torture yourself. Outpourings and grief won't make her come back to you but you may find it irritating her if she's checked out, which it sounds like she has a while ago.

The approach you're using with all the love bombing isn't attractive if she's not in the same place as you. The harder you tried the more off-putting it was.

You clearly have a lot of love to give, just take time to heal before taking on someone else.

Look after yourself, stay away from alcohol completely and hook up with some pals so you're not alone brooding all the time.

Thanks so much for your reply. The thing is she said she used to love how special I made her feel. She loved the attention I gave her. Since we split I’ve been very coy in what I’ve told her. I’ve not told her about my grief or how I want her back so much. The conversations we’ve had by text have just been on the how’s your day level. I know she doesn’t want me and has moved on but it’s just in my head that I can’t accept it. I feel like I have truly been played which is awful as I thought she was so loving and caring. I can’t bring myself to disconnect social media with her. Even though she has deleted all our pictures and has obviously moved on. Sorry to moan on and on but I am at a complete loss.

I often looked at my Ex's FB, from a relatives account who he'd forgot to delete. It did me no good.

I hate the expression 'fight for it', it is either a right fit or it isn't.

You wasn't her weekend plaything, she did what was right, build a relationship before introducing you to her children.

Once she did, it must have become apparent that, as a couple/family, it wouldn't work.

I agree with taking each day as it comes, but I'd add in some goals. Short term ones to start with.

Build a life again without her.

" I feel like I have truly been played"

You haven't. You've had good times together but they just didn't go to a full relationship stage, unfortunately it happens.

You wasn't her weekend plaything, she did what was right, build a relationship before introducing you to her children

Once she did, it must have become apparent that, as a couple/family, it wouldn't work

This ^^ is exactly what's happened OP. It's sensible on her part, it's nothing you've done, it's just not right for her as a family.

No more messages about anything, no matter what about and you really need to block her social media so you can cut her off in your head. Just keep it in mind as you grieve.

I know she tried to build it. Of course the girls were her priority and I always accepted that. But she didn’t actively want me involved in any days out together for seven months of the relationship. And even then it was only a couple of times. Some of them were lovely days. Only one was a bit quiet where we didn’t do anything. I understand she struggled as a unit but was a completely different person when it was just us. I always said have more patience with it but she didn’t want to try. I was played because she told me she loved me but when we ended it she told me she never loved me. She said she had known this all along and only told me she loved me as she was caught up in the moment. She didn’t want anything to do with me in the week and it was only weekends she would see me. I feel so hurt. I absolutely love her so much and would have done anything to make it work. Why is it that someone can move on so easily and the other is left heartbroken, kicked in to the gutter and all feelings of self worth destroyed?

It just seems she's moved on so quickly to you because it's out of the blue sort of but emotionally she's checked out a while ago.

She might have felt love at one point or really wanted to feel it because you treated her well, but ultimately she's done the right thing by ending things rather than drag it out for years.

There isn't anything wrong with you OP. This just wasn't the right relationship to progress for her.

I know to an extent what you are saying is right. I also felt played because she went on holiday with me which I had payed for the majority of, and she accepted my gifts. All of which have left me in huge debt. She was affectionate with me and very physical only whilst we were away. She obviously knew that she wanted to end it before we went away but she said she went away and was like that with me because she did not want to spoil the holiday. How can you mislead somebody in to thinking that the relationship can be mended in that way? To be physical with someone purely for the enjoyment of a holiday. She knows how much I love her and I’d do anything for her. Literally worshipped the ground she walks on. Th plain had not even touched down back home and she was back to how she was before.

Why on earth did you get in debt? you can't pin that on her that was your choice unless she forced you to book and pay for a holiday?

Maybe this was a last ditch make or break thing

Would you have preferred it if she ended things before the holiday?

In all honesty I didn’t care about the money. I don’t care about the material items. Like you said, she checked out long before we went. I can see the signs now. It was more the physical side of things. If it was last ditch on her part then she sure didn’t show it whilst we were away. It went so well between us. I know I’m not seeing sense right now and feels like nothing that any of my friends or anyone can say can convince me otherwise. I just need to find a way to deal with this rejection.

Sorry to hear you feel so terrible, but you are being given good advice here. All I can add is try to stop torturing yourself by over analysing everything you did / she did as it is of no help. Whatever the reason is and despite how you still feel she has ended it and you need to accept that it is final as difficult as it is. Try to imagine you put all these thoughts in a box in your head and nail it down, then every time you start thinking about her mentally just add another nail and try to think of something else. Or try wearing an elastic band on your wrist, every time you start thinking about her give it a good twang and change your thought process. You sound like a lovely man with a lot to give to the right woman, she is out there waiting for you.

Allow yourself to be hurt and to grieve. I understand that deleting social media and cutting contact can be very painful, but you need to have a determination of steel not to check her Facebook or to text her when you feel particularly bad. You need to be honest with yourself if it's something you are likely to do, and act accordingly. Don't knowingly bring more pain into the situation.

I find writing things down to help. Write the text message and save it. Put it all in an email and don't send it (you can tell yourself you can send it a month from now if you still feel the same), essentially work the grief out of your system. You say you feel you can't accept the end of the relationship, and you will feel many more strong, debilitating emotions before you are through. But you will get there.

You cannot get the answers you need now, try to accept that. But know that there will be a time it will all make sense, but by that point it won't matter so much.

Keep busy, take each day as it comes. Read lots. These early stages are appallingly shit. They do end.

If it was last ditch on her part then she sure didn’t show it whilst we were away

Well that's the whole point of a last ditch attempt. Really put the effort in to see if the feelings come back. She tries and they didn't so she did the right thing by ending it.

All the advice is great advice. It is just so raw and painful at the moment. I just can’t switch off my love for her.

You need to block her totally and grieve the loss of the relationship as you would a death and move on. I don't say that to be harsh. It's what you need to do.

Right now you need to concentrate on getting through each day without her, if a day seems too much then an hour, if that's too much a minute and at the end congratulate yourself for doing it - that last bit is the important bit, congratulating yourself on getting through. You don't need to tell anyone or do it in public but you need to acknowledge that you're getting through otherwise the process can become meaningless.

The person I fell in love with I would have been a disaster for - I knew, if honest, there was no way he could cope with what I've gone through and had to walk away. It was devastating for me (and I later learnt him) but it was the right thing to do. He's now married and has children (can't put into words how much that hurt) and lives a couple of miles from me so I see them all occaisonally. I've genuinely never felt that connection with anyone else and though I was the one who walked away, hurting us both, it was the right thing to do in our circumstances - he would never have coped with my past as well as his and has been able to move on albeit still struggling with his own issues.

He has social media which is open and I have occaisonally since looked him up - every time it's not helped me. I always think it will but it doesn't. It just reopens the wound. Sometimes when things got hard I'd think "I'll phone x" or I'd let myself daydream about telling him and him supporting me but though it helped in the beginning in the long term it didn't. It doesn't even make logical sense wanting to phone him - I know he couldn't cope with the issues I have!

It's hard. People aren't always who you think they are, everyone has things going on in their lives you know nothing about, reasons for things based on those experiences. It is hard. Very hard. But we never know people as well as we think we do.

That wasn’t last ditch by her seeing how she felt on holiday. She told me she did it because she didn’t want to ruin the holiday. It truly is a grieving process. I’ve had loss in my time and it sounds terrible but in some ways that was easier. That person is taken away and didn’t choose to reject you and leave. There is a finality with loss. And I know that sounds harsh but that’s how it feels. When someone leaves you who you love dearly, they have chosen to reject you. They have got on with their life. I also have a gut feeling ( not going on to it now ) that someone else is on the scene in a way. And I know that she has split up with me and that is her choice but that still hurts. I know I over think things which will never help me but I just can’t think about myself. Can only think of her. I wish I felt anger towards her but all I still feel is heartbreak and love.

Thank you all for your lovely advice and experiences. It really is helping getting some objective points of view

Don't look at it as a personal rejection. I know that's easy for me to say but try not to. People come in and out of our lives for many many reasons. Sometimes we feel more for others than they do for us.

I had a friendship which I trusted and then totally out of the blue they turned up on my doorstep one day, hurled abuse at me regarding my mental illness and disabilities and relying on her for help when unwell and told me I was ruining her life, she was going to have a breakdown herself if she continued with me in her life. Then she accused me of having an affair with her husband (that was later proven to be someone else, did she apologise? Or put everyone she told it was me right? Nope).

I'd no idea. At all.

I later found out she made a thread on here "about me" (or more accurately her version of me) and that was the advice she was given to do (totally not MNers fault that's not the point of me saying that) She keeps trying to get back into my life, I let her once and she did the same thing again. We'd been friends for years and years. Saw her every day, texted, she said I should see her as a mum figure as mine had been abusive.

A friend told me it was her issue not mine. For a very long time I thought it was me and something I'd done. But actually it wasn't. Took a long time for me to realise that. But eventually you will too. I know it's not the same but people can be shitty and take the piss. I had a friend who was taken for a ride by a supposed single mum to the tune of thousands of pounds - she wasn't a single mum and was using her, she was devastated and felt everyone would mock her if they knew - I knew because she'd told me and she felt she had to "come clean". She's in her 90s and still blames herself.

Final most important thing.

DO NOT let shitty people define you. There are people who care, genuinely care and want to help/support etc. Let them. Yes not everyone is trustworthy but not everyone is a shit. And I say that as someone who struggled massively with trust.

Thank you for that. We never know what people are going to be like normally not until it’s too late. I just wish I could stop this feeling of loving her.

Hello OP,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Please don’t move it. I find it really helpful here.

Can anyone please tell me just how to actually accept a relationship is over?