Sexual abuse by close family member.....

[nameanon]

Have name changed for this, to protect my identity as you never know who could be reading it.

I was sexually abused by my brother from age 8 - 10, this included full rape.

My brother was 13 - 15yo (5 yrs older than me), the problem i have is i still see him regularly and act as though nothing happened and always have, the thing that upsets me the most is that my parents both know about this and have choosen to ignore it and carry on as normal. I grew up thinking it was a kind of normal brother/sister thing, and everytime this happened my mum would be in the next room or downstairs.

Do you think my brother should be excused of this because he was young?

Most of the time i don't even think about it, but sometimes i get so down because my parents have obviously chosen to completely disregard it.

After some opinions really, i told my parents years after it happened.

counselling - then you can clarify things for yourself and find out what you want to do.

MC...Does counselling actually help though? it is my parents, and the fact that they obviously just don't give a toss that is upsetting me the most tbh.

Actually atm i am seriously thinking of cutting the lot of them out of my life, i do not want my dd around him at all, and my mum and dad have always thought more of him than me, i think they see me as a burden as i have 2 young children.

The fact that you believe your parents don't give a toss and you are a parent yourself means that counselling would help - to help you assess and review your relationship to your childrne in light ogf the disregard your parents have for you.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry.

It's so hard when you have been put through something like this and the people who should have protected you not only didn't but also refuse to acknowledge that it even happened.

I still see my abuser regularly. Although I can smile and pretend to have a 'normal' relationship with him and the rest of my family, being anywhere near him makes my skin crawl. The thought of him touching my DS (even in a perfectly 'normal' grandparent-type way makes me feel physically sick.

There are a few other threads where people discuss what happened to them and how reporting the abuse, even decades later, has been for them. It might be an idea to have a look at these, if you feel up to it. They don't make pleasant reading so, if you are feeling bad maybe wait a while before you have a look. Here they are, just in case:

childhood sexual abuse

Reporting abuse

Support thread

In the meantime, please take care of yourself and your LO

xxx

KerryMum...Nope he has never apologised or acknowledged it at all, in fact some days i think it must have all been a bad dream as no one else seems to act like anything happened...

I guess what i am most frightened of is the fact if it came to the scrunch i am fairly certain my parents would side with him

He lives away from home, but comes back regularly and my mum does the full red carpet treatment for him and his son.

I also think my soul is destroyed already by this and other issues i have dealt with in my life, FGS i am only 26YO and a emotional wreck most of the time, also once this abuse had stopped (he obviously felt guilty) my best friends dad's friend (confusing) decided i was easy pickings (he was 60+ yo i was 12 YO) and decided to sexually abuse me too.

The only thing that has made me feel that life is worth living is my children, who are both the light of my life.

I didn't tell a soul until i after i was in a abusive (physical) relationship got pg while on the pill, and had a termination.

I ended up having a nervous breakdown and told my parents then, this was in 2001.

Anyone else who can give some advice, or anything?

Do your parents believe you?

Yes they believe me, but have not mentioned it since, nor has anything changed.

for you, not really sure how you can deal with them but you should do whatever you need to do to make yourself better eg. counselling or stopping contact

Cut them out of your life and if you can find it within yourself, report all the abuse to the police. Even if it goes no further than just reporting it, it is the right thing to do and there will be a record of what happened.

Do you have someone like a partner or friend to support you through all of this?

So sorry to hear your story. I was abused by a family member when I was v.young. My abuser has since died so I don't ever have to see him. I never told anyone until a few years ago when I was older. You may feel better if you talk to someone trained in dealing with abuse, such as childline. Also as your abusers are still alive could they be doing this to other children? Maybe if you get help and advice of proffesionals then you may want to speak to the police. Remember you are not a victim you are a survivor and have suceeded in being a good parent, where your parents have sadly failed.
best wishes YOU WILL feel better one day, keep moving forward don't look back.

nameanon, your post has really freaked me out as i could have written you post word for word i never thought anyone else had "experienced" the same kind of abuse, ie brother. Sorry dont know what to say, feel free to caontact me if you need to talk about it!

Sorry the only difference is that NO ONE in my family knows about the abuse or who by. I have a lot of guilt still hanging around, i am 21 and starting to deal with it, i can't let him ruin my life and neither can you!

I am so sorry, nameanon. Hope you work out want you want/need to do.

Just wanted to post to answer your point about your brother's age being a reason to excuse what he did. It is NOT. I teach Yr 10 and 11 boys (14-16 yr olds) and they are all well aware of what is right, and what is appropriate, and what is completely unacceptable. They know what rape is and they know that it is wrong. Don't excuse him on the grounds of his age.

I have my dh who knows about it all.

Babybuttercup...Sorry to hear you have/are going through all this too, it is horrible playing happy families with someone that did something like this to you, i kept it quiet for a long time because i didn't want to upset my mum, guess she not upset by it anyway eh

Most of the time i am fine, but every few months it gets to me yet again, i asked about the age of my brother as i wonder how the police would view this? as he was a minor when the offence was committed...not sure on that one!

My brother has been on a self destruct mission for many years (drugs etc) and sometimes i do wonder if maybe this is why? maybe he does feel guilt about it all...who knows

My parents lack of reaction is what has upset me the most actually, i cannot believe they know about this yet nothing has changed, actually it is almost like they think more of him since i told them think i am going to cut them out of my life, then i won't be a burden to them no more, but then i try and look at it from another view, what would i do if i found out my son had done this to my* daughter...

What would you all do if you was the parent? difficult one to answer i guess! guess the main thing is i am sick of living this lie, and i am sick of playing happy families, i need to think about myself for oncein my life instead of others i suppose.

Thankyou everyone for all your advice, and sharing your experiences with me.

Actually thinking about it , to my brother i guess i was just something to experiment on, with him being the age he was, shame he never saw me crying in my room afterwards with no one to talk to, trying to hide my bloodstained knickers.

Nameanon

Kerrymum, I feel your pain sweetheart, really & truly.

NAmeanon, counselling will help you greatly.

With a counsellor you can say all those things that you want to say but have never had the opportunity to say. You can spill your guts, most times they won't offer you a solution immediately, but will help you to gain the confidence that you need to face the future.

You are a very strong woman. You have to be to have got this far already. I think you know what you need to do sweetie. I think if your mum & dad know what your brother did to you & did not do anything to make you feel better, then you are better off away from them.

Is your brother married now? Does he have any family? Does he have access on his own to any other children? Neighbours? Sorry for all the questions, but it's just my mind is racing.

Tomorrow morning try & sort out counselling, take the first step to making things better, once you have had your first consultation it will seem so much clearer & you won't feel the hurt & guilt as much as you feel it now.

I don't know wherabouts you are, but if there are any NEXUS associations near you, that is a good starting point.

If you want to chat feel free to contact me xoxo

Nameanon...
Do you remember the Jamie Bulger case? those boys were a lot younger and they still went to Court, I know this was for a different offence but the offence of rape is very serious and the police will not disregard this because of his age at the time. In the eyes of the law he was still old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. Take care and stay strong.

Nameanon, he was old enough to know exactly what he was doing, but his reasons why...i don't know, i don't know what must go through their minds at the time
My brother was younger, he was about 11 at the time and i was 9 - 10, 11 years old and having the emotions and urges to do the things he done, he was just a child himself!
I love him dearly but hate him so much, i can feel the anger building up inside, how can i have such mixed feelings?
Again, like your brother, mine has been on self destruct for years, in trouble with the police since he was 14 for every possible crime, seriously addicted to crack/cocain and dope, abuses and beats his girlfriends, has suffered with depression and paranoia. Is this their way of coping with the guilt? Do they want to hurt themselves as much as they hurt us? I don't know if i ever do want him to admit it and come clean, as this will make it all somehow, so much more real, sometimes it's better to think it was all just a bad dream, maybe it didn't happen the way i remembered?
What "feelings" do you have for him? Do you still love him as a brother even after all that has happened or does that just make me strange?

I totally support the idea of looking into counselling or if not contact Rape and sexual abuse support centre 08451 221 331 or victim support 0845 30 30 900 these are great support lines and they can give advice too. These are on the phone so you can put the phone down if you do not feel comfortable with talking to these, you are in charge. It is worth a go u have nothing to lose...chin up