**Possibly Triggering** childhood abuse?

[Fortknockers]

Debated whether to post as concerned about anonymity so please excuse any lack of specific details.
About 5 years ago I started to recall a possible incident (incidences?) of abuse. I remembered a male family member rubbing cream inside my vagina. I think I was around 11.
Skip forward to 2 years ago and this person was confronted and said he had done this but that I'd asked him to as my Mum wasn't there. Apparently the cream had been prescribed by a doctor. This persons argument was that he was helping me and that it wasn't sexual. This was 30 odd years ago.
I don't know why these memories took so long to surface but having heard his response I feel angry, lost and confused as the implication is I asked for his actions.
I know full well that I wouldn't have asked him. I was and still am very body conscious and am often referred to as prudish. Can his story be real?
I'm reminded of the Larry Nassar case - he too defended his actions by saying it was medical not sexual.
I'm not sure what I am seeking by posting - it would be nice to know whether it is me who is mistaken.
Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Even if his version is true and you did ask him, surely most males would say no to doing that on an 11 year old female?

I suppose if you really wanted to know more you could request your doctor’s notes from them to see if you were prescribed cream for something. I have no medical training but I don’t know what cream would be prescribed to be put INSIDE your vagina.

@Dancer12345 I am led to believe that I was suffering from thrush. You are right that requesting records may help. Would I have to say why I wanted to see them though?

No, you don’t need to give a reason. You will have to pay though. I think my surgery charges £50. I’ve had thrush and had tablets and cream but it’s only external cream. I don’t want to ask or trigger but you may want to think about how “inside” it was if that makes sense.

Also, at 11 I would presume you would’ve been capable of doing that yourself wouldn’t you?

Ok, so I’ve just read that you can get creams to be applied internally. It could be a genuine reason but I still reckon most males wouldn’t agree to that if requested. Was it a close family member, or it would seem potentially more genuine if it were your dad rather than an uncle for example (you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to, just me getting my thoughts out!)

It was a close member. Which is partially why it is so jarring a memory. And why his reason seems so plausible but I keep coming back to the fact that even if I asked (which I can't imagine me doing) he should have said no surely?

Yes, totally agree that he should have said no even if you did ask.

Bit does that make him a bad man? Was it poor judgment motivated by a desire to help? Or a more troubling inclination and a good excuse?

It could be either, and I’m not sure you’ll ever get the answer really.

It would be helpful to hear other perspectives as how his actions are defined affects my ongoing interaction with him and his partner. At present I am NC with him because of what he did.

Bumping as could really do with perspectives on this.

Hi,
I've never been through anything similar but my thoughts are very much that a 'normal' man would point blank refuse to apply cream to a young girl. I have a 2 year old daughter and even when I change her nappy in front of my friends other half's (doesn't happy often but for example I needed to last night NYE and their daughter was in bed so changing unit wasn't available) all the men walked out the room!
If anyone asked my OH to apply cream (anywhere not just in intimate areas) he'd find me.

Personally I find it strange, it could have been done in the best intentions but I'd personally be surprised by this.

I hope you get any closure and answers you need as I imagine you are very torn. X

I don't accept that any adult man would think this was ok. It's not urgent life saving treatment and wasn't necessary. Abuse is often done under the guise of personal care.

I hate to say it but I would be a little concerned why you had thrush in the first place.

@sprouts21 tbh it does concern me. I have had no further memories of that time beyond being examined at the doctors surgery. Would anything be recorded in my medical notes as @Dancer12345 suggested?

@mustpaintthatwall I have found similar when changing nappies. I do feel the need for some kind of closure as it doesn't feel like a clear case of intention abuse.

There will be details about that appointment. It should be free to access your records, although you might have to pay if you want photocopys.www.england.nhs.uk/contact-us/how-can-we-help/how-do-i-get-a-copy-of-my-health-medical-records/

Did you generally need help with this treatment?

Thrush internally is treated by a pessary or oral tablets. The cream is for external use only.

An adult man would not agree to this, an 11 year old child would be capable enough to apply the cream themselves.

I remember my DSis having thrush as a toddler, (antibiotics messing up Ph) and my own mother used Cotton buds and cotton wool to apply.

Other points that suggest this isn't right; if your mother wasn't there and you needed some sort of medicine applying that you weren't aware of, I imagine it would have been dealt with prior to her leaving, she would of instructed you how to do it, or sorted it out on her return. Thrush isn't a life or death situation where it's paramount it's done to time.

My personal opinion is this is abuse, I'm sorry OP that this happened to you

If you feel you need to know, then request your records. That will give you more of an idea.

@Dancer12345 I'm scared as to what I may find which is why I haven't so far

I can understand that. You don’t have to, and you may be able to accept knowing as much as you know and not wanting to know more. Which is fine if that’s what you want.

Also, you don’t need to rush the decision on your notes. There’s no deadline for you to request them, so if you don’t feel you want to now, it doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind in the future. Obviously the other way round, once you’ve read them, there’s no going back.

Do you have support in real life?

@Dancer12345 yes I have support in a sense although the other people who know are also affected by his actions in some way which colours their views and (like me) they find it hard to be objective as they know (and love[d?]) him.

It doesn't make sense to me why a man would apply that to an 11 year old girl.

I have experienced something very, very similar which WAS abuse ( a relative ''cleaned'' me but was actually abusing me up until I was age 8 or 9, the abuse was done under the guise of ''cleaning'' ).

In terms of it taking so long to remember, if this was abuse, your brain has a mechanism to protect you where it basically blocks or represses this type of thing until such times (although in some cases people never remember) you are more able to deal with the memories. It's normal for that to happen. I myself, did not fully remember my abuse until I was 30.

You don't have to rush the process of asking to see records ( I still haven't, several years on, it is too hard for me too ). Make sure you have supportive people around you, and maybe try talking to somewhere like rape crisis ( they can help with historic abuse as well as present day ).

I think you are right to be non contact with him.

@777magic thank you for the reply and so sorry to hear what happened to you. It does sound like a similar justification. Did you ever confront them? I did via his partner & by letter (couldn't face him in person) and he maintains he was only trying to help me because I asked him to. I wonder if he is self justifying because he doesn't want to face the truth? Or backtracking because he has been caught? It's not proving easy to be NC as some members of my family know why I'm not visiting anymore and others don't have a clue. Therefore I am seemingly being unsociable.

I am too scared to confront them, they done other things to me too and they are a very manipulative person who other people would not believe this about. I am scared to this day and am NC with them.

I understand about how it looks to others, I worry so much they think I am stupid or crazy, I worry I wouldn't be believed, but at the same time, I know my own memories are real. The most important thing is to keep yourself safe. It took me some time to figure that out, about just keeping safe. It can really mess with your mind knowing someone abused you but other people not knowing and thinking there is no issue.

I suppose you need to ask yourself.. Do you remember asking him to do that? Does it seem like something you would specifically ask him to do? Why him and not a trusted female? Also, why would he agree to do it, knowing it could get him in trouble?

If it was abuse, then yes, he'll definitely try to cover himself.

Try not to put pressure on yourself and please do take good care.

I suppose if you'd been told that an adult needs to apply the cream then you may have asked, despite feeling uncomfortable (hypothetically, not actually doubting you).

However, unless that man was your father, I can't imagine ANY man with good intentions would agree. And of course, if we are talking about you dad, that don't mean that it was appropriate and innocent.

@777magic I'm so sorry you feel unable to confront this person or that you wouldn't be believed. I was believed but the partner didn't leave him as I thought she would.
I am taking it step by step but I feel that I need to see what (if anything) is in my medical records as at the moment that feels like a big gap in my understanding.