baby when DH has MH

[bigfootfred]

would you plan a child when one of you has serious MH? We'd only have one to make it more manageable.

No I wouldn't.

Sorry posted too soon. I would worry it would put too much of a strain on them and the relationship. Wishing you all the best though.

Definitely not, sorry.

I have a 17 week old with DH who has borderline personality disorder. He generally copes well but it hasn't been easy. He really hasn't been able to be an effective parent or supportive partner because he finds it too hard if DD won't settle. He might play with her for 10mins which she loves but to her he's a play mate rather than an equal parent. However that doesn't mean that either of us regret having her. She's fab and the little things that she does bring a real joy to DH - her first smile, giggle, fart in the bath. I'll be dropping down to 3 days a week when I to back to work to account for taking on responsibility for childrearing despite being the higher earner. We agreed this as there is also a certain amount of him 'catching' some of his MH issues from his mother and her catastrophising emotionally abusiveways and he wants to make sure that the same doesn't happen to DD.

You need to consider if you have the strength to effectively be a single parent some days when your partner simply can't be there for you in the way that you need. Also think about the finances. DH is having yet another period of time off of work and has been prescribed antidepressants. He's on SSP whilst I'm on mat leave but I always have money squirreled away.

I think it would depend what their MH condition was, how well they managed it, what their triggers were, what kind of support network you both had in place, local service provision etc. I think having a baby puts a strain on most people’s MH - sleep deprivation, coming to terms with the responsibility & new identity, and making room for a new person in the relationship is a lot to deal with, especially if your resilience is low to begin with.

Depends on how well his illness is managed.
Depends on lots of things.

I have a 7 month old baby with someone who was diagnosed bipolar at a young age (refused meds) now said to be diagnosed with adjustment disorder (I don't believe to be correct) as he ticks more boxes for bipolar and admits this himself. And to say the least it's the most challenging thing EVER. Our relationship has understandably broke down but him being unstable and demanding the baby is the most draining part. If he was willing to be honest and get the proper help we wouldn't be in this situation.

No. Not fair on the child.

Just to add. If ex was then, who he is now, there wouldn't be a baby that's for sure.

Only you the extent of his mh issues, how each thing affects him.
A young baby takes a lot of your time, especially if there a bad sleeper or have colic. Night feeds.

Then when there few months old you have to constantly entertain them in between naps, which when there are napping you have to catch up on things you can’t manage whilst entertaining them, Hoover, cleaning, food preparation , bottles made in advance etc etc.

If DP isn’t well enough to help, this lands on you and it can be exhausting.

Such issues are strongly heritable - consider carefully how fair it is to inflict that on a child.

I think a lot of this is true for any issue. Would you have a baby with someone with a physical condition that could affect their ability to parent or could be inherited. Equally there are a lot of environmental factors that affect MH onset.

does this mean I would be selfish to want a child?

I'm a mother with a serious MH issue. I manage it just as I would a physical health condition. No one who knows me in a parenting capacity would ever guess I have this disorder.

Does your DH manage his condition? Because he should, whether he's a parent or not. Does he know how to limit his symptoms, or prevent them interfering with everyday life? Would the child be in any way impacted by his condition?

He's currently in a bad phase so is working on getting better & getting some proper help now because he wants to be well.
I think he manages well but I notice that he cannot be present as much as I would like etc. A child might notice when he is having a 'bad' patch but hopefully otherwise not.

I grew up with a mum with MH and physical issues and I have turned out well and although didn't always get on with mum as an adult I do now and appreciate all she's overcome to bring us up

Then that gives you a good idea of where you stand. He should be focussing on his wellness right now and whether you then go on to have children or not, you will have a husband you don't have to worry about as much, and he will be more comfortable on a day-to-day so everybody wins.

I do understand about the not feeling present. I have dissociative identity disorder so believe me I get it! Dissociation is really tricky but luckily children just don't really let you. My child is the biggest grounding method out there. We have places we can go, ie children's groups, the library, if I'm not particularly with it- only started therapy when she was born- but haven't needed to rely on those for a good while now and am known ironically for being one of the more 'together' mums!

If you prime everything as ready as you can be for the baby, there's no reason you cannot think about it later down the line, especially as to contradict PP slightly not all mental illness is hereditary.

I don't think you realise the amount of strain having a partner with MH issues puts on you until they are gone. I've never felt relief like it when I broke up with my ex and I wouldn't have listed it as a major problem at the time. Add a young child for that and you are really going to be risking your own MH.

I don't think it's selfish to want one but I might reconsider who with....

Sorry but I think you're being selfish.

Can I just say, everyone has “mental health”. I think you mean mental health conditions/problems/illness?

But it really does depend on the condition and how it’s managed. From what you’ve said, no I wouldn’t.

You should consider what you want from your life and make a decision that’s right for you

I grew up with a mum with MH and physical issues and I have turned out well and although didn't always get on with mum as an adult I do now and appreciate all she's overcome to bring us up

So did I. It was awful and has left scars throughout my life.

It's not selfish to want a child; but it may well be selfish to want a child with him. You have no idea whether their childhood would be like yours or like mine. We'd both hope that you'd find a way to cope and your child would be happy and carefree; of course, but that might not be true. You'd need to assess which is more likely but I suspect you know that the child would be affected; or you wouldn't be concerned.

Is there anything he could do to be more stable? What do his medical professionals think? How well managed is his condition really - how many bad periods does he have and can he predict and lessen them?

I think there are a lot of harsh “blanket” replies above, when it absolutely completely depends on the person, their condition and how they manage it, what other support you have etc etc.

I would say wait til he is in a stable place and is managing his condition well. Have coping strategies in place, try to prepare as much as possible for the realities of having a child and how they’re likely to affect him and you.

I have had a child with someone with anxiety and depression. He was in a good place when we had our baby but the stresses and strains of caring for a small baby (and moving house! Not our best planning!!) put him into a bad place. He had a very scarily bad episode but has managed it well. Yes it is exhausting when he is struggling with his MH but I don’t for a second regret having our DD together.

He is a great dad and she adores him, she’s very stable, happy, lovely. I don’t think you’re any more selfish than any other parent! It just needs some serious planning and putting safety nets in place (eg support for you too).

I would also say maybe make it clear that you will remove yourself and child from the situation if he is not managing his condition and / or refusing to accept he needs help at any given time. Make sure he takes full responsibility for himself and his mental well-being and that he knows your number one priority will be the child.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

As another PP said, we all have Mental health. What counts is how you maintain / troubleshoot it!

What would you call a serious mental health problem? This lady hasn't specified what her parter is diagnosed with or what/if he received treatment. As someone who does suffer with a mental health problem, I would love a child and I have never once been advised against it by doctors or family

Also keep in mind that the most stable person can become mentally unwell. All those saying how selfish you would be should consider that their partner may have a genetic pre-disposition to mental health issues that hasn't been diagnosed or caused an issue yet. Add a bereavement, serious accident, stressful time at work and suddenly they could have a host of new conditions. I believe it's 1 in 3 of us that suffer from mental health issues in our life. Are we really saying that 1/3 of the population shouldn't have children?

The big question for any of us is could be cope on our own if we had to?. If our partner left, died or become unwell. If no then don't have kids. Simples.

You live through this yourself as a child why would you want the same for your child ?

Yes it's selfish and no I would never consider it

I have CPTSD. I've had a lot of therapy and I mostly control it well. I'm also 25 weeks pregnant. We have an excellent support network of people who will support us in our parenting/childcare. I don't think my child is going to be any more messed up than any one elses