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Mental health

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Original poster

Desperate new mummy

16 replies

Katieboymumma · 07/01/2019 14:17

Hi all
Was just wondering if anyone has any advice for me. I'm a first time mummy to a beautiful 5 week old boy who I love with all of my heart but I'm really struggling. I thought I would be a more natural mum than I am but I'm finding it all so hard I just keep crying and thinking I am not cut out to be a mum, i made a huge mistake and my son deserves better. The sleep deprivation is so bad I can't think straight, I can't remember the last time I showered or ate anything healthy with is not helping with the weight loss and my house is a tip. I just can't seem to get anything done. My son was early too so many of the things I wanted sorting before he arrived are still not done.My hubby is great with our son but is a shift worker so not around much and I'm finding myself really resenting him as I am doing most of the child care and all of the housework, shopping, sorting our finances etc (I've always done it all so he's used to it rather than being lazy is just thoughtless) i resent that he get a time to do what he wants and away from the baby. I'm beating myself up as I always wanted to be a mummy and I am so blessed to have our son so I feel ungrateful for moaning. I have always been so independent and capable but now im a mess and it's got to the point that I'm thinking about what ways I could commit suicide to look accidental so my husband can claim the life insurance although I couldn't do it to my family my mind takes me there . My husband has never been good with emotions so when I cry he doesn't hug me or try to talk it through with me. Is it normal to feel like this? Any advice would be appreciated xx

OP posts:

crackerbaron · 07/01/2019 14:25

I think it's perfectly normal to feel that way, sleep deprivation is horrendous and there's so much change.

However it's also possible you could be suffering from something like postnatal depression. Have you spoke to your health visitor or anyone about how you're feeling?

I had postnatal depression and spoke to my GP about it, from that point things began getting better and in a relatively short time (although I know when you're in the thick of PND / sleep deprivation etc time stands still) I was back to my normal self. It's been over a year since that all happened and I adore being a mum, but I vividly remember feeling I had ruined my life in those early weeks.

Definitely speak to someone about how you're feeling. They're there to help and support you.

Lozxx · 07/01/2019 14:29

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I completely get how you feel so I had to comment. I have a 19 month old but parenting really is difficult, I struggled loads at the beginning because of lack of sleep. Do you think you could have some sort of mental health? I would definitely tell the midwife and they can help you get support. Your baby needs you and your partner. I really hope you get the help you need, I certainly feel better in myself after seeing a GP

crackerbaron · 07/01/2019 14:29

I also had thoughts about it being better if I were dead, you're not alone in this. But it's so important you speak to someone like a health visitor, GP or midwife etc ... especially if your husband isn't able to support you on an emotional level as much as you'd like.

I didn't want to push my story on you but having read back what you've said, I could have written it.

The GP prescribed me a drug called Sertraline which took 3-4 weeks to kick in, but when it did all those horrible dark thoughts went away.

I didn't feel anything towards my baby other than responsibility, but after getting help at about 5 weeks, by about 8 I was feeling more myself and by 12 I remember really loving motherhood.

Please keep posting here if it helps, I posted so much and got so much advice from other women who had been there. It will get better!

Cuntcuntcunt · 07/01/2019 14:30

Please talk to your HV or GP x

AssassinatedBeauty · 07/01/2019 14:31

Your husband is letting you down. There is nothing about shift work that would prevent him from doing his share of the housework, shopping, finances etc. He may be used to not doing it but that's no excuse. Especially if he can see that you're desperately unhappy.

Is there any chance you can have a family member/friend have the baby for a morning when you're both around and give him some hard truths about what his lack of care is doing to you?

OnceUponAGiraffe · 07/01/2019 14:32

I promise you that this is not the best it will be. It is ok to hate the newborn stage, there will be better days, weeks, years to come.

Having said that, I think it is definitely worth you chatting to the GP or HV about how you’re feeling. The world, and particularly your baby’s world, is a better place because you’re in it.

Hang on in there. Better days will come.

DoingMyBest2010 · 07/01/2019 14:33

Please speak to your HV or GP and be honest about your feelings. A newborn is incredibly hard work. Are there any mum and baby groups you could join? It's a cliche, but things do get better, I promise you they will. You've made the first step to acknowledge how you feel and that you are struggling - now seek help to get better.

fieldofwheat · 07/01/2019 14:52

So sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. From personal experience, I do think it's totally normal to feel like this, although I agree with the other posters who have recommended speaking to a GP or HV.

My son (now 2) was also early so I really identify with your feelings of being unprepared. I also had been so desperate to be a mum (had IVF treatment) and have step-children so assumed that I would take to it naturally(!) - errr no!!!!

Looking back I honestly feel that I was just in shock for the first few weeks/months and what followed was a huge life adjustment that I just hadn't anticipated. I also resented my husband at times, even though he was so supportive and helpful. Becoming a mum is such a massive life change and I don't think anything can prepare you but please take comfort in the fact that you will get through this and you will feel better and honestly you are doing a great job. For me, as soon as my son started smiling back at me (about 9 weeks) the connection grew stronger and everything started to shift. Have an honest conversation with your other half and let him know that he needs to take on other responsibilities. Be kind to yourself. Hugs x

VioletBedframe · 07/01/2019 14:57

Yes it is normal to feel like this. I could have written your post. I had a crap DH too. It gets better as they get older. Each week is better than the last. Try to accept help from any friends or family who offer. Tell your partner what you need him to do. Talk to your doctor. You are all your baby needs and all you need to do at the moment is survive these first few months. Then things become clearer. The mummy feelings take time. Mine have built and built over 10 years. But they weren’t there to start with. We bonded through surviving through it all. You can do it. You are doing it. Keep going.

minipie · 07/01/2019 15:07

Oh lovely . 5 weeks is a very hard stage. Early babies are harder too as you get more of the newborn phase and often some extra tummy and sleep troubles too. I totally hated my life at that stage and thought what on earth have I done. I used to fantasise about being in an accident so I could go to hospital and get a rest.

Please explain to your DH how you are feeling. Tell him he HAS to take over the housework and cooking and it is normal for the man to do that when you have a baby. It is going to be much harder work than he’s used to but that is part of having a baby.

Ask your DH to look after your DS for an hour or two whenever he is off shift so you can get a nap.

I promise it gets so, so much better. 9 weeks was a bit better than 5 weeks and 12 weeks was a bit better than 8 weeks. 4 months was a lot better. At 6 months I actually started to enjoy having a baby and felt like myself again. I know that feels a long way away right now but you will get there. One day at a time.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 15:12

I think it's possible you have post natal depression. It's worth speaking to your gp or health visitor about how you're feeling. There is no need for you to be feeling so down and suicidal. There is help available.

Please ignore people who are telling you this is normal, it's not normal to be crying dnd feeling suicidal. Not normal at all. Yes it's tough, but you shouldn't be feeling like this.

However although it's not normal, it is common to have post natal depression so do seek medical help and get it sorted. 💐

AmyLou777 · 07/01/2019 15:23

I really could have wrote this message when my ds was this age, the resentment towards my boyfriend for working almost drove me mad everyday! It gets better as he gets older and independent, and when hes a bit older you could even put him into daycare 1 day a week to give you a break.. dont forget to look after yourself, take a night away with partner or friends, get your hair done.. anything to feel like you again! 22 months later and i still dont feel like a natural mom either, its a HUGE life change and not one which should be seen as an easy transition. Give yourself time, what your feeling is COMPLETELY normal. I was the exact same. It gets easier believe me. Hugs xx

Wallsbangers · 07/01/2019 17:24

Please contact your GP for an emergency appointment to speak about this. They and your HV will be able to help.

It's a really hard stage, I felt miserable, fat and exhausted. Please get some help. XX

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 07/01/2019 18:25

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We'll be moving this over to mental health shortly.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 07/01/2019 18:32

It’s totally normal to feel like you’ve ruined your life! As a PP upthread said, it’s shock as much as anything. It’s a massive change that nothing can prepare you for.

Please go and see your GP. You can be helped and rapidly, make an emergency appointment, do it now.

azulmariposa · 07/01/2019 18:52

Yes this is completely normal to feel this way! But please see your doctor or hv as they can help.
I had post-natal depression and stupidly didn't do anything about it, looking back now I realise that I should've got help.

I understand completely how you feel, my ex worked shifts and was worse than useless with helping out. This certainly makes things harder for you.
Don't worry about the house being a tip, you'll soon be able to put baby in the bouncer or a sling and do a little each day.
When your dh gets home, hand him baby and have a bath.
Do you have any friends or family that can help out and cook dinner for you or watch the baby for a couple of hours?

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