And so we're back again

[Lunacity]

4 years I have lasted this time. 4 years believing and hoping that I would never feel like this again. 4 years of delusion.

I'm trapped in a marriage I don't want, in love with someone I can't have, friendless, fat, and in a job I fear rather than enjoy. Every day is a struggle to even get up and yet I do, because I've always been a good girl. My head is so messed up and I have lost the one person I care about over it all. And now I am back with my head over the toilet, hoping for the temporary relief physical sickness brings over the pain I feel.

I used to be so good at everything and now I am a complete failure at life again. Every day I wish it was finally over and yet I know, once again, I will be disappointed. Even death does not want me and has rejected me so many times.

No one?

:( You're suffering badly, I can feel the despair in your post. You mention 4 years ago, what were things like then?

Your self-esteem and self-worth are in the gutter. You are NOT a failure, this is what the mind does. Plays games and piles shit on top of shit and things escalate. Is there someone you can talk to (I know you said friendless, so am I), ideally a professional. Why can't you exit your marriage?

And you are NOT NOT NOT a failure.

Thank you. I can't talk to anyone, that's why I write here.

I'm bound to my partner through children and finances. I earn my way but there is so much debt.

The person I am in love with doesn't even talk to me anymore.
4 years ago I tried to end it. Failed to set off a heart attack, but I know what I did wrong then. My ED was worse then, but it is coming back.

Part of me hopes that when I am thinner he will like me better. Or anyone, really. But my mind is such a mess no one ever will, once they see just how broken I am.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Sod anyone else, you need to like yourself more. If this person won't talk to you and knows your problems then he's not much of a catch is he? You're not bound by kids, staying in an unhappy relationship because of them is the worst thing to do. Can you contact Women's Aid? Is your marriage bad, or are you perceiving things because you're in love with someone else?

Look, I'm not gonna lie, I'm worried about you. Ending it all might ease your pain but would destroy the children. Trust me, I've had my mother attempt suicide more than once. Can you contact the Samaritans?

No, I rarely have a minute to myself in the day, so I cannot privately talk to anyone. He is not a bad person, but a lot has happened.

The few minutes I have to purge are the only time I feel in control. I don't eat during the day anyway; it's only the evenings I have something.

This person was important to me and I have destroyed it all by being me. It's the worst kind of rejection. I don't normally let people in, but I felt safe around him. I asked him to tell me to back off if it got too much and he never did. That's what hurts the most.

Wrong. You put a boundary in place, which he ignored. That was not you. You destroyed nothing. He did by refusing to acknowledge your request.

Can you email them? School run?

I am never really alone. Even when cooking or in the bathroom, someone will always barge in. I leave for work well before any school run and come back well after it has finished.

I don't even know why this rejection is so hard to take; by god I had a few over the years. But this one is harder - maybe because I also value the friendship that went with it, even if just in my head?

I just cannot do this all again. Human interactions have always puzzled me, but this is so much worse for so many reasons. I feel trapped and utterly unloved.