I think it’s time to ask for help.

[BinJuice]

I am struggling a bit at the moment. I’ve always been prone to bouts of depression. I think I’m a bit of an arsehole really - I’m stubborn and not very good at admitting I’m wrong (only with DP though. In all other situations I assume others know best). I’m also quite bitter and not very good at being happy with what I’ve got, and instead get sad or jealous at what others have.

The thing that has prompted me to realise I need help is my temper lately. Today I threw the remote on the floor and smashed it because I was so infuriated with 3yo DS. He can’t be seeing me like that so I need to do something about it. I don’t know what to do.

We’ve been TTC for 2.5 years and we only have one more cycle before we give up. I’m sure this isn’t helping but it’s not all of it.

I need to sort myself out somehow.

Bump

Anyone?

I'm here, not sure what I'm going to say but didn't want to leave you hanging!

First port of call would prob be your GP I guess.

Or do you have private healthcare? If you can afford some private counselling, that could be very helpful at trying to work out what your triggers are for anger and then dealing with the root cause.

Why were you angry? Can you work it back..

With me, it's generally because I have a schedule or agenda I have decided that must happen today. Or else. Not sure what the Or Else is but it's what drives my anxiety.

Then when something interrupts my schedule - or risks throwing it out of line (eg child too slow to do something or daydreaming or pasta over cooking or phone ringing or traffic jam etc etc) then I just flip out.

What I'm trying to do is lessen my iron rod grip on life and everything in it and live more for the moment so there ARE no plans that are being affected - this is just what it is and it doesn't matter.

Thank you for your reply. It was about timing, I was trying to get to nursery and work and he was screaming at me when I tried to get him dressed. Then we both just got more and more worked up.

On a very practical note then, I choose to set my alarm 30 mins before kids get up. I have a cup of hot (!) tea and do some lightweight meditation - just thinking about the day and consciously letting go of anxiety and self imposed stress.

That makes it much easier for me to face the morning mayhem.

As well as the anger, are there any other symptoms you're worried about?

Just very short as baby waking up, but a support network of health visitors and community mental health has been great for giving me a safe place to talk. Also, Sertraline has been life changing, particularly in terms to f having more patience for two under two.

Geoff I think something like meditation would help perhaps. For dealing with my temper I need a way to stop for a second or two before letting it out because I’m just flying off the handle and then I’m fine. If I can control the remote-throwing impulse I’ll be a lot calmer. Any tips?

I’ve thought about medication HelpMe. I’ve rejected the idea for years, perhaps because I don’t want to be dependent on it. But perhaps it’s time.

Thank you both, this is helping.

I tend to feel angry inside (& @ myself) rather than on the outside ifykwim, but I found the app headspace helped me a lot, combined with yoga, running & swimming (+therapy & eventually ADs). Sending positive thoughts! X

I get angry at myself too, lots of self hatred.

See your GP. Your story sounds like me 18 months ago. I've been on ADs since, I've had periods where I lowered the dose and other times where I've had to increase again but it's a learning curve as I start to understand my own triggers and how to prempt that. I'll come off them one day but for now it's working.

Love your username OP!

At times where I've felt like this, I go on to you tube and find some calming breathing techniques, they really help. I practice them in the car when I'm not feeling like it, so I've got them nailed for when I am.

Also, you don't need to see your GP anymore, unless you want to of course, you can self refer. Im in the process of doing this, so don't have much experience with how long it takes or how helpful it is. But worth a shot

www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/hospitals/nhs-e-referral-service/

@BinJuice you could try the Headspace app as something you can start immediately while waiting for GP etc.

I definitely think focusing on general 'levelling out' rather than building to crescendos - which result in anger - helped me.

So meditation, breathing, yoga, exercise... all these things help me feel like I'm more in control, I get me time and can feel better in general that I am living a good life. I also try to do lots of random acts of kindness and gratitude lists which all contribute to a general sense of well being and build self confidence to quiet some of that internal anger.

I also try to be more rational / logical about what really matters and what it's worth getting wound up about - the answer is surprisingly little when you really look at it.

Kid won't put a coat on? They get cold, not the end of the world. Carry coat instead.

I'm running late? Oh well I know I did my best and sometimes these things just happen. I apologise, of course, and make sure I allow stupid amounts of time next time, but don't go nuclear over it.

DH not doing what he said, oh well, not the end of the world, either I'll do it or it won't get done. He's not my employee, it's up to him. (Disclaimer - DH is awesome, so generally we have a good balance which makes it easier for me to ignore the mud prints through the house, the washing left festering in the machine or consistently being half an hour late home! I just stopped trying to time things around his arrival then I didn't get cross as we just carried on!)

Definitely worth starting with a chat with a GP. You can also self refer for counselling & talking therapies in my area so maybe check out that option too.

I’ve downloaded the Headspace app, thank you for the recommendation. I agree, it’s ‘levelling out’ I need.

I’m a bit concerned about talking therapy, partly because I’ve never been able to talk to people about how I’m feeling but also because I know a few people who work in mental health around here and I really don’t want them to know, or to end up seeing my file.

On a practical level, various organisations offer free or low cost therapy which you may be able to access if you can't afford private (which is another way of choosing your therapist and ensuring anonymity). Try Mind, & Anxiety UK as starting points. I have a relative who got 1 year of therapy for £10 / session with someone who was still completing their training and found it very helpful. I got similar support when I was a student.
Of course if anyone you know saw your file I would hope their code of conduct would ensure your confidentiality, though I understand your concern.
In terms of (really) opening up to people I completely agree & have found it generally only happens when I'm at breaking point & completely desperate. But I've had sone really good experiences with kind and sympathetic therapists who were able to help. The NHS waiting list can be very long so it's not a bad idea to at least get yourself on it & then when a spot becomes available you can decide whether to accept it (or even have 1 session to see if you like the person). I believe there are also online courses of therapy you can do via email : text message so these could be worth exploring.

An online one sounds great, I’ll look into that.

I trust that anyone I know would be professional about it but I’d still rather they not know. I suppose I could express those concerns to the GP perhaps. How did your relative find the training therapist?

I went to the doctor today and I’m now on ADs.

That's a very positive step well done.

From what I've read, they can take a few weeks to kick in - plus different people react better to some than others so don't see this as a works / doesn't work thing, just a first step in the process.

Keep up with any kind of self care, meditation or just deep breathing whilst you get through this next stage.

Thank you. It helps a bit to talk on here about it.

How are you getting on OP?
What ADs did the GP advise?

I'm in a similar position and think I've hit breaking point. All I seem to do is shout at my DD(5) and I'm really struggling to get back into work mindset after redundancy. All confidence has been lost.

Idunno I’m on 10mg Citalopram.

I was made redundant a few years ago too. God it's so awful, isn’t it? Are you planning to see the doctor?