How am i still depressed?

[Electroma]

My son is now 2 and a half and I am still depressed.

I cry so easily. I get to the point of no return when i think about how the hell i am going to manage my life. I get so angry and frustrated when i cent do things because of him that i want to hurt him. (i wont dont worry)

I dont want him. I wish i had never had him. And that feeling will not go away.

I want to leave him, and if it werent for 'what people would think', i would leave him with his dad and move country.

he doesnt interest me. i dont care about anything to do with him. my parents do everything. he is potty training. i dont care.
I just want to go out with my friends all the time and forget him. Sometimes i go out and dont come back for days. I dont miss him.

Will this end? how will this get better?

Please dont tell me to get help as i have tried and tried and nothing has worked.

I have a FT job as well, so i am not in much anyway. I really only see him a few hours a day, if that. He is more being brought up by my parents.

Well you have talked to us. The next step is to talk to a real person. Do you have a good friend who would be sympathetic? You really need someone who is on your side.

"i am not strong enough or good enought to do it. i am selfish and care only about me."

Not true, not true, not true. The fact that you have posted on here shows a) you are strong enough to tell a bunch of mouthy strangers what is in your heart; b)you are not selfish because you know this is not the right situation and you want it to change for the sake of your ds; c) you are a good person for the same reasons.

Most mothers who aren't depressed are well aware of their shortcomings as parents. It sounds to me like you have underlying issues that are affecting your self esteem. Depression isn't a sign of weakness, it is an illness as real as pneumonia or asthma and can happen to anyone. For that reason, it is also manageable and survivable. You will get through this. I really feel for you but am sure that you will find a solution, with help from the right doctor.

You are making such negative comments about yourself, as if you don't deserve to feel well, don't deserve for things to get better. That's all part of the depression, too - those feelings of low self-worth.

Do you want to get better? Do you want to feel again, to get rid of those feelings of wanting to hurt your son? Do you want this all to end?

Then you have to get help. We can't do it for you, much as we would like to. You have to stop saying "I can't", and you have to try. You don't know what you can do until you give it a go, and both you and your son deserve better.

You've "got by" for the last couple of years, but it's hardly been wonderful for you. Don't you think you deserve to do more than just "get by"?

Writing it down would at least allow you to let the GP see how bad you feel. And so what if you're embarrassed for a short while? That embarrassment will be all over within a few minutes, and I can tell you from experience that a weight will lift from your shoulders once you've told someone and started to take control of your depression.

can I be honest with you (even though you are feeling awful!) and say that you haven't really got by have you. The only reason you've managed is because your family has stepped in.

It's terribly frightening admitting you have a problem but remember to mention in your letter that you are a coper and likely to paint a different picture when asked how things are going. I'm sure the doctor will understand.