I am at rock bottom

[icanfeelitcomingg]

I have completely had enough. I don't want to have to go through 'life' managing depression. It isn't really a life.

My depression used to come every couple of months, now it never really leaves - I get a couple of good days a month where I feel on top of the world, I am positive, feel like its possibly finally gone, optimistic, make plans and feel free. Then without a doubt it comes back and I spend most hours of the day wishing I would drop dead, struggling not to call in sick, cry, shout at people, or drive into brick walls. I am moody, quiet, irritable because I spend all day faking being normal and trying to get through it. I have no one to talk to, tried that and they either didn't understand or I could tell that I made them uncomfortable.

After years of avoidance I finally told my GP who prescribed ADs but I hated the side effects of them and immediately stopped after a couple of days. I have tried counselling. I feel like DM despises me and must wish I would either stop being so miserable or fuck off out of her life. I feel horrifically guilty. She would be better without me. Family think I'm odd. Friends too because my moods are so up and down. I do not see a future because my moods are simple not stable enough to sustain anything e.g. a relationship.

I absolutely hate myself. Even sustaining exercise and eating well does not keep this at bay. I cannot get round to boxing day 2019 still feeling like this. I am completely broken and I feel so so alone.

You need to give the ad's a proper go, side effects wear off and it's worth it long term to power through the side effects

Sorry that life if so unhappy and difficult at the moment. I would say though that it may be worth going back to the GP and trying meds again. Different meds have different side effects but with most you have to plough through and see if they back a difference. I have been on meds for 2 years and they have made a real difference to me. There is a lot of negativity around meds but sometimes it is the right and/or only option.

Take care

OP I'm so sorry to read this. I don't know what's best to say in these situations but wanted to give you some support.

Christmas is a wretched time when you feel like this. Things will improve from here rock bottom is as low as it goes.

Can you see your GP to look at other anti depressant options, sometimes it takes a while to find one with manageable side effects.

Lighter evenings are on the way.

Well done trying with the eating and the exercise- whatever you can manage will help.

You are not alone OP. There are support groups online and in RL.

Things will improve.

I've been where you are and just wanted you to know you're not alone in this - despite how isolating and overwhelming it feels. I know the side effects of ADs are off-putting but a couple of years down the line I can tell you that a) many of them fade after a few weeks and b) some of the niggly ones (I have a dry mouth, for example) are well worth the sense of equilibrium they help bring to my life. Most take a few weeks to properly kick in and then suddenly you're getting to 10 or 11 in the morning and thinking - oh. This is... Okay? I beg you to give them another try - one might not work for you and you might have to try another, but it would be worth it long term. In the mean time, get yourself on the waiting list for counselling (or pay someone if you can afford to) - having someone who is a professional listener and not a friend I was worried about boring was a huge help, even though it's not like getting shrinked in the movies! Good luck, and my heart goes out to you. It can get better, I promise. X

I think you need to give medication another chance. Even when there are side effects they are mostly short lived and worth it for the benefit they deliver in the long run. Don't give up on everything before giving them another try.

Argh, I'm sorry - I missed that you'd tried counselling. As with antidepressants though, a different counsellor can be the trick!

I felt so ashamed and embarrassed taking ADs. They made me feel like a zombie and gave me insomnia which then made me feel worse. And a part of me does not believe that they even have much of an effect which is not intended to be insensitive to any one.

Op you need to try a different AD and find one which works for you.

I feel like leaving and never coming back. My poor DM having me as a daughter. I just want to die but I dont have the guts.

Xmastummy is right.... you need to persevere with ADs, it can take 6 weeks for them to take full effect, in which time you can feel worse....persevere and good luck....I know how alone you feel but you really aren’t xxxx

What I want to know OP is why feeling like this is preferable to a short time of side effects?

Feeling well means doing the medication run until you find one that works. Then this time next year you may not be feeling the way you are now.

Make a GP appointment tomorrow and keep making them until you've found meds that help. Don't just give up after a couple of days.

If you only took them for two days, then it might be part suggestion- and you can use different brands/types as well. You definitely sound like a good candidate for AD's- the evidence suggests they DO work for more moderate/severe depression, and to be completely honest, it does sound quite awful for you.

ADs may well be the way forward- I can't see how they can be worse than you feel right now, and the side effects will get better over time. The GP will definitely be able to help you.

OP I take anti depressants. Why should I feel ashamed? I take an inhaler for asthma too? I need them both.
You do need to persevere with ADs. Having said that I was prescribed one that I had such a reaction to that I only ever took the one pill. It can take a while to find the right medication and the right dose. But they can be such a help. Without them I can hardly function. With them I feel calmer, more in control, more able to cope with life and actually do things I enjoy.
Please consider going back to the GP.

Because feeling side effects made me more aware that I had reached such a shit low that I needed tablets instead of getting a grip. Because I feel so terrified of being 6 months from now having taken ADs and not feeling any better. And a part of me is so ready to be dead. I dont have the energy anymore.

Wolfie I dont believe you should be ashamed. But i struggle to not feel ashamed when it comes to myself.

Oh OP I feel for you. I felt (stupidly) 'ashamed' for having to take ADs. I felt I was a failure and letting people down. It's honestly the best thing I've ever done. Yes the side effects were a worry the first few days / week but I'm feeling better than I've done in a long, long time and DS has noticed how much more like how I used to be I am now.

Please give them another go - and be kind to yourself

You wouldn’t say the same about a physical illness though. My eczema is so bad i am actually on immunosuppressants. Should I try and get a grip instead?
Imagine if you can feel better. Imagine if the right help gives you the energy to do what you have to inorder to feel better.
It’s the illness that makes you feel like this.

Op. I totally identify with you and am in a similar position. I am recovering from an overdose and totally wanted to die a couple of months ago.

I have had some really Bleackley days the last few weeks and feel similar about going through life feeling depressed. It’s so hard. That empty numb feeling.

I’m also in a mess as dealing with consequences from work. (I overdosed in morning, fuck all happened. Went to work and collapsed. Senior job so suspended and looking at being dismissed) so all this is making me feel even worse.

🤗

I understand what you are all saying and I'm grateful for all your replies. If I try the ADs again I am going to have to ask for some sleeping tablets because the insomnia was unbearable

Hello OP,

We're really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

When you have depression, you can't simply 'get a grip'.

You have an illness that is making you feel this way.

You need medication to help you get better. That is not reaching a shit low, it is getting the help you need.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years, and finally accepted recently that I can't fight it on my own any more. Have recently started ADs and not feeling great with the side effects...... but I know that it is worth persevering for the sake of my family and my own future.

Please reconsider: there is a chemical imbalance in your brain making you feel this way. The sensible and brave and right thing to do is to try again with the ADs. They may take a while to settle, but you have to believe that they may make your future so much better once you get over that initial hurdle.

Lastly, can I recommend Matt Haig'a books - I think How To Stay Alive would really help you right now. Could you download it?

Im so sorry Bottom. How are you feeling now? It really feels so unfair that some us have to struggle with this. I have felt from a young age that I wouldn't see 30 because of my depression and as more time goes on its starting to feel more and more true.

I get you, antidepressants are not the panacea people believe them to be. People always say "get help" but tbh the help is worse than useless.

Have you tried meditation? I'm not in the slightest woo, but it really seems to help me. It's not a cure all, it does to help me reset a bit.

I know what you mean OP. I'm technically not clinically depressed, had fight after with GPs to refer me to a psychiatrist. Even told me that if one day I don't wake up the blood would be in their hands. I was able to self refer myself and at least I understand my condition better. I won't say stay strong or any of that BS. Hopefully things will get better but do get some help

There is this really wonderful me inside. She isnt sickeningly perfect or always optimistic but she surfaces a couple of days a month and enjoys being alive. The rest of the time I am this absolute mess of a person, who gets through the day mentally writing her suicide note.

Is it a chemical imbalance or am I just broken and fucking difficult?