I have completely had enough. I don't want to have to go through 'life' managing depression. It isn't really a life.
My depression used to come every couple of months, now it never really leaves - I get a couple of good days a month where I feel on top of the world, I am positive, feel like its possibly finally gone, optimistic, make plans and feel free. Then without a doubt it comes back and I spend most hours of the day wishing I would drop dead, struggling not to call in sick, cry, shout at people, or drive into brick walls. I am moody, quiet, irritable because I spend all day faking being normal and trying to get through it. I have no one to talk to, tried that and they either didn't understand or I could tell that I made them uncomfortable.
After years of avoidance I finally told my GP who prescribed ADs but I hated the side effects of them and immediately stopped after a couple of days. I have tried counselling. I feel like DM despises me and must wish I would either stop being so miserable or fuck off out of her life. I feel horrifically guilty. She would be better without me. Family think I'm odd. Friends too because my moods are so up and down. I do not see a future because my moods are simple not stable enough to sustain anything e.g. a relationship.
I absolutely hate myself. Even sustaining exercise and eating well does not keep this at bay. I cannot get round to boxing day 2019 still feeling like this. I am completely broken and I feel so so alone.