**Possibly Triggering** childhood abuse?

[Fortknockers]

Debated whether to post as concerned about anonymity so please excuse any lack of specific details.
About 5 years ago I started to recall a possible incident (incidences?) of abuse. I remembered a male family member rubbing cream inside my vagina. I think I was around 11.
Skip forward to 2 years ago and this person was confronted and said he had done this but that I'd asked him to as my Mum wasn't there. Apparently the cream had been prescribed by a doctor. This persons argument was that he was helping me and that it wasn't sexual. This was 30 odd years ago.
I don't know why these memories took so long to surface but having heard his response I feel angry, lost and confused as the implication is I asked for his actions.
I know full well that I wouldn't have asked him. I was and still am very body conscious and am often referred to as prudish. Can his story be real?
I'm reminded of the Larry Nassar case - he too defended his actions by saying it was medical not sexual.
I'm not sure what I am seeking by posting - it would be nice to know whether it is me who is mistaken.
Thanks for reading if you got this far.

@SleepWarrior it wasn't my dad. He wouldn't have done. I can only conclude that he saw it as an opportunity to do something he wanted to do.

In that case, I think your conclusion is the most logical .

Looking through your records sounds like a good next step (if you want to pursue this), but be aware that it may be frustratingly inconclusive as things do disappear from records, or never get recorded.

That said, the cream being a prescribed thing is neither here nor there - applying it to a child that you had no business doing so is the problem, even if you asked. You are not wrong or overreacting to be so upset by it, don't doubt yourself. Unfortunately others will not always react the way you'd hope, but that's OK - it doesn't mean you are going mad.

I would say only your dad would reasonably have had reason to do it (assuming your mother wasn't around at the time it needed doing) but at age 11 I'm sure you would have been capable of doing this yourself.

Unfortunately, sometimes abusers have their partners very brainwashed and/or sometimes the partner just doesn't see it worth ending a relationship for whatever reasons (although I personally would leave someone if they admitted such a thing). My abuser is someone who is very two faced and most people would be unlikely to believe what was done to me. However, my ex believed me and I have had a few different therapists who all believe me and that is a very helpful thing to know and to know I am not crazy etc.

The most important thing is that you take care of you and to stay safe. It's possible that medical records may not provide answers as others are saying. I also agree that it is, at least, an odd thing for a man to do to an 11 year old girl.

Thank you all. I did feel like I was sick in the head when I started to remember and that it couldn't possibly have happened. I have doubted myself over the last few years. I thought I was overreacting and that I shouldn't have told his partner. It is reassuring to hear your thoughts.
I accept that my medical records won't necessarily provide answers but I feel the need to at least know what's in them. Apparently as a child I complained about being sore ,down there' which prompted the visit to the doctors. That's one of the things that worries me. Why was I sore? What problems was I having? I hadn't started my periods by then so it wouldn't have been a menstrual issue would it? Surely if the doctor who examined me had suspected any abuse he would have reported it? But this would have been 30 years ago - perhaps it wasn't as much of a focus then as it is now?
None of the pieces fit together.

It's helping so much writing this down and being able to read it back. If I were reading this about someone else I know what I would conclude. So. Why can't I resign myself to it?

Yep, it sounds like there are a lot of questions needing answered. I think it's important to trust your own memories and your own instincts. It's totally normal to use all different coping mechanisms in this sort of thing. And sometimes denial is one of those, I have used it myself, many, any times.

I’m assuming your about 41, you haven’t mentioned if you have dc but if people do have dc memories of abuse can often surface when their own dc reach the age that their own abuse occurred.

I am just wishing you well op it may be worth seeking some counselling to help you through this.

@Adversecamber22 not quite! The big 40 next year but yes DDs are making me reflect on what is appropriate behaviour.

@777magic thank you. I have tried to minimise it and to forget but it keeps surfacing. Will be seeking help soon.

I'd like to keep this thread open so that I can come back when I have accessed my records. Thank you all for your advice and care so far.

Sorry for the delay in replying, yes, it will tend to do that. The first psychologist I told about the abuse told me that the more we try to push something out of our minds, the more it can keep coming back. I can say that, although it has been difficult at times, it has been worth going to therapy (and I am still in therapy) and being able to talk about it all with someone from outside the situation. I am on a low income so seeing an NHS therapist but she has been so helpful. For me, I think I still have a long way to go in healing but I have definitely improved from being in therapy.

I disclosed some of my memories of abuse to a relative yesterday but it was not a good decision as they are now trying to victim blame me. The truth is too hard for some people to hear. Not surprising to be blamed and made to feel guilty but at least now I can cut that person out of my life too. I'm going to get legal advice tomorrow regarding my own situation as I want my abuser to stay away from me.

Not wanting to derail your thread here, I think you are doing all the right things and I think it is a good idea to keep the thread open so you can come back and we can continue to help as and when you need us.

@777magic I am sorry to hear that that was the response from the person you told.
I do think counselling would help but like you I will need to go thorough the NHS so will most likely be placed on a waiting list.
The person responsible is currently minimising what he did. He seems to think that because it happened so long ago it is no longer relevant and worth discussing in any depth. He has apologised but seems all too keen to just put it behind him (and by extension that his partner and those affected should do the same). Sadly although I may be able to forgive his actions one day I cannot easily put it behind me as it has changed so many of my relationships - with my family and my partner.
I don't think he realises the effects of his actions on me. Nor how by saying that I asked him to do what he did that that makes me feel like I am somehow responsible.

Sorry for the delay again, just had the week from hell. It's ok now.

Hope you are doing ok.

Are you able to try somewhere like rape crisis? They should do drop in sessions and they help any woman who has experienced any sort of sexual abuse at any time in their life. Or even just to phone their helpline would maybe help? There's NAPAC too, they can be quite helpful. It's a shame we have to wait on NHS therapists.

It sounds like what he done has had much more negative impact than would be expected if it was just a 'necessary' thing he had done. I don't really like how he is trying to minimise it either, kind of shows guilt on his part, really.

You are not responsible for it, you were under 16 and a child under 16 cannot really consent to things like that to be honest.

It is relevant, it is, to you.