Wish I had someone to talk to right now

[LahDeDah]

Sitting here feeding my 6 month old beautiful boy and I’m crying and I can’t stop. My partner just picked me up on being defensive again for something or other. I do or say something defensive or not in support of what he says and then he Goes off on one and today he looked at me like he’s disgusted with me, like I’m a piece of shit on ground. I can’t help but get upset, I always get tearful and I can’t stpp myself. How do I get help for being a defensive person? Why am I this way? I feel like I’m shit and horrible and useless to everyone. I don’t feel depressed every day but most days i can’t handle stress well if it occurs and there is so much negatives about me and hardly any good things. I’ve got friends but none of which know the real me I guess. So many things wrong I don’t know where to start. I just wish I had someone to talk to right now

Hello. I don't have any answers. But, you do sound like you might be depressed. Have you been to your GP? Are you in employment? Do you have access to counselling via work? Post natal depression is very common and you're probably exhausted too I know I was at the 6 month stage. Please get help.

Oh sweetheart, be kind to yourself. You are a few months in and don’t sound well suppported. Talk here and you will have someone better qualified than me to help you soon. But it will get better.

I’ve got deep rooted issue, the kind that are never important enough to do anything about and I prob need a good councellor which I can’t get on nhs an can’t afford to go myself.
I’m just a shit person deep under all the front I put on

La de dah - i am so sorry you are feeling low. Also your partner sounds as though he is not being good for you right now. You will know that you are under a lot of stress with a baby and that won’t be helping. One way of not being defensive is to try to let things go right over your head and not rise to things said. Remember you might well not be being defensive. The more worrying and no doubt difficult thing for you is when you say it’s hard when you don’t agree with him.

Hmmm - I won’t jump to quick ‘because I don’t know anything about your situation but it doesn’t sound good. That could be as simple as the two of you are just in a difficult place and he is struggling with parenthood etc or could be more significant.

Best thing of all is that you have recognised that you are having a tough time and put it into words. Is there someone you trust in real life who you could unburden to ??

MN can be brilliant with support and advice too if course - good for you for posting.

I’ll fillownthis thread and am sending you a hug and

I think I’m also feeling sorry for myself which my partner says is what I do and then he ends up feeling bad for making me cry

Meant to say ‘I won’t jump to quick diagnosis’ but I didn’t even write the word !

What kind of things does your partner say to you? Do you feel he treats you well and cares for you?

I’m sorry, it sounds like you’re having a shit time - do vent on here, lots of us will listen and can try and help

He says I’m not an easy person to help or love. I have been so independent my whole life, it’s who I am. My mum had several mental breakdowns when I was a teen and was in and out of hospital so I had to look after myself from then really. No one cared if I smoked, was out all night or whatever. I think that’s why I am the way I am. I’ve never felt worth much to anyone

Our relationship is a funny one, we are usually like old friends more than anything, he’s never ever been tactile or particularly loving and has had his own mental health issues to deal with over the almost 10 years we’ve been together

He says I always find a way to not support him or I find ways to disagree with what he says and in particular it’s mostly to do with the upbringing of the children.

My baby is fairly calm and easy dare I say and he doesn’t sleep too bad, I mean he’s a baby so I’m not getting 8 solid hours a night but because is this I feel I should cope ok and generally I do but I am tearful at the drop of a hat and I often say the wrong thing in times of stress or pressure to upset my partner and therefore cause an argument

And how long have you been feeling depressed and not yourself? Is it just since pregnancy and having your DS or before then - or before you were first with your partner?

I don’t actually think I’m depressed, i am usually ok just I’m more susceptible to low mood/anxiety when I’m tired or hormonal. I know I have negative traits like defensiveness and other stuff, I don’t know how to be anything else

We all have ‘negative traits’, we’re only human Am I right in thinking your upset seems to revolve around arguments with your partner etc though?

Yes exactly

Don't write off depression. I'd suggest keeping an open mind. If you've low mood and anxiety these can be symptoms of depression and you don't have to be low all the time to be depressed.

Has your relationship with your DP always been like this? What ages are your other children?

Someone you can really trust is as good as going to a counsellor! In fact that is the first step in selecting a good person to talk to for you!

This is my first time posting on anything like this! When I read Lahdedahs post I felt I must reach out to that person! I have deep rooted problems too and it has taken me six decades to begin to sort myself out! Life begins at sixty I say!! Lol!!

Do you want to talk us through some of the situations where you argue, as neutrally as you can? Maybe we could help unpick them.

In what way do you think you are defensive (apart from your partner telling you you are)?

I get huge benefit from writing things down!!

Just checking in op - good that your 6 month old is ‘calm and easy’ - that will be so helpful for you going through some ‘wobbles’. It is so often very different as you may well know from your other children !

Thank you everyone for being so supportive. I honestly felt some warmth knowing maybe someone out there cared enough to post for me. I do feel a bit better now. Do you think it’s true to say that women are more hormonal and tearful than men?
I cry at sad stories or films etc and my do wouldn’t find it emotional at all.
I think I may have always been defensive as I remember my dad telling I was when I was living at home in my late teens or early 20’s maybe?
My dp says I don’t support him enough or praise him enough but I do actions to show how I appreciate him and perhaps they go unnoticed?
Today he was trying to get our other dc, 6 year old dd to eat her vegetables and I felt she had eaten enough so said that should be ok and he was saying that she should eat all of it, even the parts she was saying she didn’t like. He then got a bit narky and said he knew i wouldn’t back him and I always disagree for the sake of it and I’m poking him for fun. I honestly do not do this on purpose, I felt that she had eaten 80% of her veg and that was as good as to be expected from her. I know this is petty sounding but it’s one small issue that blow up out of proportion and into an argument where I start to cry and he says I become defensive and self pitying because I’m tearful, I cannot control that things like arguments or whatever make me upset.
I’m probably waffling now. I do feel better after some peace and quiet and a cry

So glad you are feeling a bit better.

I do think women are often (not always) more open about their emotions and show them more readily. We also have a more complex hormonal reality which for some (again not all) can bring emotions to the surface. It’s iften a really good thing and I for one wish more men were better at showing and sharing emotions.

It sounds as though you and your do may have got into some patterns of behaving with each other (most couples do) but right now it reads as though those patterns are not helpful for you.

It’s difficult isn’t it when there is mental health background because it’s important we all do what we can to keep mentally healthy ourselves and help our loved ones to as well. It sounds like that may have just broken down a little and he may have difficulty in supporting you properly - he may not realise quite how his behaviour is affecting you.

Does he have any support for his mental health currently ? Have you ever spoken to your go about finding things tough right now ?

Anyway a good cry does sometimes help. I lost my mother a few weeks ago and her funeral was yesterday. I had a good sob earlier and felt better for it. I also found a lot of support from mn - I have supportive dp and family but it is good to post and feel support and get good advice from strangers - sometimes that’s needed too.

I think it is true to say that SOME woman are more hormonal and tearful than men! But not all women! Some men are more tearful than women!

Hope you’re ok OP. It may be worth starting a new thread in relationships if you think it would be helpful to discuss the arguments you have with your partner. There are some very wise ladies on there