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Mental health

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Original poster

I am struggling so much.

24 replies

Herja · 29/12/2018 18:00

I don't want to be here. I am obliged to be because I suppose the children need me to be. I'm a shit parent at he moment, but they'd probably miss me.

My boyfriend died at the end of November. He held me together every time I felt like crap. Had done every time I've felt bad as long as I've known him, from long before we were together.

I'm scared of asking for help. Last time ended with several social services referrals and no help. He stuck me back together and I was ok. So there is no help. I don't know what to do. I can't say anything to anyone incase it gets back to my ex husband. I don't know what I expect from this either. I am so tired. I don't want to do this. I don't want to and I don't know how to. Only that I have to, for a while at least. But I don't know how.

OP posts:

WrapAndRoll · 29/12/2018 18:17

That must be horrible for you and I'm so sorry to hear your boyfriend died.

When you say "last time" what help were you offered? Who referred you to SS?

You can talk to your GP in confidence and your ex won't find out. Have you previously been offered medication, therapy etc?

Original poster

Herja · 29/12/2018 18:34

Last time I was offered nothing. I went to the gp with massive mood swings, self harm, eating issues, hallucinations, delusions and suicidal ideation. I also thought I had a personality disorder. I was sent for a psychiatric referral. They said I wasn't bad enough to be under their care and referred back to the gp. And referred me to social services. Who also did nothing after the psychiatric team confirmed I was looking after the children and was not a danger to them. Gp did nothing.

The social services referral was intensely stressful and ex husband tried using it to argue for residency of the children. I can't do all that again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Herja · 29/12/2018 18:35

It was the first time in 10 years I had asked for help. It was not a great result.

OP posts:

SandysMam · 29/12/2018 18:40

Bless you, I remember your posts about your DP, i’m so sorry for your loss. It’s still really early days, hang in there and focus on your kids (how you feel about losing DP would be the same for them x a million if they lost their mum...I’ve been there).
Keek going back to the GP and take each day minute by minute, task by task. No other advice but wanted to give you a hand hold and a bump

Original poster

Herja · 29/12/2018 18:56

I just can't do this. I am trying so fucking hard. I can't cope with my own children. We have been out much of the day. Now they are both fighting and I am hiding in the garden. I don't know how to do any of this anymore. I love them. I don't want them. I don't want to do any of this anymore.

OP posts:

Deeedeeee · 29/12/2018 19:01

How old are your kids Herja?

I think you need to get back inside in the warm, make a cup ovvtea and keep talking to people on here x

Original poster

Herja · 29/12/2018 19:02

4 and 6. I can't be in the same room as them.

OP posts:

Deeedeeee · 29/12/2018 19:02

I'm impressed you've taken them out today. You are coping. It is incredibly difficult right now. I'm so sorry.

Deeedeeee · 29/12/2018 19:03

Anyone you can call right now to come over and help?

2019already · 29/12/2018 19:05

I say this in the kindest way possibly, if you don’t feel you want your children and can’t be in the same room as them, then the kindest thing to do is let your ex-husband have residency.

LovingLola · 29/12/2018 19:06

Are the children safe at the moment? Can you feed them and get them to bed soon? Have you someone to come over to stay with you for the night?

PurpleDaisies · 29/12/2018 19:06

Asking for help is a really positive thing. It won’t automatically mean a social services referral.

There’s help out there. You don’t have to feel like this.

Orchiddingme · 29/12/2018 19:06

I am not surprised you feel this way. You sound overwhelmed with grief. You poor thing. Do you have any family or friends at all that you could reach out to at this point? I would also go to a different GP and ask for support, don't go to the same one.

I wish I had something more to say to you, and a way to make this better right this second. I do think over time it will get better, but I would definitely go to the GP again or reach out to the HV and tell them your partner has died and you urgently need help. Or even A and E if you are truly desperate.

For a short term fix, after the kids have gone to bed, what about phoning the Samaritans. I have before and cried for about an hour.
Their number is:
116 123

danni0509 · 29/12/2018 19:07

Bless you @Herja

Original poster

Herja · 29/12/2018 19:07

No. Everyone is bored of it now. There is a very long history of me going wrong. He was the only person that was always there. I don't understand how I'm meant to do this.

And I'm scared, because this is how it always starts. And this time there is no one.

OP posts:

Orchiddingme · 29/12/2018 19:09

The GP or HV won't be bored, nor the Samaritans. Do reach out to them. I get this is an ongoing issue, but there will be resources out there for you although it can be hard to find them at times.

ASAS · 29/12/2018 19:09

Just get through tonight. A few hours then sleep. Take care. If it gets far, far too much call Samaritans. You can do tonight, I know you can.

Deeedeeee · 29/12/2018 19:10

Get inside and get warmed up.
Put the kids to bed.
Call the Samaritans once kids asleep.
If there is anyone you feel can help tonight who would come over please call them.
Make sure you gave some food and a warm drink.
You will not feel like this forever.

FruHagen · 29/12/2018 19:16

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are grieving.

Stop thinking big catastrophic picture and start to focus on the immediate now.

Think about getting warm, must be cold out there. Then choose a warm drink. Don't think much about anything past that.

When you are in this much pain you can only focus on the minutes. Look for the bare necessities in the now. Forget anything outside of now.

Call the Samaritans when you are a bit warmed up.

yawning801 · 29/12/2018 19:19

Thirty seconds at a time. Survive this thirty seconds. Then the next. And the next. Then please phone someone, it doesn't have to be the Samaritans, just someone to talk to you so that you can get the one-on-one help that you deserve.

Deeedeeee · 29/12/2018 19:23

Herja? You still in the garden? I've just made a cup of tea, sending you a virtual cuppa.

MNHQ

RivkaMumsnet · 29/12/2018 20:32

Hi there Herja,

Sorry to see things are so difficult at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as others will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

Thinking of you

Goodmum1234 · 29/12/2018 22:59

Herja,
How are you. Are your children in bed now? They are similar ages to mine and it can be so difficult.

I’m thinking of you as are many mumsnetters. You are not alone xx

FruHagen · 30/12/2018 18:03

Hi Herja,

Just wondering how you are doing? Seems like some unbelievably tough times you are facing.

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