Sexual abuse by close family member.....

[nameanon]

Have name changed for this, to protect my identity as you never know who could be reading it.

I was sexually abused by my brother from age 8 - 10, this included full rape.

My brother was 13 - 15yo (5 yrs older than me), the problem i have is i still see him regularly and act as though nothing happened and always have, the thing that upsets me the most is that my parents both know about this and have choosen to ignore it and carry on as normal. I grew up thinking it was a kind of normal brother/sister thing, and everytime this happened my mum would be in the next room or downstairs.

Do you think my brother should be excused of this because he was young?

Most of the time i don't even think about it, but sometimes i get so down because my parents have obviously chosen to completely disregard it.

After some opinions really, i told my parents years after it happened.

How do you kno your parents belive you if they didn't react or even talk to him about it?

I would hav nothing more to do wit hem whatsoever ifthey didn't do anything about it.

Hiya,
Sorry but I have not read the whole thread but just to say that I have a friend who has had almost the same situation She was abused by her brother in childhood but it was slightly different because she only started to remember things about it in adulthood - she did decide to tell her parents who refused to believe that it happend and thought of her as the attention seeking child (she had just been dumped by her fiance 2 weeks before the wedding), her brother was always the blue eyed boy .... she has had a big stuggle with this but did actually have it out with her brother who denied everything (so it didn't help much) except for the fact that she had mentioned it to him, so although he didn't admit it openly he knoew that she knew IYSWIM, I think that fact that she confronted him really helped her .... anyway I am going on a bit now but I really do feel for you. Perhaps letting him know that you remember would help you a little bit?

Don't wish to ignore OP - but Mummy2Tand F how is going at home with DH?

Hi Mumto3girls - thanks for thinking of me, things are ok I was just about to post again tonight actually, just about to jump in the bath - I may be back

Sad to see so many horrific stories, my thoughts are with everyone who has experienced such horror at such a young age.

Nameanon you must cut him out of your life, and your parents. You should also seek some professional advice and go to the police. 13 - 15 isn't that young is it so no way should it be excused.

What if he is doing it to someone else?

What if something happened to him as a child?

Why have your parents ignored it? Is there something else there?

I hope you have some good support and loving people around you

Thankyou everybody for posting on this.

As regards my mum, i found out yesterday that she has actually known about this from me being 14/15 yo, yet acted shocked when i told her aged 21. The subject has not been mentioned since really, i think my parents are living in denial, shame i cannot do the same really. I was self harming at 15yo, and took an overdose...i just wanted to die, unfortunately (at the time) my mum found me and took me the hospital to have my stomach pumped...i was called a selfish bitch for doing this...best of all my brother gave me the most grief about it!

I have no feelings towards my brother what so ever, and i have only seen him really to keep the peace for my parents, but know i have children myself i think, why should i torture myself just to keep things sweet for my parents? i have lived with this far too long, keeping my mouth shut and it is about time i thought of myself for once.

Thinking about it my parents must be sick, as a few months ago they said to my dd " do you want to go the shop with uncle **?

ALONE, WTF?!? if they had any regard for me at all why would they think i would find it ok for my brother to off alone with my 3 yo daughter?

Actually i have learned to live with what happened to me now, and yes i suppose i must be a strong person to go through 2 lots of sexual abuse, a termination, abusive relationship and come out the other side without ever even needing antidrepressants.

Nameon - I'm appalled at your mum - however did you find out she knew all that time?

Don't ever be pressured to let your children be alone with him ..(which I'm sure you won't.)

I would write him a letter telling him why he will never be seeing you or them ever again!

I have spoken to my grandmother about it all and told her everything yesterday, when i was about 14 i decided to write it all down and send it in the take a break (i know lol) now the magazine obviously thought that there was something not right, so sent the letter back with a letter from them saying you need to discuss this with your dd type of thing.

When this letter was returned my grandparents were looking after us, my parents had gone on holiday, and when i told my mum everything in 2001 she said i think your grandma must know, as she said a letter had come from take a break and told me i needed to talk to you, but she must have thrown the letter in the bin.

When i told my nan everything ,she said she never even opened the letter that she gave it to my mum sealed, and my mum had said i had wrote something bad, and the letter had been returned and said no more about it.

So she has known for years!! never said a word to me, never said a word to anyone, and certainly never confronted HIM!

The more i find out, the more i hate them all actually, how could a mother not act on this? What kind of mother is that?

And to think, our parents are supposed to always be there for us, and protect us? the only real people we can trust?

What a joke

nameanon - my story is pretty much exactly like yours. I was abused from 6 - 13 and my brother is 6 years older than me.

My sis told our parents when I was 19 - mum asked if it was true, I said "yes but i don't want to talk about it". So thats just what they did. Nothing. For the next 9 years we pretended nothing had happened, had family get togethers etc. I was bulimic from the disclosure until I finally started getting help for myself 9 years later.

Now fab, well and have had about 2 years of counselling all in all. Yes we talked about the abuse but also very importantly about my parents reaction or lack of action after disclosure. Never see brother now, parents see him occasionally but know better than to talk about him.

If you ever want to CAT me, please feel free. You too buttercup!

For your parents living in denial is easier than facing the truth - shit for abuse survivors but we are the stronger for it.

nameanon I think you should distance yourself from them all the way your parents have reacted is really odd is there even more to this awfull story then even you know?

Makemineadouble...How you mean? what are you thinking?

I think you are right, need to get away from the lot of them.

Does your brother now have children of his own?

How old was he when the abuse stopped?

My brother has 1 son.

R.E the abuse...

For a long long time it was just messing around, as in fiddling, full rape only happened the once and after that it completely stopped, he obviously must have frightened himself at that point.

Forgot to add, my brother was about 15/16 when it stopped completely, tbh i cannot really remember actual ages, can only do approx, as for all the years following it all i have tried my best to forget everything.

Nameanon I cant imagine how parents could ignore this even if they didnt want to bring in the authorities surely your dad would have had strong words if not more? what I mean about more going on is maybe they accept the whole family abuse thing ? maybe one of them has been abused or maybe your dad thought it was normal blokish behaviour..Are they at all frightened of your brother perhaps they cant confront him?

The thing is my dad is a retired prison officer, and hates anything to do with sexual abuse etc, as he has worked with convicts who have done things to children.

I think the thing is, i told my mum and dad seperately, so i am unsure as to whether they have discussed it between them, but surely as a happily married couple they would have discussed this?

Tbh i really don't think i could cope with confrontation of any kind now, my biggest of it all is how my mum especially dances around my brother like he is something really special, he has never done any good for anyone, forgets everyone's b'days, got his gf pg the first time they had sex, then cheated on her with a prostitute who he then lived off for years, has screwed his kid up, as he now lives abroad and is just a general selfish nobhead, done every drug under the sun and still smokes weed excessively at age 32.

He is pathetic, and the world would be a better place wihtout him, i hate him, truely, and i just don't get why my mum thinks he is so special.

It is always me who isn't invited to anything, me and my 2 dc are seen as a burden, they have my nephew sleep over every week, yet my dd has only slept at my parents when i was in hospital having my ds. We are hopefully moving house in the next couple of weeks, there is only my parents really who can help, yet they have booked a holiday for the 3rd July despite knowing this.

I am never really welcomed, as maybe i remind them of what a flawed family we are, but surely i shouldn't be the one who is pushed away in all this?

How did your dad react when you told him?

He was shocked, what do you say to something like that?

I told my dad earlier than my mum, and to be fair to him, he asked me what i wanted to do, but i didn't want to upset my mum so said to leave it, my dad an i never discussed it again. My dad is very cut and dried with his attitude to everything, he doesn't hold anything back, and certainly does not go out of his way for my brother, i do think my dad would not be bothered if he never saw my brother again.

My mum never said anything like that whwn i told her, she didn't even get upset really, she just listened.SHE is the one i have the issues with really, when i told her, she told me she was sexually abuse when she was 10 by her grandmothers friend, no one believed her, so why would she do this to me?

I started of really angry with your mum but I sort of feel for her maybe she just cant deal with any of this and its just easier to pretend its not happening

You have done brill to stay sane through this

My mum being unable to deal with this maybe does not help me though does it, and as far as her being abused....

when my daughter is older i would not ignore something like this and use myself being abused as an excuse...i am her mother, there to always look out for her, protect her as much as i possibly can and that is because i love her and i brought her into this world so i need to be there for her until she grows into a responisible mature adult with a family of her own maybe , but even then i will always be there to catch her if she ever falls in life.

I felt sorry for my mum, hence why i decided not to put her through the hurt of knowing about all this, what a responsible decision to make when 14/15yo, for me a child to try and protect my mother from the nastiness in her own son, but as it turns out, which i find out 17 yrs later, she wasn;t hurt infact it doesn't seemed to have altered her perception one bit.

Your mum should have protected you from this in the first case or at least helped you deal with it once she knew the truth. Why she did'nt? you may never know I think you should put space between you and them I know thats a huge thing to do but I cant see how its helping you to see them? I imagine it brings back all sorts of feelings

Like I said you have done an amazing job in coping with this by yourself and it sounds like you have a lovely family of your own enjoy them

hi nameanon, i was the one that started the childhood sexual abuse thread that has been linked earlier on. i dont know if you have read any of that thread, but i reported my mothers husband for sexual abuse and rape, 17 years after it ended. i lived half of my life in a complete state of secrecy, pretending everything was ok because i didnt want to rock the boat. but what triggered my disclosure was my niece reaching the same age i was when abuse started (11) and also having a daughter myself. i wont pretend it has been hard because it has been downright devastating at times but the relief i felt after i spoke to the police for the first time was amazing. unfortunately my mum stuck by him, as did my half sister which has been the hardest thing to accept but they made their choice and they will have to live with it.
you have to ask yourself do you still want to be feeling like you do now in 5 yrs and i guess the answer would be NO, you can never guarntee 100% that your children would never be alone with him, for example if the went to stay with your parents and he happened to be there. if anything happened you would never forgive yourself.
cutting off your family is hard and for me it has felt like a bereavement but i have done it for the greater good. my case wont be going to court due to lack of evidence but i never regret for a second that i reported him and let the smug bastard know that i have never forgotten. i have to believe that even though he wont be charged some people will doubt his innocence, and i firmly believe that what goes around comes around.....
keep in touch honey and take care of yourself xxxx