Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Still feel bitter and unsettled about the birth. How can I get over it?

35 replies

ChristmasPud · 19/06/2007 11:22

Don't know if anyone else has this. But when ever I think about the birth of my DS or even birth generally is mentioned I get a horrible mix of sadness, failure, anger and bitterness. It's been over 5 months now and I'm really trying to get over it. It wasn't a great birth, but not as bad as it could have been by any means. Other people have had a lot worse and don't mope about it like I do.

Trouble is it affects my feelings about my DH and friends who had better birth experiences. Makes me feel angry towards anyone who had a quick labour, or homebirth etc etc. I know that my baby was delivered safe and well and that I am safe and well. But I still can't move on.

OP posts:

pigleto · 19/06/2007 11:30

It sounds as though you need someone to talk through it with. You are entitled to shell shock after a birth, having a baby is incredibly frightening. I think that you recognise that this needs dealing with now for your own peace of mind. Have you been to see your GP?

Slim · 19/06/2007 11:33

I think this is common. Have a look here:

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

Not an expert but there is someone on MN who is - hang on...

cheechymunchy · 19/06/2007 11:33

I remember feelign just like that for quite some time after DS was born. That megical "connection" wasn't there for a while. I just felt like a milking machine, just keeping him alive until he could fend for himself. His birth didn't go according to plan. Wasn't horrendous but left me with permanent pain and problems going to the loo.
I too become to loathe people's wonderufl experiences - SIL using so gas and air, didn't need it. Baby popped out fine and everything smelt of roses.
I know it seems that 5 months is a long time but I promise it gets better. As the baby becomes more lively, you are free to let go slightly and enjoy them.
I know exactly how you feel
xxx

Original poster

ChristmasPud · 19/06/2007 11:34

Well after the birth I think I did have a bit of PND and found it difficult to bond with my little one. My HV was very good and did extra visits to talk things through. My DS was quite difficult to start with so that didn't help. I mentioned it to my GP at 6 week check and she said to come and get anti-depressants if it continued/got worse.

Thing is I've had depression before and after the birth I was depressed. This is different. This is feelings of anger and disappointment and failure and unfairness. Which could turn into depression if it festers I think. I don't medication is the answer because I'm otherwise quite happy.

OP posts:

Slim · 19/06/2007 11:37

Could you get your notes from the hospital and talk about them with your mw or hv?

Giving birth is a v stressful experience and even more so if things don't go to plan (which they rarely do)

Plus you have a young baby to look after and still have pg hormones to contend with.

nuttygirl · 19/06/2007 11:41

CP - I found my birth experience quite traumatic (it was v quick for a first labour and my mw didn't believe I was in labour & it took her ages to agree to give me pain relief, I refused stitching afterwards because I had no confidence inher). Like you I felt like I shouldn't feel this way because other people had had much worse experinces. I found writing a complaint letter to the hospital helped me. I know you maybe don't feel up to it at the moment but I found it was the only way to feel I was doing something about it. When I got my response it did help me to start moving on. I'm going to see my notes today so hopefully that will help me even more. Then hopefully a debriefing session.

I think the best thing to do is talk about it to as many people as possible and try to get a debriefing session at the hospital (assuming you gave birth at hospital). I know that getting a better understanding of the situation helped me so much.

HTH

kerala · 19/06/2007 11:41

I found it helpful to write it all down, but have always found doing that helps in times of trouble.

Had to have an emergency c section and other interventions and felt sad about that. Until I heard about my secretary who gave birth to her DD a day later and her baby didnt survive a botched labour. That changed my feelings somewhat about what I'd been through.

Original poster

ChristmasPud · 19/06/2007 11:41

Oooo slim, have just taken a look at that website and it seems to describe a lot of how I feel. Especially things triggering it off. This last bout has happened because tried to watch 'Cock and Bull Story' which just went on and one about the birth of Tristram Shandy. Now I'm just churning over it all again.

OP posts:

clutteredup · 19/06/2007 11:42

Hi, poor you. My DD is 5 mo too and I'm starting to feel a bit down now but i think it's really just to do with sleep exhaustion ( lack of sleep I mean!) Generally though I've been better than I was after DS, I had a miserable time thinking about the first few months with him although I probably couldn't have had a better birth. Are you very tired or do you think you might have PND? PND makes you fell s**t about everything and puts everything out of perspective, so does extreme tiredness, sometimes its hard to tell the difference. Having a bay is traumatic at the best of times, if it was a difficult birth its much worse. Can you talk to your GP, or just get a bit of a break, some time on your own to relax or just get a bit of rest? Don't be too hard on yourself - i resented everyone for everything when I had PND and my poor DH took the brunt of it. Don't suffer in silence, it would help to talk to someone just to be told how you're feeling is normal and it will get better. Good luck.

hertsnessex · 19/06/2007 11:44

def chk out the website slim posted, also give a shout to lulmama who i think helps on the phonelines there.

Original poster

ChristmasPud · 19/06/2007 11:48

I have started to write a letter to my consultant re: the birth to complain about a v. nasty midwife. That helped over the weekend, but being a human I am putting off finishing it. I suppose I feel like I did a crap job and that was emphasised by things that the midwives said. In the end had epidural and ventouse. Feel like the whole birth was taken away from me while I lay there like a fat, useless lump. Love my baby so much but wasn't allowed to give birth to him. I was just an obstacle in the way. Feel so angry nobody would help me when I was trying to do it naturally. They were only interested when they could stick needles in me and tie me to a bed.

Oh here I go again...

OP posts:

rebelmum1 · 19/06/2007 11:49

Where did your trauma stem from, did you feel staff weren't supportive, there may actually be justification for your feelings. I still feel hatred and loathing towards my midwife and anger at being mutilated. which is perfectly justified.

rebelmum1 · 19/06/2007 11:52

do it! do it! I didn't and regret it.

aquababe · 19/06/2007 11:54

I had a bad birth experience(emergcsect, etc) not so much life threatening just the total opposite of the water birth I'd wanted. I unserstand what you mean about how you feel yours could have been worse.

I had a friend who was due the exact day a year later and had perfect birth not probs bfing and felt slightly resentful of her.

I found going through my birth notes with the hospital very helpful, though it wasn't a magic wand, it did make me feel better about wat happened and whether or not parts were my fault or just life.
Though I'm still 'getting over it' The loss of a friend's baby recently has made me feel just how lucky I am to have something so precious at the end.
I've tried to take the 'It won't happen to me again' approach and next time I'll know more about my options. thanks to mn god help the MW at any future births.

rebelmum1 · 19/06/2007 11:54

You sound normal to me.

rebelmum1 · 19/06/2007 11:55

I'm definitely having a home birth next time.

AlistairSim · 19/06/2007 11:55

Would it help to write your birth story here, where you know you will be understood?

aquababe · 19/06/2007 11:56

I should add writing it all down and mumsnet & getting it all down really helped as well.

Original poster

ChristmasPud · 19/06/2007 11:57

It started with the first 2 midwives I had. After that the care was good but I was already on a drip. The room was very cold and uncomfortable. She wouldn't let me be in the position I wanted to be in. Did nothing to help my breathing ect. Just kept saying she was going to put me on drip and give me pethidine because my contractions were not doing anything. Then she'd bugger off for ages leaving me in a freezing cold room. It was clear from her manner that she considered me to be a worhtless waste of her time.

Then my contractions dried up again so it seemed like there was no choice but to have the drip which was I was really scared of.

OP posts:

rebelmum1 · 19/06/2007 11:58

Then we can compile experiences and send to maternity units accross the country. So they are aware of how deeply they can affect people with poor care.

Slim · 19/06/2007 11:59

Can identify with the feeling useless - I wasn't pushing properly (apparently) so had to have an episiotomy, though luckily no other intervention. Felt powerless and completely clueless. Cord was around DS's neck so also felt I'd out him at risk IYSWIM. I was lucky in having a) a very quick labour and b) fab and supportive mws.

One thing that helped me was thinking that if I did it again I would have a doula. I needed someone there who knew what was happening and who was on my side.

Slim · 19/06/2007 12:02

ah think Lulumama being doula atm so not around (she knows her stuff). Will bump it for her later on

aquababe · 19/06/2007 12:03

I also had a lot of 'issues' with my dh as well as mws
sooo having a doula next time.
I hate the way One of my MWs made me feel like my pain wasn't bad enough.
It does seem to be a bit of a russian roulette with good n bad mws

Theres no excuse for a cold room

Original poster

ChristmasPud · 19/06/2007 12:04

Was supposed to have homebirth. Contractions were every 5 mins. Community midwife said fill up the pool. The at 12:30am it fizzled out. Came downstairs in the morning having had weak contractions all night to look at this worthless bloody paddling pool in the living room making everything smell of damp plastic. Almost attacked it with the breadknife to be honest (except we rent and I didn't fancy having to pay for a new carpet.)

At every stage things started off really well - good contractions, good pushing etc etc and then just didn't work.

I suppose what I really want it for some one to tell me that I did a good job, that I tried really hard and that I did the best that I could do. My Dh didn't help by saying it was probably partly to do with the fact I'm over 30.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChristmasPud · 19/06/2007 12:09

Oh yes if I ever did do it again I would have a doula. The Dh did his best but did not stick up for me as much as I needed as I think he was stunned too. Especially towards the end. I know he was quite relieved when I had the epidural becasue he felt that everything relaxed then.

Right, plan of action:
a) write birth story
b) finish letter

Thank you for the motivation. I do need to deal with this because it feels like poison inside sometimes.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2