How am i still depressed?

[Electroma]

My son is now 2 and a half and I am still depressed.

I cry so easily. I get to the point of no return when i think about how the hell i am going to manage my life. I get so angry and frustrated when i cent do things because of him that i want to hurt him. (i wont dont worry)

I dont want him. I wish i had never had him. And that feeling will not go away.

I want to leave him, and if it werent for 'what people would think', i would leave him with his dad and move country.

he doesnt interest me. i dont care about anything to do with him. my parents do everything. he is potty training. i dont care.
I just want to go out with my friends all the time and forget him. Sometimes i go out and dont come back for days. I dont miss him.

Will this end? how will this get better?

Please dont tell me to get help as i have tried and tried and nothing has worked.

I have a FT job as well, so i am not in much anyway. I really only see him a few hours a day, if that. He is more being brought up by my parents.

You are depressed. It is not your fault, and not your sons fault. What meds are you taking? Have you explained to your GP that they are not working?

It is very good that your family are rallying round and taking care of your ds, you will thank them one day when you are out of the other side of this.

Running away may seem like a good idea but you will be taking your depression with you. What a terrible situation.

Im not on any medication.

I do appreciate that my parents are looking after my son. They give me a hard time but i can ignore it just as easily.

I just dont care. Sometimes i love him, but mostly i feel nothing really.

I ignore him, and leave him to play alone while i sleep or watch telly. he goes upstairs or outside or into the bathroom or kitchen. I know the dangers. I dont care.
(for the record he has never some to any harm)

i dont want to be like that?

why don't you try doing stuff with him?

and why aren't you on meds?

depression doesn't just 'go away' you have to work at it or/and take meds. have you tried counselling? It might help - try your gp perhaps? And as for not wnating your child - some people seem not to be maternal but until you know what is wrong with you you can't make a decision, can you? Do try the Gp and try to do something fun this weekend with your child

you really should try the meds, they do work. Ask your parents to help you go to the GP. I know it is hard to do these things when you are low.

doing stuff like what? i just get bored. i cant drive and it seems such an effort to go places.

i feel like i am only really dragging him round with me, to the shops and things. i wish he wasnt there. every day i am desperate for someone to take him (i mean my parents or his dad)

i have never been offered medication from the doctor

they wont give me medication. i have asked numerous times at the doctors.

i have tried counselling etc but i cant speak when i go. I dont know how to explain, but i end up saying i am actually fine and i dont know why.

I cant open up. I tried to tell my mum and she doenst believe i am depressed she thinks i am just saying it as an excuse to not look after ds.

she got the HV round once when ds was about 1, and i did the depression test thing, but i lied on the answers as i didnt want to tell the truth, i was emabrrassed. it was pretty obvious what answers to give for which outcome.

cant do things with ds at weekend as i work weekends

Does this sound familiar to you?

Signs of depression

you might recognise some (but not necessarily all) of the following:

• You find you need to put on a front to the world
• You're tearful for no obvious reason, very frequently
• You long for sleep, yet wake unrefreshed each morning
• You find it hard to get to sleep
• You sometimes lose your sense of time - you can't tell the difference between ten minutes and two hours
• It's hard for you to see the funny side of life

don't give up on yourself, please print out this thread and give it to your mum, you have expressed yourself well here.

It is not lazyness or bad mothering you are describing here it is mental illness. Please get help before you do something you will later regret.

that just made me cry. it is spot on.

i also have frequent panic attacks as i dont know how i will ever get better.

i cant. i cant tell my mum. she wont understand. i dont want anyone to know

everyone thinks i am happy and cheery all the time. i cant let them know i am weak

Electroma, you need to tell the doctor/HV you are depressed and ask for help. In my opinion, you need some counselling and probably some anti depressants.

Parenthood does not coming easily to everyone, it's a myth that is does. I think you do love your son (well probably, I can't say for sure) but you are bogged down by depression and the mindset that you should never have had him. But he is here and you have to deal with that.

How old are you?

I was 20 when I had my first child. After I'd had him I was bowled over by feelings of how my life had irrevocably changed and how nothing would ever be the same again and how I was totally and utterly responsible (ultimately, even though I, like you, had help) for another human being. it was a scary and all consuming feeling. Only my baby being diagnosed with a life threatening disorder shocked me into thinking about him rather than myself.

Are you with your son's father? Do you live with your parents or with him, or alone?

I know you know (because you have said so and because you have started this thread) that things need to change. DS could hurt himself and also you owe it to yourself and to him to try and build a better relationship with him.

Ask your HV to visit and discuss how depressed you are feeling and ask for her thoughts and how you can create a better bond with him.

It CAN and WILL get better if you take steps to make it.

Good luck.

i cant even cry in front of people. never ever. not even at funerals

if you want to get better, and it sounds like you do, you will need to go back to the GP and tell them what's going on. Perhaps you could type out a letter and give it to the GP if you feel you are unable to speak out your thoughts. Write down what you've written here - it's very eloquent.

i am 26. i live with my parents. i am no longer with ds father, we split up a year ago and he sees him very frequently (4 times a week or so, 2 overnight stays)

i dont have a hv anymore and i didnt like her anyway.

its just too much for me to handle, having a child. i am not strong enough or good enought to do it. i am selfish and care only about me.

Electroma, I really do feel for you.

Do you know if there is a gp at your surgery who deals with women in particular?
Sometimes there are female gps who usually do the post natal checks and other female issues.

If so, I think it would be well worth making an appt. Or with a gp you know is nice.
Maybe contact your HV again and explain whats going on. Be honest and do the edin test again.

There are people to help.
Depression is an awful awful illness that needs treating properly.

thank you foxinsocks

what will they do though? will they make me talk to someone? because i cant. i really, really cant do it. i have tried. i cant.

That's not true Elec. You DO care about DS and changing the situation or you wouldn't have posted. You would be blythely continuing to do your own thing and letting your parents do the parenting of DS.

Not all HVs are great it's true. Do go to the doctors though. He/she should be able to refer you for counselling (where you CAN say all this!) and help with with getting you some support regarding parenting.

You need to tell the doctor the truth. It's no good lying to them and then wondering why they won't give you medication.

If you tell them the truth they can help you.

Not wanting to be around your son, not caring about the things he's doing, everything seeming too much effort - the medication will help this. And it doesn't mean you're weak; depression is an illness, just like any other.

If you had a headache, you'd take a tablet for it. If you broke your leg you'd let the doctors take care of it. You wouldn't think you were weak, you wouldn't think you needed to hide behind a cheery face. So why not let them treat your depression?

its why i come on here. i cant talk about it in real life. i cant do it. i am so happy and chatty all the time but when it comes to this i block it out, it leaves my mind. i cant think it, i cant do it, i cant talk about it at all.

I have been crying since i posted the first message. (can hardly see the keys!) i find it so so so hard. I cant talk in real life about this.

Sorry,I meant you CAN as in you needn't be ashamed. I wasn't meaning that you won't find it hard. The first step I think is to get the depression treated, then everything will seem more "do-able".

If you can't talk to the GP, write it all down and give him the note to read.

But do go and see him. You don't have to keep living like this.

its been 2 1/2 years and i havent been able to talk about it.

I dont think i can change. I have never been able to talk about 'difficult' things, with anyone.

Nobody will make you talk. Perhaps you could try the medication for a bit and see how it makes you feel? It might give you enough strength to be able to go the next step and have a chat with someone. FWIW, I can relate to the not talking to people - I'm not a talker and can see why it some people find it so hard to open up.

Take your time - you don't need to rush things, one step at a time.

And you know what, you just think you aren't strong enough/good enough. Having children can be a very humbling experience - you've only looked out for yourself and suddenly you've got this little person and you feel that overwhelming responsibility and for LOTS of people, that is absolutely terrifying. It really isn't just you.

Take the first step and go to the GP. In the meantime, perhaps take ds to the swings during the week or read him a story. Even if you don't want to. They are such small things, will only take 5 minutes and you may find, doing little things bit by bit will start to make you feel more confident with him.

writing it down is good, but i would be so embarrased when the gp was reading, then they'd ask me questions and i'd contradict myself.

i feel like i am lying. it doesnt seem like it can be that serious when i have got by for the last 2 1/2 years.