Suicidal Thoughts Getting Really Bad

[PankyE]

I had a PTSD relapse about 18 months ago and a few months back, I was re-diagnosed with complex PTSD. I'm seeing a psychotherapist for it and it's dragged up a lot of very traumatic stuff from my whole life and it's brought back memories of stuff I'd blocked out.

As a result I've been extremely vulnerable and when I get overwhelmed, all I can think about is ending it.

Today, I was extremely triggered reading a statistic that 1 in 35 UK men have paedophilic tendancies.

I cried uncontrollably about this and ended up planning how, when and where I'm going to do it. I don't actually want to die and cause suffering to my family and loved ones. But these thoughts are getting very common now. I just imagine falling asleep and never waking up.

I daren't tell anyone about this. I just feel crippled with fear and want it to stop.

I'm so tired and can't see a way out.

Didnt want to read and run.
I just want you to know you are not alone and things will get better. So sorry you read that awful news.
Please call samaritans or a friend. Don’t face this alone. Things can get better

Please see your doctor on monday or go to a&e if you feel out of control. Please speak to someone.

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like this. It really sounds like you need some support.
Please call the Samaritans on 116 123
They really will have heard similar concerns before and would not judge

I'm really sorry that you're feeling like this. I have been in a similar place over the last few weeks and I can relate to everything you've said. If you can't keep yourself safe for tonight, please go to A&E. Just take it minute by minute; it will get better I promise.

I understand 100% currently sat in ED after a horrendous flashback that drive me to OD on my meds

Just hang on - it gets better I promise.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other posters will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

Thank you.
I am just so scared all the time and feel so powerless. I've been raped 5 times in my life and was abused as a girl.

I've always had a really positive outlook on life but now I just feel so exhausted. There's so much scary stuff in the news and everything triggers me. I daren't use changing rooms anymore, scared of people in the street. I wrote to my MP to let him know about my concerns about unisex spaces and he didn't even reply. It took me 3 days to write the letter and it was just ignored.

I'm just not coping. Not at all. I fear that if I get too overwhelmed, nothing will stop me at all, because I lose all sense of myself. It's so scary. I cried this afternoon, thinking of how much I'd hurt people if I was gone but at the same time, felt there was no other choice.

I have nightmares all the time too. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Not at all. I just want to feel safe.

OP I'm so sorry to hear about this, as MNHQ have said the Samaritans are so good in situations like this, but if it helps you to write it down no matter what it is to help you get through the tough times we're here for you, even though we may not be professionals our ears are here, and you are not alone

I am at the point where I feel I've come to the end. I feel so tired and my heart is broken.
I don't feel like I have much longer left. I am looking forward to falling asleep.
I'm so tired of being scared all the time. I haven't got any energy left.
I'm trapped. I don't see any other way.
I got away from an abusive relationship in 2011. Worked so hard for 2 years on myself. Then raped in 2013. Friends didn't believe me. The police said 'some women just like rough sex'.
I have a phobia of men now. I'm scared to go places on my own. I don't trust myself or anyone else. I'm scared I will be raped again. I have nightmares all the time.
I used to be a fun person.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I'm so scared

Hello Panky.

I am a crisis counsellor and your phrasing is ringing alarm bells. I can see you are hurting, and you are scared, and that you no longer feel you are able to cope with your fear of men abusing you again. This is completely understandable in your situation and it's a lot to deal with on your own.

You've shown great strength to reach out and talk about it, even if it is just online for now. But it's really important that you are able to get help in real life too.

You desperately need some professional help. You don't have to be alone. Is there anyone you are able to talk to about this at home?

Please keep talking. You really don't need to feel this way forever and there are other ways out of your situation than how you are feeling. Let's help get you the help you deserve. Xx

116 123 - number for the Samaritans. You can call or text 24 hours a day.

No judgement, just support.

[Edited by MNHQ at poster's request]

Have you tried EmDR therapy. It's really good for PTSD. Please look into it. You can get through this x

I am sorry. Genuinely. I do have a psychotherapist whom I see on Wednesdays. It's new so it's still early and still giving her all the info.
I'm struggling to speak properly at the moment. Sorry. I'm feeling very confused.
I'm so ashamed.
Is there a way to get over this? Ive tried writing in my journal, but my thoughts are terrifying me.

There's no need to apologise. You are going through a tough time. It can be exhausting dealing with mental illness, and what you are going through is certainly exhausting.

Having a psychotherapist is a great start, but it takes time for people to feel better. Talking helps a lot.

In the past, how have you handled times when you have felt you can no longer continue? Is there someone you speak to who helps you through the hardest moments? Or is there anything you can do that helps clear your head? Some people find journaling helps, but it could be going for a walk (which may not be helpful if you are scared to go out), listening to music, playing games. Literally anything to get you out of the really bad patch you are going through right now.

People can, and have, recovered from feeling suicidal, but it does take time. I strongly urge you to contact the Samaritans if you feel you cannot cope anymore.

You're doing great to be open to talking through things. It takes strength to get through the day when you feel so desperately low.

You have nothing to be ashamed about OP

Hey PankyE how are you feeling this morning?

I think it might be a good idea to show your psychotherapist this thread or at least give them some of the information you have shared with us here. Psychotherapy when one has PTSD can make these types of feelings worse in the short term, and if the therapist is aware what is happening they can help you for example by slowing things down a bit. At least my therapist does anyway.

I had a massive breakdown in 2010.I sincerely believed that my carpet was full of beatles that had metal spikes on thier heads...I painted a pathway on my carpet from my chair to the bathroom...The point I want to make ( just an opinion ) is ,what ever you do you do it because you think its right and it will work,so, unless your hurting someone else by your actions your only trying to defend yourself so there is no shame.You cannot condem yourselves for your actions/solutions..You have to realise that your mind is in defensive mode....Its like being alone in a forest in the dark....you will hear every sound no matter how low it is,every twig snap,every leaf movement..So when you are in crisis you will think of the most bizzare things to protect yourself.If you think about it you are actually thinking in a very intelligent and creative way...Lets face it you would not have these ideas if you were not in that situation....When I felt a bad 1 coming on I would count grains of rice and for someone,supposedly round the bend,it was a good stratergy because if you were in the right state of mind and you couldnt pay the rent you would panic......So who is the weak one. its not you

Sorry i am not trained so may sound stupid but hang in there OP. As said already maybe show these posts to your doctor tomorrow and your journal. We are all behind you. You have nothing to be ashamed about, you are brave.

Please do not apologise. I hope you have sought some help. You need to get better, and you will xx