I think I need to be hospitalised I'm going crazy

[namecch]

Name changed for this.

I had a baby ten weeks ago and I'm struggling. I was antenatally depressed and it's gotten worse since I had him. His dad and I are no longer together and he's horrible, if it weren't for him I doubt I'd feel this bad. The past couple of days I've felt terrible, I feel completely empty like I have 0 serotonin. I'm on 100mg sertraline which I've been on for 7 weeks. I was having some mild hallucinations about a month ago but they've stopped now but sometimes I have periods of about five seconds where I don't know anything e.g. where I am or who I am.

I feel suicidal and the only reason I haven't done anything is because I believe that if I die I'll probably go to hell. But then sometimes I think maybe this is actually hell and everybody around me are just actors. I understand how crazy this sounds. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone this, including the mental health team that I'm under. I have home visits every two weeks. I'm also becoming increasingly anxious.

I harmed myself when I was pregnant (shallow cuts, a tiny bit of blood on a few but nothing major and no scars now) but I haven't harmed myself in three or so months but feel like I'll probably end up doing these scratches/cuts again.

I'm very young but I just can't be bothered to do a lifetime of this. I don't really want to "do" life, I've had enough now. I like DS a lot and feel protective of him but every few weeks or so I have a period of a couple of hours where I get very worked up and angry at him (no idea why) but don't shout or anything and afterwards I feel so guilty. I wish I could just give him to someone else because I just can't be bothered. I know it's terrible.

Do I need to be hospitalised? I think that I probably do but I'm too embarrassed to tell the truth about how I'm feeling. I'm worried that if I'm hospitalised then it's grounds for my ex to say that I'm unfit as a parent (looks like we may be going to court about his contact with DS.

I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s rubbish. As a new Mum you should be seen as a priority, but when you’re unwell you’re in no place to stand up for yourself. Do you have a family member or friend who can badger them for you? Alternatively please contact PANDAs, they’ll have local support services to help speak up for you too x

The team I'm under are specifically for those with perinatal mental health issues. I live ten minutes away from a mother and baby unit. I'm too embarrassed to tell my mum

Are you actively suicidal or are your thoughts more around suicidal ideation? To put it bluntly, have you plans to harm yourself, or is it more a case of you'd be happy if you went to sleep and never woke up again?

Both need help, both feelings are entirely valid, but one is an emergency and the other is not.

On what you've said I don't think A&E is the place for you, nor a bed on an acute mental health unit. When are you next due to see your mental health team?

Bombardier Right now I don't know what I am. The past week or so I've been thinking about how I'll do it and have written a note but the fear of going to hell is stopping me. Today I don't know how I feel. I suppose yes I just feel like I hope I'm in a car crash or something like that.

I don't know when I'm due to see them. I was meant to have a home visit on Monday last week but cancelled because I was physically unwell and haven't been contacted about rearranging yet.

Give them a call tomorrow to rearrange the appointment, they could be waiting to hear from you.

Suicidal ideation is a common symptom of depression, it's nothing to be ashamed of and it's something the CPN will hear patients talk about every day. If those thoughts do change to actively wanting to hurt yourself then that is the time to call 999 or the crisis team.

I'm too embarrassed.

Have you posted about this before op x

No I've never posted about this before. I feel stupid to but don't really know how else to talk about it other than anonymously

How do I delete a thread?

I've been hospitalised and had postpartum psychosis twice. I think yours sounds like severe postnatal depression, and you need to be honest with your MH team or HV.
If you feel silly write it all down and let them read it. If you're considering SH, then it's bad enough not to feel stupid. PM me if you like x

Don't delete it OP. You will get good support here. Nobody knows you, so you can vent. I only asked about previous posts as there was a woman asking similar a few weeks back.
I think you do need help, women will be able to help you here who've been through this.

I want to delete as I feel this won't help. I feel like an idiot.

Please tell your mental health team what’s going on. Do you have a psychiatric nurse assigned to you or someone who is in charge of your care?

You’re not an idiot, what’s happening to you is horrible but you’re not alone, there are lots of others who have been through the same.

Yes but I don't have her number and can't find the other numbers she gave me. I only have the switchboard of the hospital

Google for your local crisis team. Either call them today and read out what you've written above, or tomorrow call the team you're under and speak to someone even if your allocated worker is not there.

You MUST tell them everything you wrote above. They need to know what you're experiencing so they can give you the right treatment and support.

If you went to your gp with a physical health problem, they'd expect to know all your symptoms to be able to diagnose and treat you, yes? Same with mental health.

The worrying thing in your post is thinking your in hell and people are acting.

I've been at that point it can get very bad, very quickly your clearly self aware now but you can't guarantee that will last.

I have presented at A+E I've been hospitalised more then once and I have called the police and family when the voices got worse and I was scared for my sake and my DC.

All my DC live with me, there's never been any talk of them being removed even at my worst family have stepped in temporarily while I've been hospitalised and got better.

I'm so sorry psychosis is horrible I wouldn't wish it on anyone

@namecch Do you have a friend or family member whom you can ask to help you? [flowers[

You're not an idiot, you're horribly ill. It sounds really scary and overwhelming.
Poor you x

Can you show your mum this thread? You are not stupid or overreacting. Thoughts and feelings can come in waves so you might have moments of clarity and then not. I wish you lots of support xxxxx

Thank you everyone. I'm feeling a lot better than I was earlier. I'll call the mental health team tomorrow but think I was just having a wobble.

These things won't go away though OP, it isn't just a bad day, you are ill. So please do call them tomorrow. If you call the crisis team they will get in touch with the perinatal team first thing tomorrow who will then contact you.
You can google the local crisis team or 111 will get you the number.

Please tell them your thoughts about hell and actors. The problem is that when you are very unwell, you can’t see things objectively. I promise you, it is important that the perinatal team understand you are having these thoughts while on Sertraline. They will be able to get you medication that makes you feel better.

If they don't already know about the scratches, don't tell them. It can cause them to become prejudiced against you and won't get you any extra help.

And stop doing them — if you must do something like that, make it something that doesn't do damage. I know right now you probably feel it doesn't matter if you permanently damage yourself but you WILL regret it. Even if your current scratching isn't leaving scars, cutting can be addictive and get deeper over time.

With everything else, tell them everything. They'll know what to do. And you're very unlikely to be put in hospital.

Could be post partum psychosis. You aren’t alone. You won’t lose your son. You’re being sensible recognising this isn’t good. Sending strength