I think I need to be hospitalised I'm going crazy

[namecch]

Name changed for this.

I had a baby ten weeks ago and I'm struggling. I was antenatally depressed and it's gotten worse since I had him. His dad and I are no longer together and he's horrible, if it weren't for him I doubt I'd feel this bad. The past couple of days I've felt terrible, I feel completely empty like I have 0 serotonin. I'm on 100mg sertraline which I've been on for 7 weeks. I was having some mild hallucinations about a month ago but they've stopped now but sometimes I have periods of about five seconds where I don't know anything e.g. where I am or who I am.

I feel suicidal and the only reason I haven't done anything is because I believe that if I die I'll probably go to hell. But then sometimes I think maybe this is actually hell and everybody around me are just actors. I understand how crazy this sounds. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone this, including the mental health team that I'm under. I have home visits every two weeks. I'm also becoming increasingly anxious.

I harmed myself when I was pregnant (shallow cuts, a tiny bit of blood on a few but nothing major and no scars now) but I haven't harmed myself in three or so months but feel like I'll probably end up doing these scratches/cuts again.

I'm very young but I just can't be bothered to do a lifetime of this. I don't really want to "do" life, I've had enough now. I like DS a lot and feel protective of him but every few weeks or so I have a period of a couple of hours where I get very worked up and angry at him (no idea why) but don't shout or anything and afterwards I feel so guilty. I wish I could just give him to someone else because I just can't be bothered. I know it's terrible.

Do I need to be hospitalised? I think that I probably do but I'm too embarrassed to tell the truth about how I'm feeling. I'm worried that if I'm hospitalised then it's grounds for my ex to say that I'm unfit as a parent (looks like we may be going to court about his contact with DS.

I think you need to see the GP very soon xx

You poor thing. On the positive side you sound like you do have a good idea what's happening and that's a good thing. Do you feel you could call your MH team and ask someone to visit - you could even show them what you've written here if you feel too uncomfortable to talk?

Please go to A&E, sounds like it could be postpartum psychosis or psychosis as a symptom of severe depression at the very least. Either way, it is essential you get help and support. You will get better, this isn't permanent, please seek help. You're not crazy, just unwell lovely xx

Yes I think you do need more help than you're getting. Be honest with the mental health team about how you feel.

Please go to A&E . If your can access this thread on your phone. Just show the triage nurse. She will know what to do.
Please go now. You need help right away.

I'm not going to do anything at the moment and I feel safe right now. I'm not going to harm myself right now. I live with my parents at the moment due to the breakdown of my relationship so I have help with DS.

I don't know why I'm so embarrassed. I'm especially embarrassed to tell my DM who I'm very close with. I don't know why. I feel so stupid

Another call for you to go to A&E. You can just show your original post as it explains things very well and saves you having to talk it all though.

Please don't worry about looking like an unfit parent, not only have you done a brilliant job up to now in very difficult circumstances, but also you know that something is not right and are trying to get help. You couldn't be a better mum, please do not beat yourself up. You are poorly, you need help, after the help you will get better and be so glad you didn't try to struggle though.

There are lots of us hear to listen, but please do go and seek help now.

I know you said you won't do anything right now but psychosis always needs to be treated urgently, if you're having delusional thoughts and hallucinations it sounds like you need extra support urgently. I'd at the very least book an urgent double GP appointment.

A&E is where you need to go, you will see a psych liaison team who will understand everything you are going through. There are also baby & mother MH services where they can help you. You aren’t alone, there are others who have had post partum psychosis and recover well. Pls seek help ASAP, there are services there to help you xxx

Why do I need to go to A&E? I've felt like this for a while now, only the past couple of days I've felt a bit worse.

I know it sounds stupid but I'm too tired to ring anyone or talk to anyone about it I can't be bothered and don't have the energy to brush my teeth, do my hair etc. It's too much effort to go to a&e. I don't think that I need to go. I'm not in danger

I'm mostly worried that this will go against me in terms of my ex having contact with DS

I should have said there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, loads of people have psychotic experiences but never talk about it. Way more common than you think xx

RunSweat are they delusions though? Because I know they're probably not real.

I didn't think of myself as psychotic. I feel like my post has come across worse than things actually are, I know that I probably seem dramatic. I'm not going to do anything right now.

If you feel like ending your life or psychotic then you need help. It won’t go against you, what won’t help is ignoring it & then your MH deteriorating you may be able to nip this in the bud if you seek help now.

Bebe I'm already under the care of a mental health team and on medication so I am getting some form of help x

Not seeking help can often count against you. Putting your child's welfare first and at the same time looking after yourself is to be commended and should count for you. You are showing people that you know how to ask for help and work with support services. This is a positive. If you are already seeing a mental health team letting them know how you are really feeling may help. You are a good mum but not feeling very well at the moment.

Oh good, well done OP- they will be open tomorrow, could you contact them? They be able to review you & make some changes to your treatment x

When DS was around three weeks old and I was hallucinating (only mildly) it took me ages to get the confidence to ring up my MH team and I said I need a sooner appointment and told them how I was feeling and they just said it was anxiety and I had to wait another month for my appointment.

@namecch I agree with others that sharing your post with your MH team might be wise and easier that voicing your concerns outloud as well.

Whilst your concerns about custody of your son are understandable, in my opinion if the parents minimise their struggles for the reasons you state this is actually worse for the children, if you see what I mean?

Ring with your mum tomorrow, you should be priority as you are caring for a young baby x

OP please be honest with your mental health workers about how you are feeling. They should have a number for the Crisis Team, please phone them. I know it’s hard and embarrassing, but I’ve been where you are and you will get better.

My depression was so bad I started having paranoid delusions about people plotting. I battled these thoughts for 5 months, but it was only when I sought help that things started getting a whole lot better. For example, some medications are better for delusions. If you don’t tell them what you’re experiencing, they won’t know to give you the best medication for your symptoms.

If you seek help, it won’t go against you. It will demonstrate that you’re willing to swallow your pride and put the needs of your baby first and baby needs you to be well again.

AsMuch last time I plucked up the courage to call they did absolutely nothing and I just ended up feeling more embarrassed. I'm glad you're doing better now.

Also to add, if there is anyone who can watch your baby for a few hours while you sleep, as that can be a big factor in postnatal depression. There’s a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture.

AsMuch my DM has been helping so that I can get some rest but I just wake up feeling even more tired