Still feel bitter and unsettled about the birth. How can I get over it?

[ChristmasPud]

Don't know if anyone else has this. But when ever I think about the birth of my DS or even birth generally is mentioned I get a horrible mix of sadness, failure, anger and bitterness. It's been over 5 months now and I'm really trying to get over it. It wasn't a great birth, but not as bad as it could have been by any means. Other people have had a lot worse and don't mope about it like I do.

Trouble is it affects my feelings about my DH and friends who had better birth experiences. Makes me feel angry towards anyone who had a quick labour, or homebirth etc etc. I know that my baby was delivered safe and well and that I am safe and well. But I still can't move on.

at your DH. It is NOT your fault.

Maybe its time to speak to a proffesional

My DH was supportive too, but we really didn;t have a clue. And there was me thinking that my body would naturally take over - ha!

Ah the little ones just spluttering that he's woken up. Thank you for listening. I feel better for letting off steam a bit. The fact that so many of us have similar feelings shows there must be something very wrong with the system. When will they try and make it better? It's all very well for Patricia Hewlitt to harp on about continuity of care and choice etc etc but it's only very basics things that I wanted - the be comfortable warm and looked after. Pain and hard work I expected.

Rant, rant - but must go and be calm happy mum now for a bit.

FWIW my mw made a few nasty remarks during my labour. In the response to my complaint letter it was made clear they'd had words with her about her attitude and apologised to me. That was a major step in being able to put it behind me.

That would help I think. It would be good not to feel that they are allowed to do/say what they like. I wouldn't get away with it in my job. I suppose also if consultants get enough letters about this sort of thing then something will happen because it'll take up a lot of their time. The Drs were very good. Surprising that it's generally a midwife that is unpleasant. Thourgh I add that all other midwives I have met have been good.

Your labour and giving birth is supposed to be a very special and intimate time to look back on whether your birth went to plan or not. I am a trainee doula and I recently went to a vbac homebirth and the midwife was very supportive and the lady had a beautiful water birth, last week I went to another home water birth and unfortunately the lady had to have a csection in the end BUT she took control of the decision to go to hospital and she felt positive throughout the experince. Too many people [ including mws] don't properly listen to what the women are telling them, my Mum had this happen to her 42 years ago when I was born and it's still happening now. To move on I think you should get your notes and write to the hospital. A friend of mine did after her last birth and the hospital is holding an enquiry into what happened to her. If more women tell the hospitals that they are not happy with their treatment or the comments that have been made to them then hopefully things will improve.

I felt that my mw was just fed up of her job. I got the impression she was overworked and underpaid, which I guess IS the case for many midwives. I felt she couldn't really be bothered with me. BUT I also felt that it didn't excuse her behaviour. Writing at least gave me hope that she would think twice next time.

haven't got much time but i felt much the same way as you and mn saved me on this thread
hth i got some great advice

Gosh, I can so understand your feelings christmaspud. I STILL struggle with the neg thoughts about my labour 2 yrs on, it was so traumatic I cannot bring myself to contemplate another baby, even though I love dd to pieces. It's so helpful to see other people have gone through it too- like you, I felt it had all been taken out of my hands, from wanting a natural birth, I was forced to be tied down to bed on back through excruciating 48 hour labour- lots of intervention, and endured horrible comments from vile mw after the birth, followed by baby being in special care for a week with no proper explanation about what was wrong with her. (She was fine in the end). I am still deeply angry about it all...and it's so great to see all of you talking about it like this. Hope you can get some closure by writing your letter ... lots of sympathies ...