Please or to access all these features

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

baby when DH has MH

44 replies

bigfootfred · 11/12/2018 13:27

would you plan a child when one of you has serious MH? We'd only have one to make it more manageable.

OP posts:
veggiepigsinpastryblankets · 12/12/2018 15:38

Some massive overreactions on here when the OP hasn't even said what the mental health issues in question are!

I plan to have a child with my bipolar husband. He's got a diagnosis, a crisis plan (to date not needed) and medication that keeps him level, he's able to work, and most people wouldn't know there was anything wrong with him. I don't see why on earth we shouldn't have a baby and frankly some of the comments here are offensive in their underlying assumptions.

Mrsbrooks1 · 12/12/2018 15:38

@blackcat86 well said. It's like saying people with any other illness shouldn't be so selfish as to have children. People with a heart defect, or profound arthritis or are even blind!! These are all conditions that could affect a child and its other parent.

Mrsbrooks1 · 12/12/2018 15:39

Here here @veggie!!

fluffums · 12/12/2018 15:41

I've had a child with someone who has MH issues, and it made our situation very very difficult! I would not recommend it but of course it depends entirely on the individuals involved.

Auntiepatricia · 12/12/2018 15:41

No, in an ideal world where my wants and emotions wouldn’t override the needs of a child and our family as a whole, I think I wouldn’t have a child. But life doesn’t work like that usually.

Auntiepatricia · 12/12/2018 15:42

And how the MH manifests is critical here. That would be the biggest decider.

Magpiefeather · 12/12/2018 16:20

Yes @veggie !

NotANotMan · 12/12/2018 16:23

I wouldn't, because I would expect it to be extremely difficult, more difficult than being a completely lone parent at times. It would potentially be a lifetime of work to protect the child from the father's MH issues and really not worth the risk that the child wouldn't grow up seriously impacted.

MarilynSlumroe · 12/12/2018 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerfectPeony · 12/12/2018 16:28

No sorry OP. A family member had a very serious mental health breakdown the day their child was born, and it has been very difficult for him to say the least. He’s a great Dad but it probably would have been better if they’d waited a while.

I would wait until he is more stable. Obviously I don’t know what issues he say but my family member had schizophrenia- it can be managed with medication though and I’m confident he will be able to lead a normal life with some additional support. He’s a lovely Dad and loves his children.

MarilynSlumroe · 12/12/2018 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilburforceRaven · 12/12/2018 16:40

Nope. Not fair on the child.

Mrsbrooks1 · 12/12/2018 16:42

Are we not all on here because we have some sort of mental health problem that we need to talk about? Are none of us stable enough to have families? Are all of our children destined to be destroyed by us because we have an illness? Honestly I can not believe the lack of support this thread has gotten from people who are here trying to get well and live normal lives

PerfectPeony · 12/12/2018 17:02

I agree MrsBrooks, with the right support there’s no reason people with MH can’t be wonderful parents.

Loopytiles · 12/12/2018 17:10

What does HE think?

What kind of and how serious a MH issue is it? Is he able to hold down a job? For example, I have an anxiety issue that affects me, which being a parent hasn’t helped, am able to work, parent OK, and although am sure my behaviour at times has some negative impact on my DC they seem OK so far. A friend’s DH has a history of depression and has had difficult times and works PT, but again is a decent parent.

Would you feel confident in his ability to parent alone for some of th time, eg if you were asleep or out? How is DH with sleep deprivation and under stress?

How is your own health, physically and mentally? (Since you may have to do more than your fair share).

Orangecake123 · 12/12/2018 18:14

For me as the one with mental health issues- It would depend on the severity of his condition and if he was fully engaged in treatment which might just be either taking medications and attending psychotherapy sessions or both.

Bombardier25966 · 12/12/2018 18:23

For those saying no, what about women with mental health issues, what about people with physical disabilities?

And what counts as serious mental illness?

SexNotJenga · 12/12/2018 18:34

Some questions to consider, even if you don't feel comfortable answering them here:

What form of mental illness is he suffering from? What are the symptoms? How do they impact on him and on you at the moment? What treatment has he received in the post and what is he receiving now? How well is it working?

Has he ever harmed himself or anyone else? Had he any plans to do so? Does he smoke, drink to excess or use drugs?

Is he in work? Are you in work? What support networks do you and he have?

There are a huge number of complexities to consider. Situations can be very, very different. Someone who has suffered badly in the past but who has engaged fully with treatment, made good progress, is in a steady job and has solid friends and family connections to back them up is a very different prospect to someone who is poorly but doesn't want to seek help, can't work, is isolated from friends and family and has a recent history of self harm and assault on others.

1 in 4 of us experience mental health problems in our lives. The vast majority manage to be good parents, despite the stresses and changes that a child brings. Whether now is the right time is a judgement call, however.

I would be concerned that if he can't be present as much as you would like now, then it's very unlikely he's in a position to be a supportive partner/father. I think I would advise waiting until he's fully present and enthusiastic, then giving it another 6 months to make sure he's really in a stable place.

How would he cope on 3 hours sleep a night? How would he manage if traumatised by seeing you give birth, and then he had to be main carer for the baby if you weren't able to? How would you manage with the baby if he were to have another bad episode? Do either of you have difficult parent to add to the mix? I'm not saying these things to say that you shouldn't do it, but you should be aware of and try to plan for such eventualities.

bigfootfred · 12/12/2018 21:17

Thanks everyone lots to think about we won't be trying for a baby for a while I was just trying to think carefully

He is engaging with support etc and they know we are hoping to have a baby and see no problem with it

We wouldn't consider baby until stable etc and we have family and friend support it's just we're not getting any younger

He manages his MH well it's just the depression means he misses out on life which makes him sad and he gets upset seeing me sad and struggling because I miss how he used to be

We are married so this is it for me I wouldn't leave him over this if he's not well enough we won't have a baby that's something we'd have to accept

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page